AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

[StarDolphins]

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

Thank you & she has a good surface relationship with him but no one where her emotional needs are met unfortunately.

I think knowing I’m close will help, she even said this last night & currently all is good & positive.

If this changes again then I will have to cancel. Which will also upset her but for different reason.

@StarDolphins she's with her dad not a bunch of strangers. It will be good for her to meet her cousins. I didn't see my cousins for months at a time, slotted right back into play mode.
Perhaps some face time with her cousins a few times prior to the wedding would help.

They live in a different area & she’s never met cousins & is unlikely to go to many family gatherings unfortunately. She knows she has to be polite & answer when spoken to but nothing else is expected from her. If she wants to play, great but ok if not.

Edited to say, most of them are strangers to her, she knows only 5 people. Her Dad is different with dofferent people & my DD notices this so it won’t be the Dad she knows when it’s just the 2 of them at his on a Saturday!

Why is it so important that she a bridesmaid at this wedding when she otherwise spends zero time with the family? That makes no sense.

I haven't rtft, just your responses so apologies if this has been said before. You are a fab mum and I just wanted to clarify.. you were concerned that by 'fixing' this you'd be creating dependency.. actually the opposite is true. 'Fixing this' would look like pulling her from the event to reduce her anxiety- she'd learn that it was truly sthg to be anxious about and that she needs rescued. However what you're doing is offering support for her to attend, naturally reducing her anxiety and developing her resilience as she will learn she has back up and can face even things that make her feel anxious.
Long term this is the right approach.

Constant phone contact might be unrealistic so don't promise it, but remind her you will only be 5min away and looking forward to hearing from her after the service / before meal etc.. that way she can focus to 'get through' the uncomfortable bits (that she might end up enjoying) and look forward to chatting to you about it. If you tell her she can ring you at any stage (youd mentioned unlimited phone access), she is likely to depend on this as a coping strategy rather than develop her resilience.

In terms of prep, lots of focus on the excitement of hotel stay etc and less focus on what she 'doesn't have to do' as she will find her way on the day knowing that you are close by if she needs you. She probably won't, but is less likely to, just because you are close..having the option means she might never need to choose it. Then you focus on hotel room bliss on your own and prepare yourself not to be needed (and try not to be pissed off if she doesn't ring!). Hope it goes well. X

any family is better than none

That's not true though is it OP. No family is better than toxic family. You're not showing protective instincts here.

She does see her grandparents & Aunt (approx5 times a year each) but no one else.

To HER at this age yes it very much is. I have zero family. She is very much at the stage of wanting the same as her friends. Her aunt comes & takes her bowling & has a spa night & sleepover. Those are the things she values at 8 - not all the things adults require for good relationships.

I am certain in the future she will see it all as I do but right now, her Aunt is cool
& fun, just like her friends Aunt.

But you said fun Aunt would turn on her and want nothing to do with her if she doesn't go to the wedding.

How is this a positive relationship to encourage?

Plus you’ve snipped that bit out of context. I have consistently said throughout this thread that ‘any family is better than none’ TO HER her, at her age.

I have not said at any stage that this is my belief, unless you can point me to where I said I thought this? Then, of course, I will stand corrected.

No I did not! Where did I say her Aunt or ALL of them?! HerAunt hasn’t been the one putting pressure on her, it’s her Dad & his Mum! Grandad hasn’t either. Neither has uncle.

Glad to read all your updates. I was asked to be a bridesmaid at around this age. It was accepted as that was seen as a privilege (it is a nice gesture) and initially I felt a bit excited-people saying about the dress and how exciting. As it got closer I began to dread being in front of all the people, being looked at & I felt a lot of apprehension. Having someone who understands this and recognises the feelings, rather than saying how exciting it will be is so important. Some people would thrive on this, others….don’t. And that’s okay. Saying it will be the best day of her life is probably trying to make her feel happy about it, but in a really misguided way. It’s a day for the bride & groom, those who love a wedding & dressing up, and then for everyone else to grit their teeth & make an effort for their sake. For your daughter as you have already done, it’s about saying it’s okay to feel like she does-you are there to support her & to let you know what she would like that will help. You can have something that she considers fun for after. It’s a challenging age as you start to find a little independence but still really need your parent/s.

You said it here:

"My DD really likes her Aunt (only sees her about 5 times a year but still) and she is the only one that isn’t telling her how she should feel about the day. If I pulled it (which I know I might have to if my solution doesn’t work for my DD) they will all massively fall out with me & my DD."

Then she will have no GP’s/Aunts etc and since I don’t have any family, I’m trying to avoid this if poss.

I'm just going on your own posts OP and what you have told us. This is not healthy for your daughter. You are setting her up for a massive head fuck in the future if she doesn't agree to go along with whatever they want.

Where did say her Aunt would want nothing to do with her?

How come she doesn't know the rest of them? Is there a backstory?

I do keep saying the same thing to you, she would be even more upset if she didn’t have her Aunt at this point in her life & basically you’re saying I’m not protecting her because of this.

They live an hour & a half away & her grandparents & Aunt aren’t close to the rest of them really so not usually anything where they all are.

Sorry, should’ve made it clear. Her Aunt doesn’t currently have children. The cousins I talk about are her cousins children.

If you'd said they live seven hours away then I'd buy that, but an hour and a half is nothing.

I think it's bloody weird that your 8 year old daughter has cousins she's never met before without there having been some kind of family rift.

They're close enough to be invited to this wedding but not close enough for your daughter to have ever met them?

Is it at all possible that, having got to the age where she understands what cousins are, and that most of her friends actually have some sort of a relationship with their cousins, she feels like she's been kept on her periphery of her dad's family and denied that sort of extended family relationship that she knows other children have? That she's been secretly wondering what all the cousins and other family she's never met are like? That she's been building it up in her head and now she's terrified that she'll make a fool of herself while everyone is watching, or that she'll finally meet them and they won't like her?

Because that would explain the anxiety a little better.

She’s 8 - go with her. Show her you are there when she needs you. This will help both of you now (apart from the night out but this is bigger) ad no doubt you will be anxious and feel guilty if you don’t go.

In the long term you’ll create a more confident adult through meeting her emotional needs now and she will be more likely to confide what may become otherwise serious problems when she’s a teenager.

If anyone is being unreasonable here it’s the B&G - saying she is going to be a bridesmaid and pressuring her. Is your ex aware of how stressed their child is? It’s about the B&G‘s wedding, not your daughter having the best day. Best days are looked forward to or just happen. In your place I suspect I’d say she’s not going to be bridesmaid and that you will attend with her since she doesn’t know many - surely the B&G will be too busy and that leaves 3. Or maybe she’d be happy to attend as just a guest without pressure?

Adk you’re daughter if she’d be happy to go if not a bridesmaid and go from there.

Thank you, how you felt is EXACTLY how it’s panned out for my DD. I’ve told her only the B&G will feel like it’s the best day of her life etc & we’ve talked about what she thinks will be the best day of her life.

She said she feels much better me being close by but if she gets upset again, we’ll talk about it.

Thanks for this, makes sense. Thankfully, she’s very open with me & tells me how she feels and fingers crossed it continues.

He should be aware as I’ve told him multiple times over the last 2 weeks. I’ve asked him to book a taxi so she knows what time they’ll be leaving and I’ve told him that nothing bat manners is to be expected of her. I also rang him twice to tell him to stop telling her it will be the best day. Then I rang him to ask his mum not to ring her every Sat & say ‘are you so excited about the wedding’. He agreed to it all but he definitely thinks I ‘Molly coddle’ her. His mum & step dad think this too.

It all seems to come out at night when she’s tired & not distracted.

Where did say her Aunt would want nothing to do with her?

Here:

"Then she will have no GP’s/Aunts etc and since I don’t have any family, I’m trying to avoid this if poss."

The last time my ex saw these cousins was over 2 years ago. They just all don’t seem to see each other. They’re all quite highly strung so maybe t you’re right & there is a rift.

She doesn’t seem interested in these cousins, just her Aunt really but imo not with any depth. She’s just fun, wears lots of make up, crop tops etc. completely the opposite of me! This will change as she grows of course & will look at things differently & what people offer.

She has a cousin (my nieces son) who she saw quite regularly until last nov but sadly my niece died suddenly so this will now become infrequent as he’s moved away to his Dads.

I have lots of friends so she does mix with other kids lots, she just shows no interest in these cousins she’s expected to play with!

Also, sorry I might not have said this but I think there’s only 2 cousins, a younger boy (who I don’t think is invited so you might be actually right about a rift!) and a girl the same age as my DD. Her Aunt sees this girl only as much as she sees my DD and they’re both bridesmaids!