Toys in school

[Strawberrycherrypie]

My DD is in reception and often wants to take a toy in but they don’t. Allow it. However she keeps saying why is her friend is allowed. Her friend is Autistic and is allowed to take in toys for the day. Aibu to think it shouldn’t be one rule for one, one for everyone else

A lot of kids in my 5 y/o's class take toys in, and I still tell him he's not to take any. He has snuck some in his coat pocket before because I'm not omnipotent, but he knows he's not meant to and I tell him that if he does that and the toy gets lost at school he'll be upset.

A few weeks ago, I opened his bag at pick up time to see if he'd forgotten anything, and found some Hot Wheels cars that weren't ours. I asked him where they'd come from and he said "Max gave them to me to keep".

I handed them to the teacher and told her what my son had said, then explained to my son that sometimes kids will give their toys to other kids to keep because they want their friends to be happy, but then feel sad later that they don't have their toys anymore, and we don't want Max to be sad.

The teacher told me they'd had a lot of upset lately over exactly that sort of thing happening.

Wow. I'm so pleased my son's school has more compassion than most on here.

You don't have to have SEN to suffer from anxiety. We're talking about children, some barely four years old, being thrust into new and alien environments. My son wouldn't have got through without his toy to cling on to.

The risk if it gets lost is 100% for the parents to take.

For probably the first time ever on mn, I'm pretty disappointed on the lack of compassion from some of the SEN parent posters on here. I fully get you can have separate allowances and I don't agree with the OP that there shouldn't be separate rules, but the way some of you are piling on against other kids is not great.

Being charitable, I can understand that it is hard to explain to a 4 year old why they can't have a toy and others can. You don't really want your child repeating that mum explained it is because you are different/autistic etc to them or other children. There are also times when a NT 4 year old might need the comfort of a toy. Problems at home, parents split up, feeling insecure. I don't think it is always so black and white.

This is a great lesson for you and your child that there are always exceptions to the rule and on this occasion, due to not having a recognised additional need, your child is expected to follow the rules.

I'd take the approach of explaining that sometimes some people can't follow the rules for lots of different reasons. Your child is going to experience lots of exceptions in life and yes, it starts this young.

You never know, your child may need the rules applied flexibly one day, thankfully she's in a school that is willing to adapt to varying needs.

It’s a reasonable adjustment that’s been made to help the child with autism to attend school. Try explaining that to your child, as well as the fact that taking toys into school means her toys are at a big risk of getting lost or broken.

We've had parents complain that some children are on a different timetable, and seem to be able to come into school late, when their child would be marked absent. The ignorance and entitlement of some parents astounds me. Most children can accept it when a reasonable explanation is given

Pathetic. The sheer entitlement of people now blows my mind. What about me? What about my poor daughter? What can I get? The other child has autism. It isn’t the same, you would do well to teach your child this valuable life lesson. Also, spare some thought for the poor teacher who would have to navigate 30-32 toys arriving every day.

Don't be ridiculous. Of course the little girl with autism may need some adaptations to the school rules that your dd doesn't need.

At four this is something your dd can understand if you talk about it with her.

Great way for a child that age to understand difference and compassion.

It's called a reasonable adjustment and no it doesn't have to be the same rule for everyone. Surely no one is this ignorant?

A good learning experience for your daughter that sometimes it's not the same rules for everyone and sometimes she doesn't get her own way.
Try not to be put out by this, its a non issue.

DS is in year 2 and when he was in yr 1 there were a few kids who were given theraputty. He came home complaining that he wanted theraputty to play with and why do they get playdoh and he doesn't. I asked the school what was up with the theraputty and they told me that they give it to kids who need help concentrating and/or are being assessed for or are diganosed with ADHD.

Cool. No problem with that.

I went back to DS and I told him that those kids got the theraputty because the school recognised that they needed it to help them in lessons. He asked if he would ever get any and I said that at the moment, the school don't think he needs any (and that they know when kids are faking so not to even think about it). We likened it to swim aids. Some kids need a noodle to swim to the end of the pool and back. DS doesn't need one so it would be a bit daft if he was given one and a kid who did need it couldn't have one.

The teacher also addressed it with the class (again...they had done this at the time when they first gave it out apparently but DS says he never heard).

There is no suggestion in the OP that her DC wants to take in a toy because they feel insecure or anxious. I'd agree that if this is the case, then OP should absolutely go and speak to the teacher/school and ask if DC can also take in a comfort toy.

People have responded to OP's post where she is definitely complaining that SEN children don't have to follow the same rules as everyone else.

To those who hope it's a reverse or that no one can be that self-centred... yeah.

During the post-lockdown school opening period where kids weren't allowed bags in school and all sorts of ridiculous nonsense was in place DD2 had an adjustment arranged between me and the teacher that she was still allowed to take a backpack in - rationale was that we'd spent the last year+ drilling independence into her because of her poor executive function and that she returned anything to go home into her bag at the point it was given to her, and we didn't want all that to go to pot. Also her incredibly low sub first percentile motor coordination... and the fact she had a broken arm.

Yet still there was some arse gobbing off about it. Sure have a bag - along with her ASD, dyspraxia and broken bloody arm too you knob.

@HJ40 the OP is complaining that there seem to be different rules for some children, and that's not fair!!!! She sounds like the 4yo. If her child was particularly anxious then a discussion would be had with the class teacher to find a reasonable adjustment for her. Bringing a special toy in, might not always be the best solution, as would cause more anxiety if it gets damaged or lost.

Where does OP state her child has anxiety? All she’s said is her kid wants to take toys into school - my children have both wanted to do this so they could show off something to their friends, play with it at playtime, swap Pokemon cards etc. It was just a “want”. No harm was done in saying no.

Had the original post been “My child is really distressed going into school and displaying lots of signs of anxiety. She has no diagnosed SEN but would it be reasonable to ask school if she could bring a cuddly toy in for a little while, even though the rules say no toys - I think it would really help her go into school without crying?” my answer would have been completely different. OP didn’t even need to bring the autistic classmates and their adaptations into the conversation.

And at no point have I, or so far as I can see anyone else, said anything negative about OP’s child. It’s OP’s stance of “same exact rules for everyone” I take issue with.

YABU.
This could be a good opportunity to find an age appropriate social story to teach your DD about equality vs equity.

Right, well you’ve spoken to her about it - so it’s sorted. What’s your issue?

Oh wait - you want her to have the toy and all of the rest of “being autistic”? Fair enough. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Exactly @Pogointospring if the OP had asked whether a reasonable adjustment could be put in place for her child without an official diagnosis, responses would be different

If OP said she was aware that a child in her DD's class was allowed toys from home due to being autistic, and was wondering if her DD could have similar leeway due to being tearful and anxious about going to school despite not having autism, then I would think it was a good idea to ask.

OP instead seems to not know what to do about a child encountering kids having different rules for whatever reason - SEN, medical conditions, different parenting styles etc. All kids encounter this throughout their childhoods, and as a parent you can't kick off or crumble every time it happens.

There's a parent like you at my son's preschool op. Her daughter happily skips in each morning after a quick hug and that's it.

My son (awaiting assessment, the Sen lead there has basically told us she'd be amazed if he's not diagnosed eventually) has to be coached through every single step on a nursery morning and still regularly has a breakdown at drop off. He takes his comfort rabbit with him (this rabbit goes literally everywhere, we have 3 plus a spare at my parents house for emergencies) and she made a comment about him being allowed to take it in.

I didn't say anything at the time because I was already trying not to cry. But if I wish I'd have turned around and said don't you think I'd give my right arm for him to just walk in and be ok and not need to hold a rabbit everywhere he goes just to help him feel that bit less anxious??

But yeah, your poor dd 🙄

Well said @Fivebyfive2 , I hope your son's anxiety eases soon, regardless of the outcome of his assessments. It's so hard on everyone in the family.

It's not being used as a toy though it's a transition object. Not everyone is autistic (or one of the other conditions that benefit from additional support with transitions). It's the same as any other reasonable adjustment for a disability. It's not about equal treatment it about equity, because not everyone needs a transition object to manage school, just as not everyone needs a hearing aid or a wheelchair. This is a great opportunity to teach your child about hidden disabilities.

Toys or fidgets? Big difference.

Certain autistic children need accommodations made and its on you as a parent to explain to your child why this is the case.

YABVU