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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

347 replies

StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 12:53

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

OP posts:
readingmakesmehappy · 22/04/2024 12:55

Where is your ex in this? It's a wedding on his side of the family, he should be handholding.

Mama_bear · 22/04/2024 12:55

Yes, you should get the room. She's 8.

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/04/2024 12:56

She’s 8 years old. I don’t think that you travelling and staying to offer her some support and help with her confidence at age 8 is going to lead to an entire lifetime of dependence on you, most 8-year-olds doing something big in unfamiliar surroundings need parental support, and her dad is going to be preoccupied with the wedding.

Otherwise, if it’s really causing her this much anxiety and worry, she needs to tell her aunt (again, with your support) that she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 22/04/2024 12:57

She's 8 years old. She's more important than your night out.

AntiHop · 22/04/2024 12:57

Has your daughter said it would be helpful for you to travel with her and be in the nearby hotel? If so, do it without hesitation to alleviate her distress. She's only 8.

Spinet · 22/04/2024 12:58

The emotional support you offer her now will internalise as self-support. She's only 8. It's a pain in the arse but I think you really need to do this for her.

Onepercentclub · 22/04/2024 12:59

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding

This is the first red flag. Bridesmaids should be asked, not told.

There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

Second red flag. It should be the bride and groom’s best day of their life. Not anyone else’s. Especially a child’s. I was a flower girl/bridesmaid when I was around 8/9. All I can remember is being bored.

If I were you, and this whole thing was causing my child so much distress I’d contact the bride and say “sorry but she’s not coming”. Seems incredibly unfair on your DD.

Revelatio · 22/04/2024 13:01

Am I missing something? Surely your daughter will be with her dad, grandparents, auntie etc? Can her father not look after her there?

warandpieces · 22/04/2024 13:01

Ah OP, she's only 8...she's a little girl and that can be a massively overwhelming thing for her. The best thing you can do is take her, leave her for the day and reassure her you're just a few minutes away if it all gets too much. Once she gets there, she might well have a total blast!

You're actually teaching her independence but leaving the training wheels on by being nearby.

Geepee71 · 22/04/2024 13:01

So she gets to be bridesmaid for the day/photo's, then ex drops her to you after so you get to be parent/babysitter on the guise if it being in her interest you being in a room nearby?

TipsyKoala · 22/04/2024 13:02

Won’t he dad be there to support her? Where is he in all this other than offering to get you a room? If she really doesn’t want to go I wouldn’t make her.

BroughttoyoubyBerocca · 22/04/2024 13:04

Book the room. Have a fab time chilling in hotel, room service etc, is there a Spa?

Knittedfairies2 · 22/04/2024 13:05

Don't make her be a bridesmaid if she isn't keen to do it, and if she's crying every day a month from the wedding she really doesn't want to go. Nobody should be telling her that's she's being a bridesmaid; she should have been invited to do it.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 22/04/2024 13:05

Oh just cancel. I’d never have forced my ds to do something like this if he didn’t want to, and was distressed and crying over, it’s torture for some people, never mind a little 8 yr old. Being a bridesmaid isn’t necessarily the massive treat it’s made out to be.

Farahfawsett · 22/04/2024 13:06

Eh? She'll be with her Dad, so she will have a parent staying with her at all times.

Surely you just need to say to your Ex; "DD is really anxious about the wedding, make sure you stick with her and be aware that you may need to leave the wedding and go back to your hotel room if she becomes uncomfortable."

That would be unfortunate for him obviously if that were the case, but a decent father would know his child's limitations and would be prepared for such a situation if his child is being asked to do something outside of their comfort zone.

If a father can't look after his daughter what the fuck is he good for??

BoohooWoohoo · 22/04/2024 13:06

She’s 8- I don’t think that you are storing future problems at all. It’s not like she’s 18 and off to uni in the autumn so should be able to make chit chat with new people. Saying that, dad should be supporting her during the day.

Have you considered pulling her out ? If it’s a showy wedding, bride and groom might prefer a nervous/sad flower girl not to be in photos etc is she close to ex’s sister anyway ?

UneTasse · 22/04/2024 13:07

God almighty - your ex sounds like an enormous drip. Why is he allowing these weekly calls? Is it when she is with him or is the bride calling you? Stop the calls for a start. Do you have 50/50 with him? Why is he not managing his lunatic sister who has reduced your daughter to daily tears and anxiety over this? At this stage I would tell your ex that if anyone in his family brings up this bloody wedding again and winds her up with absolute falsehoods about “the best day of her life” (wft?) she will not be going.

She’ll be absolutely grand on the day (especially if she can go home to Mum - sorry) but everyone has to stop turning it into an enormous deal to her in the meantime.

My dd’s were bridesmaids for a family member they barely know and were quite bemused by the zoom calls with relatives asking them if they were incredibly excited about it MONTHS before the (quite modest!) wedding.

Josette77 · 22/04/2024 13:08

Stop the weekly calls! No wonder she is panicking.

She'll likely be fine with her dad but all the reminders is going to be anxiety producing.

Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:09

readingmakesmehappy · 22/04/2024 12:55

Where is your ex in this? It's a wedding on his side of the family, he should be handholding.

Only me handholding.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:11

ComtesseDeSpair · 22/04/2024 12:56

She’s 8 years old. I don’t think that you travelling and staying to offer her some support and help with her confidence at age 8 is going to lead to an entire lifetime of dependence on you, most 8-year-olds doing something big in unfamiliar surroundings need parental support, and her dad is going to be preoccupied with the wedding.

Otherwise, if it’s really causing her this much anxiety and worry, she needs to tell her aunt (again, with your support) that she doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid.

Edited

i suggested this on my DD’s behalf but was swiftly told no one can upset the bride & the dresses have been bought & everything arranged.

OP posts:
Spinet · 22/04/2024 13:11

I mean yeah I assumed you had reasons for not cancelling - if you can, just do it. No 8 year old needs to be in a constant state of dread and tears about anything!

Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:12

Josette77 · 22/04/2024 13:08

Stop the weekly calls! No wonder she is panicking.

She'll likely be fine with her dad but all the reminders is going to be anxiety producing.

I rang him yesterday & said absolutely no more from your family when she’s with you.

OP posts:
Original poster
StarDolphins · 22/04/2024 13:14

UneTasse · 22/04/2024 13:07

God almighty - your ex sounds like an enormous drip. Why is he allowing these weekly calls? Is it when she is with him or is the bride calling you? Stop the calls for a start. Do you have 50/50 with him? Why is he not managing his lunatic sister who has reduced your daughter to daily tears and anxiety over this? At this stage I would tell your ex that if anyone in his family brings up this bloody wedding again and winds her up with absolute falsehoods about “the best day of her life” (wft?) she will not be going.

She’ll be absolutely grand on the day (especially if she can go home to Mum - sorry) but everyone has to stop turning it into an enormous deal to her in the meantime.

My dd’s were bridesmaids for a family member they barely know and were quite bemused by the zoom calls with relatives asking them if they were incredibly excited about it MONTHS before the (quite modest!) wedding.

No. I have her 95% - she goes there just for the day on a weekend.

I told him to stop with the pressure months ago & rang him yesterday to tell him no more calls while my DD is there😩

OP posts:
LittleLegsKeepGoing · 22/04/2024 13:14

I voted YABU because you haven't intervened and told your daughter she doesn't have to be a bridesmaid - or even attend the wedding!

She's clearly distressed by the whole thing and her dad doesn't seem interested in making it better besides paying for a room...so you can babysit your own daughter when she inevitably gets too distressed to stay but I bet not until she's been forced to pose for photos

If needs be, offer to pay for the bridesmaid dress but I'd be backing my daughter up fully and making it clear whether she attends is entirely up to her and you'll support her either way.

For what it's worth, I caused ructions with my in-laws because they wanted to treat my youngest as a 'doll' by having her as a bridesmaid. She really wasn't comfortable with the dress or being centre of attention so I politely declined on her behalf, which she wanted me to do. They think I'm evil, I don't care - my daughter is more important than them.

AnxiousRabbit · 22/04/2024 13:16

Agree with PP...whoever is making the excited calls needs to back off. They probably think they are helping but they aren't so they need to be told.
She isn't going to be the centre of attention and I am sure sge will have a good time. Could she meet other cousins/bridesmaids first?

If you weren't doing anything I would say get the room. If she has a great time and decides to stay at wedding brilliant, if she wants to come back to you she can.
But if you are busy, and you think she will be fine on the day, can get the excitement dialled down, and she is comfortable with ger dad I would let him deal with it.

Reassure her....she is just going to a wedding with her Dad. She has been bought a dress...that's it. Everyone will be having pictures taken and she doesn't have to be in any pictures she doesn't Want to be. She doesn't have to have make up (they won't do much on an 8yr old). Her hair will look pretty and the hairdressers are pros so will be super quick.
She can have hers done first and go back to dad, or last.

At the end of the day she could just go to the wedding without being a bridesmaid.