…to leave a lovely friendship group because of one person?

[Ndujauser]

A bit of background - I’m part of a group of friends who met through a hobby. Six of us to start with, now down to five. Friend six has distanced herself from the group, but some of us see her individually.
We’ve had an annual weekend away together for a few years, plus a few weekends doing our shared hobby, the odd meal out with partners. This year is a big birthday for two of the group, and a more lavish weekend than our usual kind of thing is being planned. All good, except for I’m finding it really difficult to deal with one of the group, let’s call her Sue. She is awful. Rude, lazy, self obsessed, and getting worse. I’ve recently found out from friend six that she left the gang because she feels the same as me about Sue.
The other three women in the group are fantastic, and put up with Sue (because they are nicer people than I am). I’d love to get away for a big weekend with them, but the thought of having to shell out loads of money and have to put up with this mardy baggage isn’t filling me with enthusiasm.
What shall I do? Go along, and keep smiling through gritted teeth? Make an excuse not to be there? Or do what friend six did, and push off out of it?
All suggestions gratefully received.

Form a new group with Friend 6. Invite the others that you like from the old group.

Alternatively, call Sue out on her awful behaviour?

I would do what 6 did.

Its fine to say “No offence to Sue, but she’s not really my type of person” to your other friends. I’ve heard this before and respected it.

I wouldn’t go on the weekend and see if the others are also keen to distance themselves after that. You never know, a weekend with mardy might make them lose their patience and not want to see her again too.

A very tricky situation. What does Sue actually do that gets your goat?

I'd pull out but I wouldn't make an excuse.

I think I'd be reluctant to spend time and money to be with someone I didn't like too. Could you go away with friend six for a night instead?

She brings nothing to the group, she’s very dodgy about paying for stuff - never buys a round of drinks, she’s lazy about cooking and clearing up when we go away, has zero sense of humour, and likes thrash metal. That last one isn’t a reason to hate her, of course, but it makes it easier to.

I was going to say the same as another poster. Get together with the friend who left and form your own group. Someone I know did this after being in a group of 8 where a couple of them started to be bitchy and catty. 3 left in quite quick succession, and then one more went not long after. Then they enlisted a couple of fresh people and had a new group of 6.

I wouldn’t spend my money and time to be around someone I don’t like. She sounds hard work and negative and honestly I wouldn’t have the energy for it. I’d be clear why too.

I’d ask friend 6 if they would like to join you for a night away as@CadyEastman suggested

I’m going to need to be brave here, judging by what you lot have suggested!

speak to friend 6 and invite any of the others you'd like to and then arrange something between you if you'd like. You would have to all bow out of the original outing though.

you are not obliged to take the annoying friend if none of you want to especially if she is not pulling her weight financially and in terms of work.

I have a similar whatsapp group set up with a similar number of people and I know one of the group runs the others up the front way so people within the group meet separately and often some invite her. It's not the nicest thing but we get to spend time with whom we want to.

W hat does runs others up the front way mean??

I think it’s a typo for “rubs people up the wrong way” but I think I prefer the typo.

” you’re running me up the front way, you are” 🤣🤣

She sounds awful. I’d struggle to tolerate that.

Good suggestions here
so I’d definitely not go on the trip and tell them why
just say she’s not your sort of person sorry
and it may be that after the trip they can see what you and six do!!
meanwhile make your own new group and add the ones you like and want to keep in touch with and make your own plans

Just arrange something of your own, invite friend 6 and the other people you like from the group.

This isn't all that complicated, you just have to take the lead.

This is exactly what my DH says. I know you and he are right. Just need to woman up and get on with it.

MN can be a bit of an echo chamber. If Sue posts on here that a group of friends from a mutual hobby are planning a big trip without her, she'll be told that you're all bitches for excluding her

I think it's quite simple. Go if you want to. If Sue's presence will spoil it for you, make an excuse not to go

If you try to exclude her, you may find people support her and you're the one that gets kicked out of the group

I don't think that OP arranging something with people she actually wants to spend time with is excluding anyone.

They are free to carry on seeing Sue outside of that.

The problem is when groups forget that they are made up of separate individuals.

OP can invite whoever she likes to spend time with her. She doesn't have to feel bad for excluding anyone because they are also free to arrange whatever they want for themselves!

Snap and fart 😆

True what you say @ringoffiire but @NeedToChangeName is right, we’d all be supporting Sue and slagging off the rest of the group big time.

Sorry, OP. I’ve nothing more useful to add here except I feel for you, friendships groups can be awkward and I wouldn’t be able to tolerate thrash metal either :)

Yeah I agree. It's all very well to say that a group is made up of individuals - that's an okay explanation for meeting up with 1 or 2 members of the group separately because you live nearer one another or take kids the same age out together or share a specific hobby...i.e. exactly what friend 6 has done - but inviting every member of a group apart from 1 to something will come across as mean and bitchy, because it is mean and bitchy.

Perhaps the other 4 genuinely do like Sue?

You've got no obligation to be friends with her if you don't like her, but the correct way of dealing with that is to not go on the holiday yourself, not to organise a separate event without her behind her back!

Be honest, if Sue or one of the others invited everyone apart from you to something, you'd feel like shit.

This is how I feel. It feels mean to push Sue out of the group in thus way.

Well yeah. And there is no 'echo chamber' bullshit going on. People are responding to the OP and what she is saying. We are hearing her side, her version of events, and giving advice on what we would do in her position.

If 'Sue' came on and gave her side/her version of events, and said all her friends are deserting her and forming new friendships, people would respond accordingly to her.

No-one is copying what others are saying, people are purely giving opinions to the OP.

How odd to suggest that this thread is an echo chamber.