Page 12 | AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

JenFor · 23/04/2024 21:18

She has a mother and a father. Father’s family, so father should deal with it. Really not your problem, so go out and enjoy yourself

Katbum · 23/04/2024 22:09

This all seems mad. Why is she being forced to be bridesmaid if it’s this upsetting? Everyone saying she’ll be fine, we’ll maybe, but maybe also she’ll have a massive meltdown that impacts the day. Tell your ex he needs to step up and manage this as you are not willing to handhold so his family can have your child play some fantasy role in the wedding. I think you being there sets up a bad precedent for your ex, though can see how it would be a security blanket for dd.

Tortycatlover · 23/04/2024 22:27

readingmakesmehappy · 22/04/2024 12:55

Where is your ex in this? It's a wedding on his side of the family, he should be handholding.

Exactly this!

PeachShaker · 23/04/2024 22:58

Sounds difficult. I’d go with what your daughter wants then - go with her to the room and if necessary be clear she is not being a bridesmaid because that is HER decision and adults in her life should respect her and want her comfortable and happy, not just their ‚perfect bridesmaid‘. How horrible it would be for B&H to have photos to look back on of a child they forced selfishly to be uncomfortable. If they won’t comply and dd is happy with that, be firm she isn’t going when she won’t be treated with respect, and will not be attending.

PoopingAllTheWay · 24/04/2024 02:52

Daz57 · 23/04/2024 06:59

No need to shout.

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No need to comment! I will comment how i WANT

SoreAndTired1 · 24/04/2024 06:09

Well OP I think you are doing a wonderful job and you're sensitive to her needs, not just for this wedding, but all round with family and her aunt. I honestly don't think I could have handled it better and I think you are putting your daughters needs first and have her back, and that's what she needs to know and clearly does know. She's lucky she has you as her mother.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 24/04/2024 07:13

As an aside, that's a lot of driving, particularly if you don't like driving! Could you get the train?
Ideally you wouldn't be paying anything for travel or accommodation but it sounds rather difficult.

Original poster

StarDolphins · 24/04/2024 10:32

Ladybird11 · 23/04/2024 19:06

I haven't rtft, just your responses so apologies if this has been said before. You are a fab mum and I just wanted to clarify.. you were concerned that by 'fixing' this you'd be creating dependency.. actually the opposite is true. 'Fixing this' would look like pulling her from the event to reduce her anxiety- she'd learn that it was truly sthg to be anxious about and that she needs rescued. However what you're doing is offering support for her to attend, naturally reducing her anxiety and developing her resilience as she will learn she has back up and can face even things that make her feel anxious.
Long term this is the right approach.

Constant phone contact might be unrealistic so don't promise it, but remind her you will only be 5min away and looking forward to hearing from her after the service / before meal etc.. that way she can focus to 'get through' the uncomfortable bits (that she might end up enjoying) and look forward to chatting to you about it. If you tell her she can ring you at any stage (youd mentioned unlimited phone access), she is likely to depend on this as a coping strategy rather than develop her resilience.

In terms of prep, lots of focus on the excitement of hotel stay etc and less focus on what she 'doesn't have to do' as she will find her way on the day knowing that you are close by if she needs you. She probably won't, but is less likely to, just because you are close..having the option means she might never need to choose it. Then you focus on hotel room bliss on your own and prepare yourself not to be needed (and try not to be pissed off if she doesn't ring!). Hope it goes well. X

Thank you, this is really helpful and makes total sense!

I will be super pleased if she manages a nice day! She’s so much happier & relaxed knowing I’m close by. There been no tears or even talk of it since Mon. She just keeps talking about the excitement about our stay in a hotel!

I did wonder if I would create decency and her not being able to do anything without me and I just don’t want that for her, for her sake. You’re absolutely right though, I’m not fixing it, I’m enabling her to do it with support. Makes sense.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarDolphins · 24/04/2024 10:33

SoreAndTired1 · 24/04/2024 06:09

Well OP I think you are doing a wonderful job and you're sensitive to her needs, not just for this wedding, but all round with family and her aunt. I honestly don't think I could have handled it better and I think you are putting your daughters needs first and have her back, and that's what she needs to know and clearly does know. She's lucky she has you as her mother.

Thank you for your lovely reply!

OP posts:

Original poster

StarDolphins · 24/04/2024 10:36

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 24/04/2024 07:13

As an aside, that's a lot of driving, particularly if you don't like driving! Could you get the train?
Ideally you wouldn't be paying anything for travel or accommodation but it sounds rather difficult.

I said to my ex that I only wanted to get the train (cue lots of hysterics about me not being 90 & why?) as both me & my DD love the train, we travel to Manchester often & chat/have snack etc & it’s an adventure. The train station is 30 mins from the venue & no one will bring her to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarDolphins · 24/04/2024 10:45

Katbum · 23/04/2024 22:09

This all seems mad. Why is she being forced to be bridesmaid if it’s this upsetting? Everyone saying she’ll be fine, we’ll maybe, but maybe also she’ll have a massive meltdown that impacts the day. Tell your ex he needs to step up and manage this as you are not willing to handhold so his family can have your child play some fantasy role in the wedding. I think you being there sets up a bad precedent for your ex, though can see how it would be a security blanket for dd.

She won’t have a meltdown, she’ll keep it all in as she’s scared of being shouted at/told off. She will save it & it will come out when she sees me.

She’s not mentioning it any more now she knows I’ll be close but as it gets nearer, I will bring it up & see how she feels about the bridesmaid part. If she doesn’t want to do it then I’ll intervene & tell them.

The only thing she’s said is can I find a cardigan for over her dress incase she’s cold so we looked for 1 & she chose one.

Absolutely no one has taken the time to discuss with her what the day will look like. I have tried to prep her but I don’t know the specifics so it’s just general. I’ve had to nag (which I shouldn’t have to) to ensure a taxi is booked & she knows what time they will leaving the venue.

Nothing at all is going to arranged for her in future unless it goes through me & she’s had chance to discuss it with me first.

OP posts:

Original poster

StarDolphins · 24/04/2024 10:48

JenFor · 23/04/2024 21:18

She has a mother and a father. Father’s family, so father should deal with it. Really not your problem, so go out and enjoy yourself

Thank you, this was the original plan! I told my ex he needed to ensure all was ok for her but I just can’t now, I have to go with her & I’ve told her this so I would never go back on it.

He just doesn’t seem to have any understanding of children.

OP posts:

Jzp · 24/04/2024 11:00

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/04/2024 12:56

She’s 8 years old. I don’t think that you travelling and staying to offer her some support and help with her confidence at age 8 is going to lead to an entire lifetime of dependence on you, most 8-year-olds doing something big in unfamiliar surroundings need parental support, and her dad is going to be preoccupied with the wedding.

Otherwise, if it’s really causing her this much anxiety and worry, she needs to tell her aunt (again, with your support) that she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid.

Edited

This 100%.

Goodtogossip · 24/04/2024 11:20

She's 8 of course she wants her Mum there to support her. It doesn't mean you will have to be there for everything only things she feels uncomfortable with, for now. As she gets older her confidence will grow & she'll need you less & less.
Go to the hotel & let her enjoy the day with the knowledge you're nearby.

You can arrange another night out when your child doesn't need you. Be there for her when she does as it will help her know she can always rely on you which will help her confidence grow.

Original poster

StarDolphins · 24/04/2024 11:49

Goodtogossip · 24/04/2024 11:20

She's 8 of course she wants her Mum there to support her. It doesn't mean you will have to be there for everything only things she feels uncomfortable with, for now. As she gets older her confidence will grow & she'll need you less & less.
Go to the hotel & let her enjoy the day with the knowledge you're nearby.

You can arrange another night out when your child doesn't need you. Be there for her when she does as it will help her know she can always rely on you which will help her confidence grow.

Thank you, you’re right & this is what I fully intend to do & I do think she will have a lovely time.

I’ll remind her of this when I need her to wipe my bum for me & cut my 10” toenails in 30 years!🤣

Edited to add ; I’m joking of course! Incase the laughing face wasn’t clear!

OP posts:

User79853257976 · 24/04/2024 11:54

She shouldn’t even be a bridesmaid if she doesn’t want to be.

BigAnne · 24/04/2024 12:57

StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 12:53

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

My guess is your daughter will join up with the other 8 year old kid and won't want to leave. When my DGD is at an event with her mum she is very clingy and needy. When her mum's not there she's like a different child. Hope it all goes well.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/04/2024 15:24

@StarDolphins

I see there's one other BM of about the same age. Hopefully the two little girls will 'bond' a little bit over the shared 'duty', matching dress, etc. And hopefully the 2nd BM's mum will be around before the ceremony and take your DD under her wing a little bit. I know I would.

Bottom line is, it's only one day in DD's whole life whether it turns out joyous or 'not so'. And if it turns out not to be such a good day for her, as my dear friend's late Bubbe used to say "From this, little children do not die". You'll be there afterwards, and she'll be fine.

RampantIvy · 24/04/2024 18:27

JenFor · 23/04/2024 21:18

She has a mother and a father. Father’s family, so father should deal with it. Really not your problem, so go out and enjoy yourself

You're making a massive assumption that he and his family will step up. It's clear that the OP doesn't think they will which is why, understandably, she wants to be close by.

The OP's DD is only 8 not 18.

T1Dmama · 25/04/2024 00:42

Farahfawsett · 22/04/2024 13:06

Eh? She'll be with her Dad, so she will have a parent staying with her at all times.

Surely you just need to say to your Ex; "DD is really anxious about the wedding, make sure you stick with her and be aware that you may need to leave the wedding and go back to your hotel room if she becomes uncomfortable."

That would be unfortunate for him obviously if that were the case, but a decent father would know his child's limitations and would be prepared for such a situation if his child is being asked to do something outside of their comfort zone.

If a father can't look after his daughter what the fuck is he good for??

THIS

He either steps up and supports his daughter or she pulls out from attending the wedding and stays home with you!
You shouldn’t be expected to be put out and have to support DD when she’s in his care!

T1Dmama · 25/04/2024 00:44

RampantIvy · 24/04/2024 18:27

You're making a massive assumption that he and his family will step up. It's clear that the OP doesn't think they will which is why, understandably, she wants to be close by.

The OP's DD is only 8 not 18.

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Op quite clearly doesn’t want to go!

SplitFountainPen · 25/04/2024 00:47

It's not worth that amount of upset, book the room! In a few years she'll be independent, it's not long that they need you this intensely for.

spanieleyes22 · 25/04/2024 00:50

BlueberryBricks · 22/04/2024 13:48

This all sounds like a great solution for her feckless father tbh.

He gets his DD looking cute in the photos. But at the point he has to do any challenging parenting he can just dump her on you, sitting dutifully waiting in your hotel room ready to looking after her and he can then return and party the night away.

No wonder his only solution to the issue is to essentially draft you in as Default Parent, yet again.

So I think you need to really ask yourself, who benefits from any of this?

If you think DD would ultimately enjoy being a bridesmaid I'd allow it but then pick her up at a fixed time early evening and bring her home. He can organise everything up until that point. No 5am wakeup for you, she can stay with him beforehand and he can organise travel.

If not then just pull the plug now and put everyone out of their misery.

Haven't rtwt but 💯 this. My dd is 19 and I still regret some of the things she had to go thru wit my ex and his family. Honestly if he cannot provide the emotional support required I would put my foot down and say no she's not doing it. Let him deal with the fall out. Keep her away from him til wedding fever dies down. Honestly she doesn't HAVE to and so what if you are "bad fox" . That's what I would do op

Pennyapplesgalore · 25/04/2024 19:04

She will have a wonderful time when she’s there with her cousins, encourage her to go & if need be stay over in the hotel to support her.

mustardrarebit · 27/04/2024 20:18

Which bits is she anxious about specifically? She doesn't have to be there for hair and makeup, she doesn't have to walk down the aisle or pose for photos. She can just be a guest in a pretty dress. Drive down with you in time for the service. If she wants to do the full circus, then great- go for it! If she doesn't then she needs to know it's all entirely optional and she can pick and choose what she does. Heck, you could sit in your car outside the venue or in a nearby cafe and read a book. Who wants a clearly distressed and tear stained bridesmaid on their big day? Better that she's there and happy, or not there at all. Her feelings are the only ones that matter here. The B&G will be just as married without her and if the ex in-laws are treating her like a trophy grandchild and causing her anxiety, then they are better out of her life. Set firm boundaries and hold them.