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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To allow DSC to call me mummy.

188 replies

Chaosandcuddles22 · 22/04/2024 23:08

I am likely to be absolutely flamed.
DSC has been living with me full time 95 percent of their life ( now year 1 at school)
for reasons they are now solely in my custody and that will not change. Their dad is no longer around and courts granted me parental responsibility and and live in order.
they know their bio mum and know I am not their bio mum but for many reasons they only see each-other 2-3 times a year now in a contact centre ( should be more )
they Have 1 bio sibling in the home and one non bio sibling. We run day to day like any other family and all children are treated the same
they do however have free contact with bio mums extended family something that I have always facilitated.
recently especially around bed time or even they are talking to others they have referred. to me as “ mummy or mum “
i used to correct them and their little face would look disheartened this was the wish of the extended family. I have spoken to DSC about the situation in a child friendly way but they want to refer to me like the other children in the house including his sibling. I have no issues of course and they will always be included in the same way for example if someone asks me how many children I have I will say 3.
I don’t know how to sensitively handle the situation.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 23/04/2024 13:30

@Summerpussy

She is his real mum

ScrambledEggForBrains · 23/04/2024 13:33

My dd calls my husbands stepdad Grandad. That’s the roll he has always played in her life therefore that’s who he is! Grandad. Your their Mum!

Tbry24 · 23/04/2024 13:46

That’s lovely to read and yes of course you are their mummy.

DeadbeatYoda · 23/04/2024 13:58

You're a good woman, Chaos. Those kids are lucky to have you.

BugBugTheTornado · 23/04/2024 14:03

My two DSDs live with us full time and don't see their mum or her family at all (and are unlikely to again). We have a 2yo DD at home too.

They call me Mum when they want something, Mummy when they really want something, MOTHER when I am being mortifying (frequently, obviously), Bruv a lot of the time (they're 13 and 18), and occasionally my name or a variation. At their ages I let them call me whatever they like, if they're talking to me it's a win!

Honestly, I'd 100% let them. A mum isn't just a biological thing as far as I'm concerned. They're the person you know loves you unconditionally, and it sounds to me like that is definitely you for your little ones x

KomodoOhno · 23/04/2024 14:31

Honestly you are the mum. You take care of them when they are sick, you are happy when they are happy and sad when they are sad. You worry for them and you sacrifice to give them all they need. That's more mum the giving birth. And sounds like you are an amazing one.

Cas112 · 23/04/2024 14:40

Its the childs choice, not the extended family

Redherringgull · 23/04/2024 14:46

In this instance you are most definitely Mummy for all three of your children.

Aykarumba · 23/04/2024 16:07

I grew up in circumstances very similar to your DSC. My mum is my mum. The woman who birthed me is my mother and my tenant. I don't care how she felt about me calling mum, mum. My family on my mum's side never really said anything about it. I'd have been heartbroken had she not allowed me to call her mum.

IwishMaxTheriothadanOnlyfans · 23/04/2024 16:24

My sister is in a similar situation OP but her DSC sees bio mum monthly. Calls my sis mum and has done for years. He also calls his bio mum mum when he's with her. Kids deserve to have someone in their day to day lives the can call mum/mummy where it's at all possible.

PinotDragon · 23/04/2024 16:28

Oh wow that actually made me wobble a bit; please do let then call you mummy and bugger what the extended family think. As far as the child is concerned you are their mum and doing a great job by the sounds of it.

tsmainsqueeze · 23/04/2024 16:42

This precious child is blessed to have you as their mommy , you have something special and the extended family have no part in this .
The security that you as their mommy is giving this child is going to make such a difference in their life always , much love and happiness to you all .

zingally · 23/04/2024 17:18

Considering you're basically the childs sole parent, I don't think anyone would realistically argue with you being called Mum.
2-3 times a year in a contact centre, does not a mother make.

If the extended family don't like it, screw them. I guess they weren't beating down your door to have the child themselves? Their opinions don't matter - only the feelings of your child.

Starsandflowers · 23/04/2024 17:24

Why on earth would you get flamed for this? You are their mother of course they will call you mum. They may also have a bio mum but that doesn't take away from the fact that day to day you are their main caregiver and they want to call you mum. Of course they should be allowed to!

MargaretThursday · 23/04/2024 17:42

When I nannied a small one (age about 18 months), he refused to refer to me anything other than "mums" when outside the house. Inside the house I was always my name.

We (me and his mum) used to call it a "job description" and I am totally confident he didn't think I was his mum.
Would thinking of it as a job description help?

rainbowbee · 23/04/2024 17:51

Can you be plain 'mummy' (as you are indeed- meeting a few times a year in a contact centre doesn't form any proper maternal relationship!) and the bio mum could be mummy-name?
The extended family don't get to say. It sounds like the child has been messed around enough. He knows that you are 'mummy' just the same as his siblings, and you sound lovely.

Chaosandcuddles22 · 23/04/2024 18:54

Hi thank you for your kind words, we had a lovely dinner out their choice and had a good chat. I told them it was okay to call me mummy. They had a few questions and we spoke and then when we got home he told my DD “ your mummy is my mummy now “ 😂😂😂
in which my DD replied “ we know now are you sharing those sweet or what haha “
😂😂

OP posts:
Haydenn · 23/04/2024 19:00

Chaosandcuddles22 · 23/04/2024 18:54

Hi thank you for your kind words, we had a lovely dinner out their choice and had a good chat. I told them it was okay to call me mummy. They had a few questions and we spoke and then when we got home he told my DD “ your mummy is my mummy now “ 😂😂😂
in which my DD replied “ we know now are you sharing those sweet or what haha “
😂😂

Edited

nicest post and thread on mumsnet I’ve seen for a while. Happy for you and your family OP. You’re one of life’s good eggs.

CadyEastman · 23/04/2024 19:00

Chaosandcuddles22 · 23/04/2024 18:54

Hi thank you for your kind words, we had a lovely dinner out their choice and had a good chat. I told them it was okay to call me mummy. They had a few questions and we spoke and then when we got home he told my DD “ your mummy is my mummy now “ 😂😂😂
in which my DD replied “ we know now are you sharing those sweet or what haha “
😂😂

Edited

That's such a lovely update. They all know and accept you as Mum to all of of them Flowers

Ellmau · 23/04/2024 19:06

Chaosandcuddles22 · 23/04/2024 18:54

Hi thank you for your kind words, we had a lovely dinner out their choice and had a good chat. I told them it was okay to call me mummy. They had a few questions and we spoke and then when we got home he told my DD “ your mummy is my mummy now “ 😂😂😂
in which my DD replied “ we know now are you sharing those sweet or what haha “
😂😂

Edited

That's so sweet.

Maybeicanhelpyou · 23/04/2024 19:07

Awesome update, I need a tissue!

Everythinggreen · 23/04/2024 19:07

Aww such a lovely update @Chaosandcuddles22 and love your DDs reaction 😂 like "yeah that's old news now onto important subjects like sweets" 😂

NeedToChangeName · 23/04/2024 19:11

Brilliant

Well done

I think you got lots of good advice on this thread

Summatoruvva · 23/04/2024 19:18

You sound incredible and clearly embody mumness. I think it would help your child to heal if they could call you mum.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 23/04/2024 19:18

I honestly think this is the most wholesome step parent thread I have ever read.

This child has two biological parents but only one mummy and that is you op. The extended family should be glad that dsc has a mum who loves them as much as their own dc.

I’m glad you’ve had the chat and all has worked out. You clearly have a lovely little family.