Toys in school

[Strawberrycherrypie]

My DD is in reception and often wants to take a toy in but they don’t. Allow it. However she keeps saying why is her friend is allowed. Her friend is Autistic and is allowed to take in toys for the day. Aibu to think it shouldn’t be one rule for one, one for everyone else

DS is on waiting list for ASD and takes a comfort toy. It's his and only his and helps him regulate. He carries it in to settle him, and if he's having a good day it's put away, and brought out if he has a wobble and needs to regulate. He is allowed this because it means he's more likely to be able to stay the whole day as he can use it to calm himself. If he didnt have it and couldnt calm himself then I'd have to pick him up and bring him home constantly. If every child brought a toy they want because of one or two taking one out of need, teachers would have a horrible time with a lot of upset kids over lost or broken toys.

This is a great time for you to teach your child that not everybody is the same and we need to be accepting of that. You could maybe learn that too?

It's what's called a reasonable adjustment. The Sen child is allowed to bring toys in to help them cope with what is likely to be a very stressful environment for them . The reasonable adjustment means the setting is more accessible. It's also likely the child will have sensory breaks throughout the day giving them opportunities to use these toys and self regulate.

Your child does not have these adjustments because your child doesn't need them.

It's not a treat or a bonus it's an attempt to make school a more manageable experience for a child who can't cope.

This is a fine age to have conversations about the importance of equality and how fairness doesn't mean everyone gets the same things or treatment.

@Coldfeetandnocleansocks thanks for posting that picture, I was looking to do the same thing. It's a very good illustration of what fair can mean.

I wondered if OP was being deliberately goady too.

Treating everyone fairly does not neccessarily mean that you treat everyone the same OP.

You need to take more time to explain to your DD, she needs to learn that not all rules apply the same way.

For very obvious reasons.

Teach her some kindness.

The risk if it gets lost is 100% for the parents to take.

You might recognise that,l @HJ40 ,but from bitter experience I can tell you that many parents do not. I know of colleagues who've had parents demand that they pay for a replacement for the expensive toy that their DC brought in and promptly lost/gave to someone but didn't dare tell them/had stolen from their bag.

And don't get me started on the hunting for the missing item, bag checks etc. It's a nightmare. Then you get parent pitted against parent with wild accusations about which child they're accusing of stealing it.

I know it's easy to think that every parent is as reasonable as you, but sadly that's not the case. So only children with a genuine need for a transitional item are going to be able to be catered for.

The risk if it gets lost is 100% for the parents to take.

So, if a child loses their toy at school and is distraught, it's ok for the teacher to do nothing?
If another child takes their toy (or your child gives their toy to someone else and then changes their mind), it's ok for the teacher to do nothing?
If the toy falls in a puddle, it's ok for the teacher to do nothing?

Schools ban toys for children who don't have a particular need for them because they cause no end of problems.

YABU. It's called reasonable accommodation to support the child to attend school. Don't be that ignorant parent.

What an ignorant person you are. That child has a life long disability, your child doesn’t.

I got a child with autism, suspected ADHD & Sensory needs:

he is taunted by children in his school
he has very few friends
gets very few party invites
can’t cope in holiday clubs
cant do after school clubs
doesn’t do dress up days at school
doesnt get involved in nativity plays
has issues with clothing that he can’t help
the neighbours shout and swear at him when he has a meltdown
he doesnt do well in crowded places
he is on a heavily reduced timetable at school.
He needs a lot of one to one adult supervision
has limited interests
he is shouted at by so-called adults (strangers) for behavior he cant help (he is autistic what’s there excuse?
He uses lots of his energy to deal with his disability on top of having to use energy to deal with day to day stuff thats expected of children.

On my part:

Parenting a child with a disability is way harder and time consuming than parenting a child who isn’t disabled.
I have had to give up my job to be his carer (i struggled to get a job to fit around his school timetable)
ive had to put all kinds of life plans on hold
i dont go on day retreats or have hobbies away from my home
i have had to develop a thick skin because of ignorant & unasked for comments from people like you
i have to plan every day otherwise this will affect his moods etc
i can never just have a home day as he needs outings every single day
at the park i cant just sit back and chat with other mums.. i have to follow him around so that he doesn’t hit kids like yours or so that other mums dont rush in and shout and swear at him (yes they have done both)
I have to attend regular meetings with the school
i have to fight to get him what he needs - that involves time, effort, paperwork and waiting lists…
I dont have any family around to help or support me in any way

Does your child fancy swapping lives with my child?

do you fancy swapping lives with me?

would you complain about a child in a wheelchair being allowed to do something your child isnt?

alternatively you could teach your child that there wants dont trump the Needs of a disabled child.

be thankful you get to parent a child without any needs

be thankful your child will never have to go thru what my son does

Have a word with yourself.

Totally. Reasonable accommodations have been made for my autistic son too. But often the mums of other children are the ones who have ‘issues’ about this. 🙄 they dont stop to think about all the hardship, challenges etc that goes with having an autistic child…

I agree. The kids who are not nice to my autistic son or want allowances made for them too are usually the ones who have mums like the OP.

If your DDs friend had to use a wheelchair would you expect her to have one too?

I could have written your post. Sometimes a teacher has to treat kids different to get the same outcome/ result. My son too has reasonable allowances made for him. But apparently some kids in his class don’t like it … there usually the same ones whos mums have a problem with autistic kids too. Funny that ….

Exactly. Sorry to say but it usually autistic kids who are easy targets for people like the OP. No one dreams of criticizing a child in a wheelchair or with Down’s syndrome (not that people should anyway)

not all disability’s are visible i say

Let’s just lose the fence!

It's called reasonable adjustments.

Some children need slight changes to rules in order for them to be able to access school in a meaningful way.

We find children work this out pretty quickly and adapt to some children having slight changes made for them.

Which is why you, and likely other school adults, need explain it to them in age appropriate terms.

Fair and equal aren't the same.

Get a grip. As a parent of a child with some SEN this really pisses me off.

Thoses rule are for neurotypical children though. Reasonable allowances will be made for special needs children.
Count yourself lucky your child doesnt have a disability and that your life a parent is fairly straightforward. It amazes me that you dont stop to think why a disabled child needs allowances made for them. Also you have no idea what such a child and their parents go through. Having a child with a disability affects them, their parens and other siblings. People like you make me sick.

100% agree. It’s like she thinks her neurotypical child’s “want” is the same as a neurodivergent child’s “need”. Ignorant people like her add to the multiple challenges & hardship’s that special needs kids and their parents already face on a daily basis.

also this mum isn’t teaching her child to be tolerant of children with special needs. So shes part of the next generation being raised with this ignorant mindset ….

YABU

Comments definitely passed the vibe check on this one.

Well done Mumsnet!