AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

[StarDolphins]

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

this

In the nicest possible way I think you're allowing this dickhead to call all the shots. He doesn't do overnights, he's dictating what time she can leave a wedding and now he's saying he'll have your DD EOW and you'll do all the pick ups! What planet does he live on??
So now either your DD goes without you or she doesn't go at all. Don't cave in and ignore all the wailing from his family. Good luck OP!

Could you talk to your SIL about it? Is she more reasonable than exH? Particularly as your DD seems fond of her.

Well she doesn't have to. If she doesn't want to go then she doesn't have to go unless there's a court order (but even then doesn't the child at 8 get a say?).

Sounds to me like he's feeling the fall out of his lack of effort in his relationship and now blaming you, not uncommon I'm afraid, because men like this can't face up to the fact it's their own fault and they need to put effort in in order to have a relationship with their child.

Make it clear while you won't stand in the way of him seeing her, or her going , you are passive about the situation from your own pov and won't be being positive or negative about it. If DD wants to go, she can go, if she doesn't then she doesn't go and you won't be doing anything to influence her either way, and not making her go if she doesn't want to.

It's up to him to reassure her, be positive and put more effort in if he wants her to go, in other words he needs to invest in his relationship with his daughter if he wants one where she's comfortable doing things like this with him. Not expect to put minimum effort in and then have you do the rest for him.

And if he moves away simply to spite you then that's his luck out, he'll have to find a way to see her regularly because I wouldn't be going out of my way.

I know it's a long drive but there is an intermediate option.

Get a cheaper room just over half way maybe, or park up nearby - sit in a bar, go to a local cinema.

If she gets distressed he will call you to pick her up. He's not going to want to deal with a crying child. And you will be near enough to pop down.

If you don't hear anything call at 6.30/7 and ask to speak to her....if he refuses or doesn't answer just drive down and walk in.
If she says she is OK and having fun have a nice evening alone somewhere.

You don't need to tell him you have a room, just that you will pick her up at any time if he calls.
No-one would want to keep an upset child with them, he will be glad to pass the problem on to you.

Thank you! I’ve got absolutely all correspondence/outbursts from the last 8 years!

All accurate! & I agree.

Thank you & this is what my friend suggested too.

Wet true, especially the second paragraph! I think this is it!

Thank you! Honestly, I would block them all, they’d all stick together & harass me, which I’m not prepared to put up with.

Unfortunately they all have similar personalities & lack of understanding & empathy runs all through.

My DD really likes her Aunt but for the most superficial reasons ever! 😂

OP your ex and his family are bullies and haven’t even remotely got your child’s best interests at heart and this is dangerous. He knows she will be anxiety ridden and have an emotional meltdown and is happy to allow that to happen for no necessary reason. This is gross emotional abuse and not only of her, threatening you is emotional abuse of yourself as well. I’m sorry to sound flippant but this goes way beyond a trip away and your lovely but elderly dog. If you don’t put your foot down now and he realises that he can just threaten his way into doing whatever it is that he wants your daughter to do. It starts now and never ends. If you don’t protect her now she may not forgive you later down the line for not stepping in depending on what other unreasonable demands he makes on her life. She’s 8, and only has you to advocate for her. I can’t imagine living with myself knowing my child is being emotionally blackmailed into basically performing for someone’s wedding because of selfish, gutless, superficial adults. You know she will hate every minute of it, please don’t allow her to be put through this! You obviously care about your daughter which is great because he doesn’t and doesn’t deserve to have a relationship facilitated by you. Let him move to the moon, if they harass you, block and report to the police. Do whatever you have to do to protect your lovely little girl.

And btw if he moves away he will also have to drag his own butt down the motorway EOW to collect her… he’ll have to have her overnight and then either keep her (which he won’t want) or drive her back to you in time for for school…. Can you honesty see him keeping this up??…. I’d give him 2 weekends max before he starts making excuses for not being able to see her!!
My friends ex was always making threats, even took her to court and got visitation drawn up, had it included that he could see them one night a week after school, they sleep at his and he drop them at school the following day…. Guess how many times he did it!!!….. ZERO!!…. He picked them up maybe twice and took them for ice cream, but there was always an excuse not to have them overnight in the week… he fought for the right to take them abroad…. Guess how many times he’s done that in 8 years!!!….. yup… never!! He’s allowed to see them every other weekend, but hasn’t seen them since new year!!
It’s all about control, and the less my friend fights him the less he cares about seeing the kids!
Tell him it would be great for you if he had her overnight EOW as you’d love to start dating again…. I bet he’d never have her then!!

As for the dog…. Tell your friends about his threat, I bet at least one will offer to help with the dog so that you don’t have to beg this moron for scraps!
Tell him she will be his to look after ALL weekend as after 7 is too late…. And leave him to stew on the prospect of having to actually parent his daughter for the whole day, evening and have her sleep in his room and deal with her crying etc…. He’ll think about it as the day approaches he’ll start making suggestions like ‘oh well maybe you could pick her up at 5.30…. If he doesn’t then revert back to the other plans of being nearby without telling him or cancelling last minute.

Isn’t there a premium Inn nearby that you can stay in?

True! If he won’t make the effort while she’s on his doorstep then unlikely! He’s spent 3 years trying to reconcile & because it’s unsuccessful,he’s now getting shitty.

You’re right about my dog, 1 friend has offered already & I know others will.

There is but it’s gone up in price now!

I think I will get a Travelodge an hour away from the venue in a seaside place & we can then go to the beach & get ice-cream the next day then it’s only a 2 hour drive home.

@StarDolphins Honestly I don't understand why you're still facilitating this.

I'd say, "What a shame you have gone back on your promise to get me a hotel room so I can be there to support DD. That was the only way she could be talked into attending. Since you're no longer willing to do that, she doesn't want to go."

I think that's a lovely idea. Make some lemonade out of the lemon.

YABU. She’s 8 ffs and needs her mother.

This sounds lovely op x

no idea why my initial comment was deleted….. wish we got explanation of what rule we supposedly broke?