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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

…to leave a lovely friendship group because of one person?

134 replies

Ndujauser · 22/04/2024 17:17

A bit of background - I’m part of a group of friends who met through a hobby. Six of us to start with, now down to five. Friend six has distanced herself from the group, but some of us see her individually.
We’ve had an annual weekend away together for a few years, plus a few weekends doing our shared hobby, the odd meal out with partners. This year is a big birthday for two of the group, and a more lavish weekend than our usual kind of thing is being planned. All good, except for I’m finding it really difficult to deal with one of the group, let’s call her Sue. She is awful. Rude, lazy, self obsessed, and getting worse. I’ve recently found out from friend six that she left the gang because she feels the same as me about Sue.
The other three women in the group are fantastic, and put up with Sue (because they are nicer people than I am). I’d love to get away for a big weekend with them, but the thought of having to shell out loads of money and have to put up with this mardy baggage isn’t filling me with enthusiasm.
What shall I do? Go along, and keep smiling through gritted teeth? Make an excuse not to be there? Or do what friend six did, and push off out of it?
All suggestions gratefully received.

OP posts:
bluegreygreen · 23/04/2024 14:35

Agree with @Catandsquirrel

Whatever happens with outings etc, given that you're a small group doing a specific hobby you're all likely to have to rub along with each other for some time. Excluding Sue without properly challenging her seems unreasonable.

Also, while she may annoy you, I don't think I'd choose an event intended to celebrate 2 people's 'big birthdays' to make this stand. Go along and challenge, yes, but not do something to cause the event (or even the group) to implode.

LameBorzoi · 23/04/2024 14:36

1offnamechange · 23/04/2024 10:41

Well yes of course I understand people have different opinions...I don't really see how me disagreeing with yours is any different to you first disagreeing with @Workhardcryharder ?

You're entitled to your opinion that several people who have been a collective group since they first met years ago and have always generally met up together, as a group, is exactly the same as your best friend's neighbour's sister that you met once at a bbq, and I'm entitled to think that opinion is....illogical at best.

I just think it's bizarre that so many posters seem to think that it's okay to just cut Sue off for something she doesn't even know she's done. OP has said none of the others in the group challenged Sue when she did any of the objectionable things because they felt that would be too mean/not "nice", yet people are suggesting that going behind her back and setting up a new group or organising a trip or event with all her friends except her ISNT mean? It seems like exactly the teenage clique bullying behaviour that women get a bad name for.

For me I'd find it far less hurtful for someone to say "hey x you're the only one who hasn't bought a round, cough up" than to wonder why the WhatsApp group has suddenly gone quiet and then see a photo on Instagram or wherever of all my closest friends on holiday without me. As others have said there have been lots of posts on MN from the "Sue's" POV and those women have been devastated.

OP is perfectly within her rights to dislike Sue, who does sound like a pain but the way to handle that is either to address the behaviour directly with her like a grown up or to just step away from the group, and then if other members want to meet up separately, that's fair enough.

Edited
Show quote history

Normally I would be saying exactly that, but it doesn't sound like a single issue thing with Sue? It sounds like she's persistently pretty selfish, and that it had been called out previously. You can't nag someone into being a decent person.

Tryingtobewellbalanced · 23/04/2024 15:12

bluegreygreen · 23/04/2024 14:35

Agree with @Catandsquirrel

Whatever happens with outings etc, given that you're a small group doing a specific hobby you're all likely to have to rub along with each other for some time. Excluding Sue without properly challenging her seems unreasonable.

Also, while she may annoy you, I don't think I'd choose an event intended to celebrate 2 people's 'big birthdays' to make this stand. Go along and challenge, yes, but not do something to cause the event (or even the group) to implode.

A bit late now. The most recent post from OP says she has dropped the truth bomb on the group.

I'm waiting for the next OP update. It's more tense than an Eastender Christmas special this.

Catandsquirrel · 23/04/2024 15:16

I think it's been bombs away on the group minus Sue. They have time to pull it back and agree to try addressing the behaviour instead.

bluegreygreen · 23/04/2024 16:16

Catandsquirrel · 23/04/2024 15:16

I think it's been bombs away on the group minus Sue. They have time to pull it back and agree to try addressing the behaviour instead.

That's what I was thinking.

Princessfluffy · 23/04/2024 16:43

Anybody who is financially exploiting the other members of the group and not pulling their weight in other ways too is quite aware that they are doing this and is not incentivised to stop this behaviour. It's very disrespectful and also antisocial behaviour.

These people don't deserve to be included in groups. It's not disrespectful to effectively say to someone that you are no longer willing to be taken advantage of by them.

ringoffiire · 23/04/2024 18:13

Workhardcryharder · 23/04/2024 08:12

Give over, you know that is not the same thing. They are a group of friends. Inviting everyone a part from one is just mean.

She doesn’t HAVE to do anything. But excluding a single person from a getaway is shitty behaviour, whether you can justify it to yourself or not

Show quote history

They're a group of people who met through a hobby, not a group of friends.

If OP wants to initiate befriending/ hanging out with the people she likes from a hobby group of her own volition, I genuinely do not understand the problem with this.

It also sounds like the person she doesn't want to include is pretty unpleasant.

I also don't understand why you can't appreciate that some people think differently to you.

Workhardcryharder · 23/04/2024 18:21

ringoffiire · 23/04/2024 18:13

They're a group of people who met through a hobby, not a group of friends.

If OP wants to initiate befriending/ hanging out with the people she likes from a hobby group of her own volition, I genuinely do not understand the problem with this.

It also sounds like the person she doesn't want to include is pretty unpleasant.

I also don't understand why you can't appreciate that some people think differently to you.

Show quote history

“Sorry but I genuinely don’t get how”

”I don’t understand why you can’t appreciate that some people think differently to you.”

back at you pal!

Original poster
Ndujauser · 23/04/2024 18:34

Update from today. One of the others suggested that we just quietly drop the plans for the weekend away, and have a big dinner out minus Sue but with Six. Nothing has been booked yet, so nobody loses out. And Sue will be too lazy to suggest that she takes on the organising. I hope.
We do have to keep seeing her at team stuff, but that’s manageable.

OP posts:
Hippee · 23/04/2024 18:37

Princessfluffy · 23/04/2024 16:43

Anybody who is financially exploiting the other members of the group and not pulling their weight in other ways too is quite aware that they are doing this and is not incentivised to stop this behaviour. It's very disrespectful and also antisocial behaviour.

These people don't deserve to be included in groups. It's not disrespectful to effectively say to someone that you are no longer willing to be taken advantage of by them.

This

WaitingforCheese · 23/04/2024 18:50

That’s a great update and good news.

Gymnopedie · 23/04/2024 20:28

Ndujauser · 23/04/2024 18:34

Update from today. One of the others suggested that we just quietly drop the plans for the weekend away, and have a big dinner out minus Sue but with Six. Nothing has been booked yet, so nobody loses out. And Sue will be too lazy to suggest that she takes on the organising. I hope.
We do have to keep seeing her at team stuff, but that’s manageable.

It just needed one person to be open about it and suddenly it falls into place for everyone. Just no-one wanted to be first. Well done on it being you.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 23/04/2024 21:47

MN can be a bit of an echo chamber. If Sue posts on here that a group of friends from a mutual hobby are planning a big trip without her, she'll be told that you're all bitches for excluding her

Yes, but only because 'Sue' wouldn’t add in the crucial details that she was lazy and tight.

SabreIsMyFave · 23/04/2024 22:31

ringoffiire · 23/04/2024 18:13

They're a group of people who met through a hobby, not a group of friends.

If OP wants to initiate befriending/ hanging out with the people she likes from a hobby group of her own volition, I genuinely do not understand the problem with this.

It also sounds like the person she doesn't want to include is pretty unpleasant.

I also don't understand why you can't appreciate that some people think differently to you.

Show quote history

100% this. ^ 👏

SabreIsMyFave · 23/04/2024 22:32

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 23/04/2024 21:47

MN can be a bit of an echo chamber. If Sue posts on here that a group of friends from a mutual hobby are planning a big trip without her, she'll be told that you're all bitches for excluding her

Yes, but only because 'Sue' wouldn’t add in the crucial details that she was lazy and tight.

😆

latetothefisting · 23/04/2024 22:40

ringoffiire · 23/04/2024 18:13

They're a group of people who met through a hobby, not a group of friends.

If OP wants to initiate befriending/ hanging out with the people she likes from a hobby group of her own volition, I genuinely do not understand the problem with this.

It also sounds like the person she doesn't want to include is pretty unpleasant.

I also don't understand why you can't appreciate that some people think differently to you.

Show quote history

flipping heck how high is your criteria for what constitutes a group of friends, if frequently meeting up outside of the hobby for SEVERAL YEARS, knowing one another's partners, celebrating birthdays together, and going on multiple holidays together isn't enough?

Yes the hobby was HOW they met but they then became friends. How on earth would you get to a 'friends' classification otherwise if the way you met excludes you from it? 'They're a group of people who met via work/school/university/church/kids school/volunteering/gym, not a group of friends.'

ringoffiire · 24/04/2024 07:12

latetothefisting · 23/04/2024 22:40

flipping heck how high is your criteria for what constitutes a group of friends, if frequently meeting up outside of the hobby for SEVERAL YEARS, knowing one another's partners, celebrating birthdays together, and going on multiple holidays together isn't enough?

Yes the hobby was HOW they met but they then became friends. How on earth would you get to a 'friends' classification otherwise if the way you met excludes you from it? 'They're a group of people who met via work/school/university/church/kids school/volunteering/gym, not a group of friends.'

Show quote history

My criteria for a group of friends is that everyone in the group considers the other members friends.

In this group, several people don't consider Sue a friend. She's someone they met through a hobby.

lucindasspunkyfunkyvoice · 24/04/2024 17:56

I have a similar friend in a group

none of us has a problem with calling her out. It’s done in a gentle way but we’re consistent

and it keeps her in check

5YearsLeft · 24/04/2024 18:39

I know this is derailing but @Ndujauser is it taxidermy? Or Morris dancing? Whenever someone says “odd hobby” or “not very many women in the hobby,” I always think it’s either taxidermy or Morris dancing. If it’s intentionally bad taxidermy (or I suppose, intentionally bad Morris dancing, though some claim that’s hard to tell), that’s even funnier.

Original poster
Ndujauser · 24/04/2024 18:45

5YearsLeft · 24/04/2024 18:39

I know this is derailing but @Ndujauser is it taxidermy? Or Morris dancing? Whenever someone says “odd hobby” or “not very many women in the hobby,” I always think it’s either taxidermy or Morris dancing. If it’s intentionally bad taxidermy (or I suppose, intentionally bad Morris dancing, though some claim that’s hard to tell), that’s even funnier.

It is neither of those things, though I’m very much enjoying the image of Sue doing a bit of Morris dancing. Are there groups who do intentionally bad taxidermy? I bet there are. Going to Google it now.

OP posts:
Catandsquirrel · 24/04/2024 18:58

Quite a rare example of the other side of the posts where a friendship group (the OP literally used this expression) freezes one member out without warning. Interesting to see how much support this got when it's an approach quite roundly condemned on the other types of post.

People can do what they like within the law. It isn't mandatory to consider others' feelings and it can take more effort but what would you have preferred, honestly? People don't always realise they are taking the Mick in small ways or not being a great fit. Just seems heavy handed and a bit cowardly to go from not daring to speak frankly for years to cutting her out entirely when there is the hobby connection meaning she can't just sever ties entirely if left feeling humiliated and confused.

@lucindasspunkyfunkyvoice solution seems painless enough to try.

Teenagehorrorbag · 24/04/2024 23:16

I'm not sure. It seems a bit bitchy to surreptiously leave and set up your own group.

Go on the weekend, then talk to everyone else afterwards. Make clear notes of all the things she does that upsets you. If you all agree then someone needs to man up and tell her that you are all leaving the group because her x,y,z behaviours are not making you feel OK. Up to you whether you give her the chance to change or just tell her goodbye - but she should have a heads up at least.

Not easy......

Nanaof1 · 25/04/2024 04:49

5YearsLeft · 24/04/2024 18:39

I know this is derailing but @Ndujauser is it taxidermy? Or Morris dancing? Whenever someone says “odd hobby” or “not very many women in the hobby,” I always think it’s either taxidermy or Morris dancing. If it’s intentionally bad taxidermy (or I suppose, intentionally bad Morris dancing, though some claim that’s hard to tell), that’s even funnier.

Thank you. I had zero clue as to what Morris Dancing is. Now I do. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. 😆😉

Morris Dancing - only in England

Morris dancing is a form of English folk dance usually accompanied by music. It is based on rhythmic stepping and the execution of choreographed figures by a...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3bF9P42YTo

Ubugly · 26/04/2024 07:46

If you do go I would suggest a whip so she can't dodge any payments. Or say I'm paying for myself.

Could you say us 2 will cook you 2 can wash up.

All very wimpy but I'm a wimp in situations like this.

TwoGlasses · 26/04/2024 08:12

Ndujauser · 23/04/2024 18:34

Update from today. One of the others suggested that we just quietly drop the plans for the weekend away, and have a big dinner out minus Sue but with Six. Nothing has been booked yet, so nobody loses out. And Sue will be too lazy to suggest that she takes on the organising. I hope.
We do have to keep seeing her at team stuff, but that’s manageable.

Well done @Ndujauser - I bet the others are really pleased you've said something, especially friend 6.
You really don't need to socialise with people you don't like - something quite different to being polite and inclusive to everyone at a shared hobby.