AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

[StarDolphins]

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

She's 8. She's your daughter. She's worried and anxious.

Pull up your big girl pants and sort out your priorities.

Yes of course you should be there, it will help her be stronger in the future. I cannot believe you are asking and contemplating a night out in priority to yiur daughter.

You're a brilliant mum. I was a single parent with my eldest until she was 6 and I think you've navigated a tricky situation beautifully with your daughter's needs as your priority. She's a lucky wee girl.

I think you need to read all of the OP's posts, because that's very harsh.

I was this child although in the late 1960s/70s so no one really understood. The opposite of what you’re worried about happened. I was made to do stuff, so anxious I’d be sick before and could never rely on support. The result of this was anxiety that went far into my adulthood. I am in my 60s now and I don’t do stuff that makes me anxious. Still have that feeling that if something goes wrong or I don’t feel well no one will help.
I have one adult child who was very similar and accompanied him to parties often as the only parent there. You will not teach her resilience by not being there for support

There’s always one that comes on all confused after reading just the opening post & not the other 9 pages🤣

I’m sure I covered this at around 10.03am but thanks!

Thank you that’s lovely of you!

Thank you, very interesting. I’ve definitely taken all these examples of it not working on board.

Surely, the whole point of being a bridesmaid is to enjoy the day and not just be a pretty, little girl in the photos? If your daughter doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, then why is she being made to be one? Because the dress is bought? That is just ridiculous. She doesn't want to do it, so make sure she doesn't!

I think that either she doesn't go or you will have to go too. Im not usually in favour of encouraging kids to opt out of things but I think in this case she shouldnt be forced to go when she doesnt know many people and is dreading it

Yes of course you have to be there she is only 8. Your night out can wait and you should be calming your daughter and telling her it will be a lovely day. Shocked that you would not be there for her.

They’ve booked a hotel room? What are you shocked about?

I would not make her do the wedding.
If she did decide to do it, I would get a room, and tell her she can change her mind at any time.
She is a person, not a doll.

Just to add a random point - one other thing I would make VERY clear to your ex (and any other adults there who might be able to take some responsibility for it) is to make sure she gets decently fed and watered (and ideally also chances to go to the loo or have a 5 minute breather when needed) at suitable times throughout the day.

My experience of weddings is that the timings are often odd and there can be big gaps between meals etc, and all the more so when they are leaving so early and when she is part of the "wedding party". It sounds as though she might be treated as a bit of an inanimate photo prop and pushed from hair and makeup to ceremony to loads of photos etc etc, possibly without much chance to eat and drink, while she is too young and lacking confidence to be able to advocate for herself! I actually remember at my own wedding having to put my foot down very firmly at one point during the photos and insist someone went and grabbed me some of the canapes that were going round NOW, cos I was absolutely starving and was missing them all😂 You might want to send her with some breakfast and a few snacks/bottle of water if she will have a bag or anywhere to put them, too?

Thank you, this is great advice & it’s on my list! She can & does get her own snacks at home and certainly tells me when she’s hungry. I will make sure she has lots of snacks (& books etc) and that her Dad is making sure too.

She did say in her opening statement that would she be unreasonable not to get a room. Just to even think that is shocking.

I honestly don’t know why you’re shocked? I’ve covered this so many times on this thread. I’m shocked you’ve not read past the start of page 1.

This.

I said Iwas 50/50 and that’s why I started this thread. I have gone on multiple times to explain this.

It’s really not that shocking to ask the question I have asked?! You’re very easily shocked.

why is she being forced to be a bridesmaid when she doesn't want to, to the extent that she's 'in a constant state of dread and tears' as you said and 'crying most days'??? this is abuse.

Sorry @warandpieces i missed your excellent advice! Very true & I have done just that tonight. She knows I’m going to be close, she knows my number, she knows if it gets too much she can ring, she knows I will pick her up & she knows no matter what that I will be there waiting for her! She even said she t can be confident now I’ll be there!

Followed it up with ‘ask if you can come to the wedding too’🤣 but at least she’s much more relaxed now.

This!

Did you bother reading the updates with it being 9 pages in?

The bride should not be wanting to cause the child distress and the dress is just a dress - your daughter's feelings are more important.

Your child is 8 , she is anxious, off course you need to support her