SIL and BILs parenting style - is this okay or AIBU?

[shootingstar001]

Me and DH recently went on a short break with his sister and her husband.They have 2 children 2 and 5.

we live really far away so obviously we don’t see them super regularly but when we are all together we’ll do something with them for longer stretch of quality time like a trip or mini break.

we’ve both noticed before that they don’t seem to ever discipline their kids or say no - this is obviously a conscious choice they’ve made together. I’m aware that a ‘gentle parenting’ style is a bit more of modern choice but to me the complete lack of boundaries was really visible and really affected us and everyone around us. We both found it quite shocking especially in public settings like going for dinner etc. They seemed a bit oblivious but me and DH felt really tense by the end as there was always an ‘incident’ or two everyday. It did sort of ruin the end of the holiday.

Few of things that happened (sorry some of these are bit gross)

• Allowed their 2 yr old DS to wee in the shared villa pool
• Allowed 2 year old to poo in a public spaces (not in toilet)- pub garden/public park etc
• Allowed both kids to play a game throwing large rocks and pebbles at people walking by
• Their 2 year old is also going through a phase of punching - at one point wandering down some narrow packed touristy streets just windmilling around punching people walking by. BIL just stood passively and watched. The boy then had a massive crying tantrum when another tourist told him to stop. BIL comforted him about the ‘nasty man’
• Allowing 5 year DD to scream continuously in high pitched tone in restaurants (happened several times) - going through a phase of thinking it’s funny - both didn’t tell her to stop. DH did gently tell her a few times that we weren’t enjoying in perhaps other eating dinner might not like it either. Both parents said nothing.
• A lot of tantrums/fake crying - no intervention/words.

We never had kids so I’m really aware that I might not ‘get it’ - because of this we both feel that questioning someone parenting style might be a bit of a d**k move but it does really marr the time we spend with them.

Do we say something or just ride it out until the kids are a bit older and it’s everything is just a bit easier?

Really don’t want to damage my relationship with my SIL and BIL but also starting to dread family time with them. Advice please!

I also think they are being neglectful. Letting them throw stones is maybe funny when they're 2, annoying when they are 5, but will end up with someone (possibly them, when someone retaliates) getting very hurt at some point if it continues. Not teaching your kids basic societal norms and basic wrong/ rights will seriously fuck them up

I'm guessing you were 'gentle parented'. By the way the kids are 5&2, it's in the OP so you can stop scweaming that the OP didn't give you that information. You're making a holy show of yourself on this thread. Go and lie down.

Sorry, they are lazy at best, neglectful at worst

They'll have a heck of a shock when they start school as that behaviour won't be tolerated and the children won't be popular (I've come across a few like this in my time)

Absolutely horrendous. I’m a reception teacher and children with start are HORRENDOUS when they start school. Were the first person to ever say no to them and they do not like it. It makes our job so much harder!

They sound like they are pretty antisocial parents. They let their children behave worse than some people’s pets.

that said, there’s nothing you can say/do. Parenting is very difficult and you do end up in shitty (literally sometimes) situations.

and the kids will probably improve with age.

until then, grit your teeth and watch where you go with them.

I have children, I have grandchildren. I taught children.

Those children have been allowed to be feral

No way would I go out with those people again, let alone on holiday. That's ridiculous what they were letting them do.

@shootingstar001

As we live far away it's hard to limit contact

It's really not. It's a matter of being up front with your sibling (not the iL)and saying that whilst you respect their right to parent as they choose, little Johnny's/Missy's behaviour is uncomfortable/unpleasant/off the charts & cite examples so you will only be seeing them in their home. No holiday, no outings, not out in public. You (rightly) can't give consequences to the child, but you can to the parent. Maybe if the parents were to understand that you want to limit your contact because of their 'permissive parenting' they may rethink it, or limit it to their own home or when others are not around to witness it.

And re a PP who said "What did YOU do about the situation, did you offer to help?". Why should you? They aren't your children to correct nor clean up after. Were you supposed to run over and grab the child from poolside or clean up their poo saying "We don't do that"? I'm sure that would have been greatly appreciated by the parent. NOT.

We had friends (ages ago) that were this way, but back in the 80s there really wasn't a name for it other than 'spoiling', I guess. It included hitting and shoving other children, snatching things from children and adults, going into purses, getting into drawers & cupboards in other people's homes, and interrupting adult conversations by telling the speaker to 'shut up' because they wanted to speak to their parent. As it transpired more and more of our social group began excluding this family because of their children's behaviour. Eventually, they were dropped entirely. Actions have consequences.

you see you have drip fed information.... what was mum supposed to do about little jimmy taking a riddle i the pool under those circumstances with judgy aunty scowling..

you grab the toddler swivel him away to a flower bed or similar and say "NO, we do not pee in the pool. Don't do that again."

You don't laugh.

And I see your own poetic license is alive and well with the image of the judgy aunt scowling.

Mind you I suspect there were many "judgy" people scowling at that scene.

I feel sorry for these kids. They are in for a very hard time.

Ages were mentioned throughout the post!

I would ignore adviceaunt. They are just trying to get attention.

Fuck that OP.

I wouldn't be going away with them again for at least 8-10 years.

Alternatively, I'd happily do the parenting for them!
"No! You don't throw stones at people!"
"No! You don't hit people in the street! Because on of them might punch you back, and you'd deserve it!"

But then again, I'm a lower-primary school teacher, and have no qualms about telling off random kids in the street!

This, God. I hate the attitude that it’s just a kid’s wee so adults shouldn’t mind swimming through it.

But the issue isn’t that the kids screamed or hit people or fake cried. The OP doesn’t need a lecture on why kids do what they do. It’s the SIL and BIL’s reaction which is the problem. They didn’t react! They laughed, they didn’t tell the kids off or try to stop them. Yes kids can scream and act up if they’re bored. But it’s the parents job to teach them alternative methods of communication or remove them from the restaurant or whatever. Not ignore it and have everyone’s dinner experience ruined. She didn’t ask if this behaviour in kids was normal, she asked if the parents’ reactions were normal. The resounding opinion is that no, this isn’t normal. The kids’ behaviour isn’t acceptable and yes, the parents ought to have dealt with it! Trying to explain away the kids’ behaviour is pointless. It isn’t what she asked.

That’s probably what I should have done! Lol!!

what you said is totally reasonable. That is lazy parenting and there damaginf their kids.

I have 3 little kids including one with special needs. I expect good behvaiour from all three. Often my special needs sons behaves way better than ones i see in public and i tell him that. He has a tendency to hit /shout (its how he is wired) but i dont let him do this - i watch him Like a hawk and have boundary’s for him. It can be done. So i get sick when other parents dont make an efforts to parent there kids.

If I was you I’d call your family out on there kids behaviour or simply not go. You dont have to do meet ups with there kids in tow.

Totally not that I like the gentle parenting thing.. .its basically two fingers to everyone else and gives all mums a bad name.

What the OP describes is not gentle parenting and she has acknowledged that she was wrong to describe as such.

That's not gentle parenting, it's permissive at best and downright neglectful at worst. And it's about to get worse as they get bigger and more demanding. They live far away, so it's very easy to just be too busy to see them.

Nonsense. Anyone who remotely defends this is of the same ilk as the neglectful parents.

Totally, I'm actually a much "stricter" parent than many of my kids friends parents, i just explain what's happening and don't (or try not to) shout at her.

My children were born at the start of the 2000s and i raised them as if they were the 80s & 90s.
Gentle parenting is not parenting kids they will grow up to become entitled adults that think acting out will get them what they want.
Raise your kids spoil your GC spoil your kids you're gonna be raising your GC.

This!

THIS IS NOT
WHAT GENTLE PARENTING
IS.

🤔 really?!!