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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

347 replies

StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 12:53

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

OP posts:
FuckTheClubUp · 23/04/2024 00:02

50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there

She’s 8, not 18. She should think of you as the person to fix things for her!

Original poster
StarDolphins · 23/04/2024 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’m glad you read the whole thread🤣

OP posts:
KindaBinding81 · 23/04/2024 00:05

AntiHop · 22/04/2024 12:57

Has your daughter said it would be helpful for you to travel with her and be in the nearby hotel? If so, do it without hesitation to alleviate her distress. She's only 8.

Absolutely this!

Banana1979 · 23/04/2024 00:33

It’s the fear of the unknown, her dad is going to be there clearly handholding her , he should be able to parent without you, and it will be a good opportunity for her to meet family so when family events come up in future, and they will-she won’t be so nervous and apprehensive

Blueocean18 · 23/04/2024 00:51

I would contact your EX's sister and explain the whole situation. I wouldn't put my daughter through this just so someone could have a little girl in the wedding party & photos. The child is distressed that should be enough to realise it's not for her, especially without her mother there.

KomodoOhno · 23/04/2024 00:55

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 22/04/2024 12:57

She's 8 years old. She's more important than your night out.

Absolutely. 8 is still little.

YaMuvva · 23/04/2024 01:02

There’s no way anyone would be going anywhere near my 8yo DD with make up!

Crying every day is a bit of an extreme reaction, your DD must be worried sick.

I’d go OP stay nearby and I bet you my bottom dollar that she WILL have a great day and won’t even need you

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 23/04/2024 01:05

Well you were the one who mentioned about your night out so only going by what you originally were planning on doing, it should not even be a thought in your head or having to ask strangers on the internet whether you should be there for your daughter or not. Hope she has a good day.

PoopingAllTheWay · 23/04/2024 01:19

NEITHER - YOU TELL HER SHE DOESNT NEED TO BE BRIDESMAID !

Aswellisnotoneword · 23/04/2024 01:31

StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 21:00

Thank you! It’s so tricky isn’t it! Half the time, I haven’t got a clue whether it’s right or wrong!

This is very true & what my dilemma was…
That tension between wanting to support them vs not wanting to make things worse in the long run.

He usually has her until 7pm at my insistence as it’s the only night I get to have my tea in silence without feeling like my head is going to combust!🤣

I think if I stay in a hotel nearby, I will say I will pick her up at 7 & if I drive, I will want to pick her up at 4 as it’s a long drive home.

Show quote history

They're not going to let you pick her up at 4, or 7.

They've trampled all over both of your wishes to get things exactly how they want them so far. You really think they're going to let her go at 4? You'd have to barge into the wedding and make an awful scene to get her out, and they'll heap an enormous guilt trip on your DD about missing out and letting them down.

I'll put good money on the fact that you'll be sitting in the car waiting for her until 9 at least.

anon4net · 23/04/2024 03:53

With all do respect @StarDolphins she is 8! That is very young and it's a big day with many expectations on her. I wouldn't dream of declining the offer to go too and be there for her. She's letting you know quite loudly, it's too much for her to do without you...don't turn a blind eye to that.

Hope it goes well for her.

Tibssix · 23/04/2024 04:36

StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:11

i suggested this on my DD’s behalf but was swiftly told no one can upset the bride & the dresses have been bought & everything arranged.

Show quote history

Your ex needs to pay for the dress and you need to tell the bride your child's mental health and well being is far more important.

Ubugly · 23/04/2024 06:38

This is insane. No wonder she doesn't want to go with some literal bloke she spends one day a week with. That needs to change. Proper commitment and weekend stays etc.

Also no I wouldn't be getting a hotel room, I would just say to her if she doesn't want to go she came stay home.

My DS made friends at a wedding and I barely saw him all evening and he was young so she may do the same but her dad needs to stop being an utter wet blanket and look after her.

Daz57 · 23/04/2024 06:59

PoopingAllTheWay · 23/04/2024 01:19

NEITHER - YOU TELL HER SHE DOESNT NEED TO BE BRIDESMAID !

No need to shout.

Lyraloo · 23/04/2024 08:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 23/04/2024 10:37

@Lyraloo Don’t be so ridiculous & dramatic! The clue is in the laughing face (it was meant to be lighthearted, I’m sorry you didn’t get that!) & yes I stick to it, I have 9 hours off a week so I enjoy a silent tea so this is why I insist to her other (equal) other parent that he has her ‘til.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 23/04/2024 15:17

Thank you & I absolutely will. I don’t care if she’s in their life or not but at this stage, she does.

That's because she doesn't know how toxic and abusive they are. You do. You are being bullied by your ex and his family and you are submitting to it. You really should protect your dd from them.

You are no role model at the moment, sorry to say. You should have been able to say to them from the start that she doesn't want to go. Instead, you have involved her in a huge drama with both of you coming under pressure to the point that she thinks she might be able to cope. She shouldn't have to cope!

You need to learn to be assertive and then help to teach that to your dd through your words and actions. I worry that she will grow up like you and have to suffer toxic relationships because she doesn't know how to stand up for herself.

Kentucky83 · 23/04/2024 17:52

Is your relationship with ex (I'm assuming he's DD's Dad) that bad that, upon hearing your daughter is stressed, the family haven't thought to just invite you to the wedding? Have you asked? If that was my DD, a d she's nearly 8 herself, I'd be absolutely asking to go, a) to support her and b) because I'd want to see her hopefully enjoy an important event. Is you being at the wedding completely out of the question?

catonmyback · 23/04/2024 18:08

She should have been doing some more regular visits to her Dad in preparation

Perhaps she can start doing overnights with him once a week to get used to him being her parent 🙈

celticprincess · 23/04/2024 18:34

So reading between the lines your ex wants you there as the baby sitter so he can get merry and not have to deal with an over tired 8 year old who is missing her mother??

it’s hard to know what to do for the best. My kids had to start going places with their dad at a young age after we split and had to spend time 3 hours away staying with grand parents on his side. Youngest was always a bit clingy and teary but always had a great time. It was me who couldn’t cope when they went to Spain for a week with him and his family age 7&10.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 23/04/2024 18:34

Sounds like you're more peed off about missing your night out than being there to support your daughter

OldPerson · 23/04/2024 18:35

You can lead it in any direction you want - but make up your mind.

I imagine if you're not invited to the wedding and don't want to get up at 5am, you're probably not going to be the most positive influence on the day.

Once you're out the picture, DD will probably cling to dad for support. And will probably have a lovely day.

But in order for children to grow into confident and capable, well-balanced young adults, the trick is giving them new challenges that they feel able to deal with.

So it probably depends on whether DD has a good relationship with dad.

SharonEllis · 23/04/2024 18:43

She's 8. She's supposed to depend on you . It's by building a foundation of trust that she'll develop into a balanced independent adult.

1974devon · 23/04/2024 18:50

Does she have to go? Surely if this stressed about it and it being so far away people would totally understand if she couldn't do it.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 23/04/2024 18:52

WallaceinAnderland · 23/04/2024 15:17

Thank you & I absolutely will. I don’t care if she’s in their life or not but at this stage, she does.

That's because she doesn't know how toxic and abusive they are. You do. You are being bullied by your ex and his family and you are submitting to it. You really should protect your dd from them.

You are no role model at the moment, sorry to say. You should have been able to say to them from the start that she doesn't want to go. Instead, you have involved her in a huge drama with both of you coming under pressure to the point that she thinks she might be able to cope. She shouldn't have to cope!

You need to learn to be assertive and then help to teach that to your dd through your words and actions. I worry that she will grow up like you and have to suffer toxic relationships because she doesn't know how to stand up for herself.

I absolutely do know how to stand up for myself! This is why I don’t have them in my life. Currently, my DD really wants what her friends have (a fun aunt/grandparents etc) even if she yet doesn’t realise their faults. She will, there’s glimmers she does now but as she’s so little, any family is better than none. They’re very. I’ve to her (albeit in a trophy/showy way).

From the start she wanted to go, was excited etc otherwise I would’ve said no. This has come about as it’s got very close & the recent pressure. She wants to go as long as I am close by.

OP posts: