…to leave a lovely friendship group because of one person?

[Ndujauser]

A bit of background - I’m part of a group of friends who met through a hobby. Six of us to start with, now down to five. Friend six has distanced herself from the group, but some of us see her individually.
We’ve had an annual weekend away together for a few years, plus a few weekends doing our shared hobby, the odd meal out with partners. This year is a big birthday for two of the group, and a more lavish weekend than our usual kind of thing is being planned. All good, except for I’m finding it really difficult to deal with one of the group, let’s call her Sue. She is awful. Rude, lazy, self obsessed, and getting worse. I’ve recently found out from friend six that she left the gang because she feels the same as me about Sue.
The other three women in the group are fantastic, and put up with Sue (because they are nicer people than I am). I’d love to get away for a big weekend with them, but the thought of having to shell out loads of money and have to put up with this mardy baggage isn’t filling me with enthusiasm.
What shall I do? Go along, and keep smiling through gritted teeth? Make an excuse not to be there? Or do what friend six did, and push off out of it?
All suggestions gratefully received.

Well yeah. And there is no 'echo chamber' bullshit going on. People are responding to the OP and what she is saying. We are hearing her side, her version of events, and giving advice on what we would do in her position.

If 'Sue' came on and gave her side/her version of events, and said all her friends are deserting her and forming new friendships, people would respond accordingly to her.

No-one is copying what others are saying, people are purely giving opinions to the OP.

How odd to suggest that this thread is an echo chamber.

I would do what 6 did.

Its fine to say “No offence to Sue, but she’s not really my type of person” to your other friends. I’ve heard this before and respected it.

I’ve been in this situation, in the end I said to the women I did like I’m happy to meet up without X this time. Sometimes I get together with the nice ladies and if there was an invite that included X I’d always decline. I would wait until she replied yes or no on WhatsApp and then type my reply.
In the end I left the group, partly because it can to a natural end and partly because of my avoidance of X. It was actually a relief when I stopped seeing the ladies.

(I didn’t mean to post twice, sorry!)

What? It’s not “odd”. I can’t stand it when people try to put down others comments by calling them “odd” and “weird” and “strange” just to make them feel out of place.

Just say you disagree and move on

It absolutely is excluding someone.

She can invite who she wants,

just as I can eat microwaved tuna laced with fermented egg in my small corporate office.

But sometimes we sacrifice doing “whatever we want” for the sake of not being a twat

It's a simple one really. Do you put up with one person so that you get to spend time with the rest of them?

I'd sit this one out personally.

This is exactly what happened in our group of six 😆 Once our version of friend six distanced herself it made it a lot easier to break away from Sue. Follow suit, OP.

Is she more friendly with one person in the group than the rest. If so you may end up cutting them off too. Necessary though I think.

I tolerate one person in our friendship group even though she does my head in. I just focus on the ones I like . She does not like me either so it's easy to avoid sitting next to her. I still wish her well, but she drives me up the wall for some reason (always in money trouble, begging to borrow money, then goes on an expensive holiday... that sort of thing)

Am wondering what the issue with your "friend"'s love of metal is 😁 I have a weak spot for heavy metal myself but would never force it on my friends 😇

Go or don't go. No biggie.

I’ve had this a few times (perhaps my tolerance of people is low and I’m the real problem 😂) and I distanced myself from a couple of groups, turned down invitations in the WhatsApp chats and eventually left the chats citing my availability incompatibility.

I kept in touch with individuals from both groups that I gelled with and have firm one to one friendships with them now but I didn’t bother attempting to replicate the group dynamic.

Has anyone ever tried calling Sue out on her behaviour? Not recommending it because I'm not sure I'd have the guts myself, depends on the group dynamics. Is everyone else totally okay with her behaviour?

I think I'd be quietly following friend number 6 in this.

Has anyone ever called her out for any of these things? If not, it will come s a surprise to her if she finds out that a new friendship group, consisting of everyone but her, has formed.

Having said that, I don’t blame OP for not wanting to spend time with her.

Cross posted with @ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine

It sounds rude! 😜😂

If it was me I would pull her to one side and tell her how your feeling she either take it on board or tell you to do one ...either way it wouldn't stop me going with my Friends not everyone likes everyone that's life ...it takes more energy to be off with her or ignor her ...maybe she feels the same anout you 🤣

Sorry but I genuinely don't get how it is excluding someone to arrange something and invite the people who you want to spend time with.

When you arrange social events do you invite every single person you know, including people you don't like? All of the friends of your friends?

To OP, Sue is a friend of a friend - and one that she doesn't particularly like at that.

OP doesn't owe her anything just because she's attached to a hobby group. She certainly doesn't have to invite her to things that she arranges herself with people whose company she enjoys.

I don't know if you're being deliberately obtuse or if you honestly don't understand the meaning of the word 'group.'

Sue ISN'T just a "friend of a friend." OP didn't become friends with one of the others who then brought Sue along at a later date as an extra. They all met at the same time and formed a group. Every other time they've met up as a group over the last several years everyone has been invited. Every other holiday they've been on, it's been as a group. The current holiday was suggested to the whole group. They probably have a whatsapp group or similar they all belong to, on which events are organised. Therefore to suddenly not invite one member of a defined group would be cruel, regardless if you don't like them.

If you've got 30 kids in a class it's mean to invite 29 of them to a party and leave one out. If 5 colleagues work in a team it's mean (and could be construed as bullying) if only 4 of them are invited to the Christmas party, etc.

It's a completely different scenario to inviting individual friends of friends who don't know each other to events, or, if, back when they first all attended the hobby BEFORE THE GROUP FORMED, OP suggested meeting up only with the people she liked and not inviting Sue then, or even OP just meeting up with one or two of the others now. But now they have been an established group for several years, suddenly excluding Sue from events would be horrible.

The problem with friendship groups of more than 1 is that you never know when you're part of the gand or a "Sue." For all you know, Sue might be seeking advice about your ways too.

Exactly, otherwise you're in a cult!

Exactly. I’m in a similar situation and suggested a meet up without our ‘Sue’ and was told I was being mean to exclude her.
So either I put up with her or miss out on a trip with other people I like.

For just this time I think I’d go. Otherwise the people whose big birthday it is will feel crappy.

I’m in a similar situation, OP. I enthusiastically agreed to a holiday without realising a friend of friends had been invited. They all think she’s wonderful; I think she’s a domineering know-all who could do with a slap with a wet haddock.

I got lucky - everyone was faffing so much when it came to choosing accommodation that a couple of people decided to book their own, so I did the same. Is this an option for you? If you were just staying nearby and could meet up with the others as and when, but have your own space when you needed it, maybe it would be easier to put up with Sue.

Just opt out of the weekends away.

See individual members of the group socially.

Do not form another group.

Make new friends too. These people in the group aren't the only people in the world.