AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

[StarDolphins]

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

She's 8 and emotionally distressed. Your duty as a mum is to protect her emotions and stay close to her, not worrying about getting up at 5am and 'your' night out. Grow up.

I'm not sure I've read this properly - is your ex her dad? If so why isn't she staying with him for the weekend instead of a 5am start and being reassured by family?
If she is not close to this family why does she have to be a bridesmaid? Just say no?

She’s only 8, your room is being paid for, is it such a sacrifice to get up at 5am for your daughter’s sake?

She's 8. It's understandable that all of this is a bit overwhelming for her and she's clearly having a lot of anxiety over it. It's not just a little nervousness. She's in tears about it.

You having a room nearby so you can be there for her at such a young age isn't "fixing it." It's just offering her some extra support for a big event a little girl is extremely anxious about. She so young and this us a big deal for her.

Just go with her, take the room and use this time to talk to her and teach her about how to handle anxiety. At 8 she doesn't really have the skills for how to deal with how she's feeling so throwing her into this without any kind of support from you isn't going to help much. Instead you can be there to help her and talk her through everything. Then, as she gets older she'll be better at dealing with this kind of thing. But right now I think she needs help if you can give it to her.

You should go. It’ll be good for her to be a bridesmaid and you can support her. If you tell her soon you’ll be around she can hopefully change her mindset about it and start to get excited.
id be asking my ex for 2 night (the night before too) so I didn’t have to get up at 5 am 😜

UPDATE!

We’re now in an awful stand off. My ex has announced this morn that he’s not getting a hotel for me so I can either get one myself or ‘she can suck it up’ and scream & cry all she wants.

So I gave 2 options, 1) she doesn’t go or 2) I pick her up at 4. He’s said the earliest I can get her is 7. I offered 5.30pm as a compromise but no. If I ‘ruin’ the day he will move back to his home town & ‘drag me up the motorway’ to collect her EOW, he won’t look after my dog while me & my DD go on holiday, he’ll tell everyone what I’ve done & never speak to me again! Because basically I’ve made her soft!

She’s only stayed with him 5 times and that was over 2 years ago. He’s never pushed it, I think he likes the freedom of no sleepovers!

He's hardly going to look like Dad of the year is his DD is left to ‘suck it up’ and scream & cry all she wants.

End of the day. He is her Dad. It is his wedding. You need to let her go and you need to let him deal with her.

She doesn’t want to be a BM or have make up etc & she’s nervous and wants me to be there. My ex won’t let her not be a bridesmaid and apparently it’s upto me to be ‘positive’ about it & encourage her😩

She knows I was going to support her now! I can’t now turn round & say I’m not so I’m backed into a corner of either paying for a hotel (they’ve gone up so much in price now) or driving to collect but I can only pick her up at 7.

@StarDolphins

What an absolute knob.

Tbh my instinct would be that she's going nowhere if that's his attitude - he's put no effort into a relationship with her whatsoever and is just expecting to show her off like some trophy and isn't bothered about the effect on her. Fuck that. He could do his worst quite frankly because I'd be (and have been) done with this bollocks.

Don't know how fair that is on DD though, if she wanted to go then I'd be probably picking her up at 7 and bringing her home, for her and not to pander to him. If she doesn't want to go then all bets off at this point and he could move where he likes quite frankly, I wouldn't be facilitating anything else going forward. It's up to him.

Thank you, she’d choose not to go but then the consequences of this are (without her realising) that she will then have to go and stay with him EOW!

I think that's fair.

Point out, if necessary, that a forcing a reluctant, semi-hysterical young bridesmaid to participate is never going to end well.

DH's young niece was a bridesmaid for her aunt, got very nervous in advance but was persuaded into her elaborate dress, professionally done hair with elaborate flower crown etc, and burst into hysterical tears about two steps up the aisle and ran away back down the church, snotting and roaring, and her mother (bride's sister) missed a chunk of the wedding out in the church porch trying to calm her down. You can hear her wailing in the distance on the wedding video. I don't think she's even in any photos because she had a scarlet, tearstained face and coming down hair, and by then didn't want anything to do with any of it!

She was a bit younger, but still...

Your update is terrible. I'd talk with your daughter and tell her the situation. Ask her if she's okay with a 7pm pick up, or she doesn't go. I'd leave it up to her.

This.

@StarDolphins Let your DD decide and make it clear that you will support her whatever she decides to do.

Just tell him she's not going, his never actually going to move back to your home town and stop relying on him with the dog, just put him in a kennel.

Thank you! I just think he will move which will open a can of worms!

I’ve never left my dog, he’s old & I want him to stay in his home but I won’t be held over a barrel with it, I’ll get a home dog boarder.

I think it's time to take a stand and tell her you've decided she's not going.

It's going to cause problems but at some point, you are going to have to say "no". Otherwise this creature is going to have you over a barrel forever. Keep all emails/texts etc - if he moves away and has to take you to court then quite possible he will have to do the traveling.

You sound like an amazing mum by the way. Very tuned in to what your lovely dd needs.

He really isn't going to move to be spiteful, the stress and logistics is just ridiculous.

If you always bend over backwards for him he will always use or else I will move or whatever else.

Well then, he has made decisions which means she is not able to go. His house move isn’t impacted by this argument, he’s just manipulating the situation to throw it in as opposed to down the line. His choices, his consequences.

@StarDolphins

OK, you do realize that what he's doing amounts to blackmail pure and simple, don't you? So the question isn't so much "Do I pay for a hotel/Do I say DD isn't going" it's "If I give into this now, what will the future hold?".

If I ‘ruin’ the day he will move back to his home town & ‘drag me up the motorway’ to collect her EOW
Who says so? You don't have to drive if you don't want to, if he won't bring her home, then he doesn't get to see her. He moves, transport is on him. And would he really disrupt his entire life, job, whatever, simply out of spite?

he won’t look after my dog while me & my DD go on holiday,
So you make alternate arrangements. And after this stunt, I hope you realize he probably would have backed out of caring for your dog at the last minute anyway.

he’ll tell everyone what I’ve done
Bully for him. Have at it, jerkwad. The people who know and love you will know the truth. That you have 'done' nothing, he has done it himself by refusing to honour the agreement to get a room.

& never speak to me again!
And this will bother you why exactly?

Because basically I’ve made her soft!
Doesn't sound like someone I'd want my child to be unsupervised with anyway.

@StarDolphins - Honestly, your ex is using your worry about your daughter to be nasty to you. He clearly doesn't care a flying fuck about his daughter. Just wants her there to show her off. I hope you have kept any of his threats about moving house etc as evidence of what he is doing to your child in order to get back to you. if not now, you may need to get some kind of legal advice further down the track

So he's now not going to pay for a room for you. Think you'll have to tell your daughter that Daddy won't allow it and either she can go or stay home. You do know that he's not going to let her go at 7pm even although he has grudgingly said you can?

If she goes without your support, she'll either have a good time - or he'll have an awful day and won't want to repeat it. Not good for your daughter obviously, but might help him see that simply demanding she does what he wants is going to cause him a lot of grief?

Would she fuck be going anywhere with this wanker if she was my daughter.

He is full of shit. He won't move.

You can find someone else to help with the dog.

I'm so fucking angry on your behalf.

Yeesh! If that's his attitude then I'd be pulling a sicky on her behalf. Doesn't matter if she tells them. Nobody should make a child sick with anxiety.