AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

[StarDolphins]

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

Honestly, I'd pretend she was up all night vomiting with diarrhoea.

@StarDolphins Ok, I didn’t realise.
So you take his room. He gets himself another one!!

Your DD comes first

Or he sleeps on the floor!!

Cancel….100% no benefit to your DD or you and the whole thing sounds like a complete nightmare. They’ll get over it. Your DD’s happiness is worth more. Let her know it’s ok to say no to something that makes her feel bad just to please someone else. She’s not a bloody performing seal for the grandparents.

Sorry if this has been covered, but why on God's earth has she been TOLD she's a bridesmaid? What about ASKING her if she'd like to be one?

This is all way too much angst for a shy 8-yr old and she absolutely should be allowed to refuse the role. Sounds like it would resolve a lot of issues if she did.

Is the ex covering your costs?

I voted YABU but not because of the room issue. Your DD doesn't want to do this. IMO you should be telling the bride it won't be happening.

This tbh!

But otherwise, get the room. She's 8.

@StarDolphins

I'm trying to figure the driving, sorry. Is your Ex driving her in the morning then you drive and pick her up that evening or is it expected that YOU will drive her in the morning, drive home, then drive back to pick her up then drive back home? Because I'd say bollocks to two round trips and I'd say she wasn't coming at all if they expected that from me. If Ex can't find you a room (so what if it's hundreds, if he wants you there to support DD then he/his family can just suck it up and pay), then he either needs to let you wait in his room where you can watch telly or whatever until time to drive home or he needs to at least do one round trip himself. And yes, the PM pick up time is to be determined by YOU.

I hope your convo w/DD goes well and she is able to say 'no' if that's how she really feels. All you can do is encourage her to put her feelings first and tell her that you'll take all the blame for it if she wants to back out.

And bollocks to the dresses. If they'd ASKED YOU first, this probably never would have happened.

Collect her at 7pm and drive to a hotel an hour away as a compromise, there will be a hotel somewhere between you and 3 hours away. 4pm is too early if she does enjoy it like you think she will.

I agree. She seems to be dreading it so I wouldn't make her do it.
If she goes, surely it's her dad's responsibility to look after. It's his sister's wedding not yours.

This. You don't need to support your ex should do it.

Also I don't think she should be forced to bd a bridesmaid if she doesn't want to. It was a nice offer but I'd pull her out of that. There must be another little girl desperate for the role if there's a dress and a slot going begging.

These two things rang alarm bells with me too.
That aside, firstly you need to take up your ex's offer to get you a room so you can be there to support your daughter.
Secondly, you need to tell whoever it is who is putting all this pressure of the perfect day etc with the phone calls to stop it. Or see if your ex will, if it's his sister or parents doing it.
I hope she enjoys the day as much as she can do.

But then she won’t get invited to do occasional stuff with her Auntie/GP’s & despite this current shitshow, she does like doing these things. She likes having having them🥲 I don’t mind being snubbed but I do t want my DD to be😩

Is there some where within an hours radius of less that could be rented to save driving and hissy fit? Air bnb or similar? I’d also suggest talking to the venue reception and asking that she be allowed to phone you if she needed - unorthodox but understandable

Her dad should be managing this. She’s only 8 and clearly doesn’t want to be bridesmaid so he needs to get her off the hook and make the day about him and her having a lovely time together NOT her being some bit part in a play for strangers. Shes anxious about the bridesmaiding when she knows nobody. Fix that!!!

I absolutely will ensure she has the means to call me.

He’s found a hotel at £130 so I just have to pay £30. She said she’s happy now that she will be coming back with me to a hotel.

I have told them both that I need to be told all about everything in future, it has to be an invite rather than an order & then I can chat with her before she accepts.

Why are you paying £30?

He's massively taking the piss.

He should be paying all your expenses including petrol. You're already giving your time for free to facilitate this circus.

My main concern is that leaving at 5am makes it far too long a day for everyone, but particularly for your DD. She's already feeling anxious and being dragged out of bed at the crack of dawn, then hours in the car, followed by being pulled around by a hairdresser in a room full of people she doesn't really know, then a long day and a late night will not help matters. Her dad really should be taking her up the night before.

I think if it were me, I'd tell the ex that I'd go with her, but that he needs to go up the night before, or you'll be needing a room for two nights. It might be a bit of a pain for you, but it will make things so much easier for her and she may end up having a really lovely time if she can feel more confident about the whole thing.

What a pain in the arse he is.
I'm glad he's an ex OP and you don't have to put up with that all the time.

He should be dealing with all of this and parenting his child and supporting her.
OR he should accept that it's not possible for whatever reason because he's a chocolate fireguard and accept what you are saying about a pick up time and your plan for dealing with the situation.
There's no need for her to be staying there until 9pm.

You talk about getting a bollocking. So what, tough. I know it's not pleasant but anyone giving you a bollocking can get to fuck. They don't have to deal with a child who has been anxious for months on end about a stupid wedding.

TBH, if my child had family whose relationship with them was so conditional upon the child meeting their 'expectations' in order to stay in their good graces, I don't know that I'd want my child to be all that close to them. It smacks of emotional manipulation.

I'd keep an eye on this as she grows older and be ready to step in if you see that it's affecting her well being.

Oh come on, as if the DD is going to feel comforted by her dad who she sees 5 percent of the time🙄.

Why are you allowing something that’s making your daughter so upset?

No he would drive her but I would drive later but it’s 3 hours so I wouldn’t want to pick her up late.

I know, I told her & him a bridesmaid is an invite thing. I’m pissed off that I wasn’t asked so I could’ve then asked her & she would e been honest with me. Instead, he’s told her what she’s doing & she’s pretended to be happy. I asked why she didn’t tell him no & she said ‘I thought I would get shouted at’ so I’ve told her to refer him to me in future.

I saw my grandparents once a week & because I felt listened to & supported, I felt able to talk about my feelings & what I did/didn’t want.

This is less about the minimal time & more about him being receptive to her having her own thoughts/feelings. He just doesn’t seem on that level and even seeing her every day wouldn’t change that.

Why are you paying £30? Plus petrol to drive 3 hours there and back! That’s over a tank for my car!

He’s her father, how the hell is he so fucking incompetent that he can’t deal with his own child for a weekend? Useless arsehole.

I can imagine this going horribly wrong and she (accidentally) ruins the experience for herself through no fault of her own. Was she offered the option of just not going?

Thank you & I absolutely will. I don’t care if she’s in their life or not but at this stage, she does.