AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

[StarDolphins]

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

Sorry I’ve spoken to him & we’d be setting off at 6am as she needs to be there at 9am for hair & make-up🙄

The hotel won’t put another bed in so unless I can find a hotel then he said it’s back to original plan.

Or I could insist I drive to collect her but I would have to insist it’s an earlier pickup as we’d have to drive 3hrs home.

What a drip your ex is.

Personally I'd tell him that you and DD will be sharing the room and he can find someone else's floor to sleep on.

Not normally. Maybe things that involve me not being nearby but then that’s an issue caused by me always being there I guess. Shes not done enough without me.

She’ll happily have a sleepover at friends or leave me to play/bike with her friends at the park & she plays out with her friend on our cul de sac on her own. She’s been in dance plays at a big opera house & no
issues there & is confident with it.

She gets worried about me not being there to support her though I would say.

So if you say you'll go along and stay in a nearby hotel room, do you think she'll be fine or will she still be getting herself into a state about it?

I agree with this & it’s exactly my feeling. He wont meet her emotional needs though & so we’re back to square 1!

She said she will be fine with this if I’m near. I think she will be fine but if she’s not then she’ll remember I wasn’t there for her😩

It’s looking likely I will have to drive to get her, he won’t ask anyone to share rooms.

I thought he had offered to get you a room?

When is the wedding op? Can't you just agree for now and then when it comes to it your daughter has an awful gastro bug so cannot make it ? Just seems like such an awful thing to put 8 year old through and you just to please his family who hardly see her. And if you say she's ill they can't really argue with that, nothing anyone can do.

He has but there’s none at that hotel & all the others are hundreds.

@StarDolphins

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

Just make sure he books it and pays the full cost of the room for you and your daughter.

• He should also email you the booking confirmation with contact details, method of payment, checking/checkout times etc.
• Once you've got the booking confirmation YOU contact the hotel the night before to check the booking is still valid (not cancelled) and that the room charge itself been paid in full. 🌹

Well then I think I would say that either he books you whatever is available or your daughter won't be going.

Honestly OP, take a step back - why are you wiping out your entire weekend and spending an incredible amount of headspace on this, to compensate for his terrible parenting? When your DD doesn't even want to do it?

Only you can judge best whether she'll enjoy it once she's there, but either way to me it's complete madness for you to travel with them at 6am, sit in a hotel all day "on call" in case she wants you, and then stay overnight on a bed in his room (did I read that right?) because he's too shit of a dad to properly look after his own daughter??

Either she doesn't do it, or she goes with her dad per plan (maybe once everyone has backed off with winding her up about it, that will seem doable), or if you need to support her because he can't/won't parent her, then you drive there and pick her up at a time convenient for you - which, if it's 4pm, then sorry 4pm it is. This may actually be the better solution if she's totally overwhelmed and been up since 5 anyway.

His solution is essentially you playing 95% backup parent as per normal, which is what it sounds like you are used to doing but honestly, take a step back, his suggestion is utterly ridiculous and surprise surprise suits him extremely well. It's completely unreasonable for one of her actual parents to require a backup parent to be available at their beck and call in the event the actual parent struggles to do any actual parenting!!

At least you don't have to live with the idiot anymore.

If you're not doing the hotel, by when do you need to decide?

Be there for your poor frightened baby! I would, and mine is 41.

If you are giving up your time to support her for his family's benefit, he should provide your accommodation. Otherwise, you and your dd will have to stay at home.

I’ve given this so much thought, I really have! I’m sure she’d blab🤣

Those saying cancel - I do t think this would work as he’d go absolutely berserk at me, like red faced shouting & would lay it on thick with DD & she would then not want to upset him so would then not open up to me.

I’ve told her I will see what I can do.

She's eight. Why would you not want to be there? Far too young to be worrying about future coping on her own.

110% take the room if it will eliminate all this anxiety she’s feeling, bless her. You can go to a spa or have lunch alone make the most of it… she’ll probably be fine!

Also, if your dd doesn’t want to do it, you have to take the flack and say no whatever the fall out. If she does want to but she’s nervous then that different. Your ex can scream all he likes your dd has to come first.

2nd option won’t work - She won’t open up to him/tell him she’s not happy, she’ll keep
it in, she like a kid that comes home from school after having to have kept upset in all day! She’s absolutely confident telling me what she’s upset about!

I think the 4pm pickup is what I was thinking. That is a time that suits me & my DD. I’ll just have to deal with the hissy fit.

I cancelled a wedding when she was under 1 and it was 7 hours travelling & I got totally bollocked for that - not from my ex but his family.

You don't have to deal with his family anymore though OP.

Just him.

That's it, I think. The only way to make him step up without making even more demands on you and still meeting your daughter's emotional needs. He created this problem, so it needs to be solved and if he won't action one solution, you'll have to resort to the other.

I’ve just been having a chat with her from this, I think it’s that she’s nervous, the pressure of it being the best day/being expected to entertain people she doesn’t know & being away from me overnight.

I think I’m leaning to picking her up at 4pm & dealing with the telling off about ruining the day!

@StarDolphins
i haven’t read the whole thread, so apologies if this has been suggested.
You use his room until you DD is ready to come home, either 9 pm or before. They’ll all be at the wedding, you only have to lay on the bed and watch telly etc….

Your daughter is only 8, she's little, and it sounds like she is so upset and anxious about this wedding. I'd politely refuse the invitation (summons?) and put her feelings first. Good luck, op x

Thank you. 9pm is too late to drive home. I hate driving & it’s a long way so I would want to be leaving the wedding at 4pm so we’re home for her bedtime.

*weekly calls asking her if she’s excited

if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it *

Usually I'm in the suck it up buttercup camp but this sounds like a lot of unnecessary pressure which is having the opposite effect on the poor child.

In this situation I would take the offer of the room and reassure your DD that she can escape back to your room if she needs to and go back again to the party.

It's a better solution to the alternative which is for the child to scream bl**dy murder and have to be taken out. What's what I did as a child until I was really quite old indeed.

DSis hated the idea of things just like me but never followed through and ended up doing heaps of things she hated. Me not so much.

Your ex doesn't sound much use and totally intimidated by his family. Reassure your DH so the tears stop and if they don't get her signed off by a doctor a few days before