…to leave a lovely friendship group because of one person?

[Ndujauser]

A bit of background - I’m part of a group of friends who met through a hobby. Six of us to start with, now down to five. Friend six has distanced herself from the group, but some of us see her individually.
We’ve had an annual weekend away together for a few years, plus a few weekends doing our shared hobby, the odd meal out with partners. This year is a big birthday for two of the group, and a more lavish weekend than our usual kind of thing is being planned. All good, except for I’m finding it really difficult to deal with one of the group, let’s call her Sue. She is awful. Rude, lazy, self obsessed, and getting worse. I’ve recently found out from friend six that she left the gang because she feels the same as me about Sue.
The other three women in the group are fantastic, and put up with Sue (because they are nicer people than I am). I’d love to get away for a big weekend with them, but the thought of having to shell out loads of money and have to put up with this mardy baggage isn’t filling me with enthusiasm.
What shall I do? Go along, and keep smiling through gritted teeth? Make an excuse not to be there? Or do what friend six did, and push off out of it?
All suggestions gratefully received.

I think it's fine to arrange a weekend away with friend 6, but once you start inviting the others it has a definite group vibe and you can't really exclude any of the usual members. It would be even better if you invite someone not related to the old group.

Apart from not having a sense of humour, these are all practical issues. Could you suggest in the group chat that you agree in advance how you will split cooking/clearing up/paying for things?

I don't know if you're being deliberately obtuse or if you honestly don't understand that some people have different outlooks.

I disagree with what you are saying and I think it's absolutely fine for OP to arrange to go out for lunch (or whatever she wants to do) with whoever she wants to spend time with.

It's not mean to exclude someone who doesn't contribute to the work of catering for the group and also leaves you financially out of pocket.

Sue is the one who should feel bad for this antisocial behaviour and not the OP.

I absolutely think OP has every right not to have to hang out with Sue and especially to not have to pay money to go on holiday with her.

But I think the people suggesting she can pick off the other members of the group one by one and remake it without Sue are being naive. In practice this would come across as pretty bitchy, it would lead to repercussions and OP would lose the moral high ground. Ultimately you don’t know what the other members of the group think of her and trying to advocate for them to dump her is unkind and could backfire.

I think you should just tactfully say Sue is not your cup of tea and bow out of the holiday but not try to social engineer this.

If none of the group likes her, can’t she just be not invited to stuff?

The rest of you plan stuff, invite the friend that left and stop including the mardy baggage.

So you’ve just taken a dislike to her then. I would maybe step back from the group but remain in contact with those of the group you do like.

I would be wary of making a fuss or forming a new group with everyone in it but her though. I’m not sure either of those things are necessary.

It's a real mean-girl thing to set up a new group of all the originals bar one. Either go on the trip (and just keep reminding her when it's her turn to buy a round fgs!) or don't go.

We don’t know none of the group likes her though, we only know OP and this former sixth member of the group dislike her. We have no idea what the others think and for all we know they may be her greatest cheerleaders.

OP can only deal with her own relationship with Sue: she can’t really decide on behalf of other people.

Can you go on the trips, but call her out on her poor behaviour?

"Suze - your round" "Shall we do a kitty to make it fair" or actually just use splitwise then it's all completely fair "Suze it's your turn to clean up" or "Shall we do a clean up rota to make it fair?" "Suze that thrash metal is giving me a headache can you turn it off". I bet the others will be secretly grateful and Suze will naturally exit the group.

But I think the people suggesting she can pick off the other members of the group one by one and remake it without Sue are being naive. In practice this would come across as pretty bitchy, it would lead to repercussions and OP would lose the moral high ground

Yes that’s what I think. Don’t make it to obvious you want to exclude her as it may backfire.

Leave group, make new group with 6 and then ask the others excluding sue. This will make you look Abit nasty but you don't have to deal with sue. Or be an adult and ask sue if she meant this or that. What the others think, not 6 about sues behaviour

I agree with this. I think you risk coming off bitchy by trying to rearrange the weekend without Sue. If the others haven't said anything, then it's possible they like Sue and don't see what you see.

I think you have two options;

1. go and address Sues behaviour as it happens. "Sue, your turn to cook, we've all done it". "Sue, sorry to be a pain but is that mess yours?". Not great to have to do this though.

2. decide it's no longer something you want to do and politely decline. IF someone asks you why, you can say that whilst you've loved the getaways before, you aren't sure you're compatible with Sue on this type of trip so are going to skip this one.

I get that you'd like a getaway without Sue, but I wouldn't get bitchy and underhand. Either address it head on maturely and kindly or remove yourself from the situation.

I too think you all need to address Sue’s behaviour. A simple “it’s your turn to cook/tidy up etc should do it.

She'll hopefully get fed up of having to do her share and stop coming with or she’ll do her bit.

We don’t know none of the group likes her though, we only know OP and this former sixth member of the group dislike her. We have no idea what the others think and for all we know they may be her greatest cheerleaders

Yeah that’s the thing. Other people in the group may actually like Sue or at least not be so irritated by her flaws (I mean no-ones perfect).

I suppose you could try challenging her on her behaviour (in a proper grown up way by speaking to her directly, not the PA “Sue is your round” as pp suggested - that could also come across as bitchy/childish because it will look like a sly dig)

My first step would be to set up a kitty in advance, or use Splitwise app

@Ndujauser I think part of the issue is that we make these things worse for ourselves. It doesn’t take necessarily take bravery; just maturity. Mature adults sort out problems for themselves. They point out when they’re being treated unfairly. I know bullying does still happen, and in those situations it can be very difficult, but you haven’t mentioned that, so I’m going to assume that Sue is not a bully, but just… well, mardy baggage that needs to be told it’s her round for drinks, it’s her turn to clear up, and that most people would rather remove their ears than hear thrash metal.

Because being brave can be fraught. But when you look at maturity, you can easily say, “Why yes! I AM a mature adult! Of course I can simply tell Sue it’s her round or her turn to clean up! We’re not children! She’s not going to chase me and call me names.” So don’t torture yourself. If you decide not to go, that’s fine. But if you do decide to go, just remember, you already have the tools you need to deal with someone like Sue.

@hottchocolatte Also, I know it’s derailing, but I must know what happened here. It’s not exactly a typo. It’s a very snapped and farted moment in an otherwise normal comment. What DOES “run you up the front way” mean? Because it’s got a complete word in the middle (up) that isn’t in “rub you the wrong way.”

EDIT: Apologies. The up is correct. I’m not sure what I was thinking of. So maybe… they ARE related???

@SabreIsMyFave I didn't say his thread was an echo chamber. I said that MN can be an echo chamber

And, although you disagreed with me, you've confirmed the point I was making. On this thread, people are quite sympathetic to OP, but if Sue started a thread about being excluded, then many of the replies would be quite different

Interestingly I had a similar experience about 2 years back. I formed a hobby group and there were about 8 of us.

2 of the women were not my cup of tea but it was ok and we rubbed along and I avoided them most of the time.

It came to a head when one made more veiled racist comments about MM and I decided I’d had enough. I told her what I thought of her in front of the group and left.

I then left the WhatsApp group after explaining that I’m not exposing myself to people like that anymore.

3 reached out and said they would like to see me separately.

2 years on the original group doesn’t exist and the splinter group is a very nice place indeed.

Thanks very much, wise women of MN. I’m going to tread very carefully here, because Sue will still be around whatever happens with the group. As 5YearsLeft pointed out, it’s all about maturity, and I’m grown up enough to just not WANT to spend time with Sue. I’ll message the others and tell them why I’m not coming, but not going to try and organise anything else without her. It might be that the group evolves into something else in the future, but I’ll leave that to the others.
And thanks to those who suggested Splitwise - which S won’t use because “I might get my bank account hacked”. You’d need a JCB to get into Sue’s bank account.

Give over, you know that is not the same thing. They are a group of friends. Inviting everyone a part from one is just mean.

She doesn’t HAVE to do anything. But excluding a single person from a getaway is shitty behaviour, whether you can justify it to yourself or not

You don't put bank account details in Splitwise.

Yes, it's just a sort of calculator. Or you could just do an old fashioned kitty.

You know this. I know this. Sue chooses not to know this.