AIBU not to get a room [UPDATED] - title edited by MNHQ at OP's request

[StarDolphins]

My DD has been told she’s being a bridesmaid at my Ex’s sister’s wedding (sister doesn’t live close so my DD doesn’t see her that often). They’re lovely but very showy/OTT. The wedding is 3.5hrs by car & they’ll be setting off at 5am. My DD is just turned 8.

Now it’s nearing the wedding, my DD is in a constant state of dread and tears( despite my continual reassurance). Doesn’t want to be a bridesmaid/have make-up /be centre of attention & will only know 5 people there inc. the B&G. She thinks she’ll be forced to play with cousins she’s never met & says it would all be ok if I was there. There are weekly calls asking her if she’s excited & telling her it will be the best day of her life.

My ex has offered to get me a room nearby that I can wait in so that after the wedding she can stay with me.

I’m totally torn. 50% of me thinks it will make things worse in the future for me to have a room & ‘fix’ it for her so I’m there (I think she’s anxious of the unknown but will likely have a nice day) but 50% of me thinks, if I can make it better for her then shouldn’t I do just do it given the level of upset & dread.

it will be a total ballache too as I will then have to leave at 5 am too & I had arranged to go out with my friends that night.

it’s a month away & she’s crying most days at the times she’s not distracted. It’s like she suddenly remembers it!

YABU - book the hotel to support her/help her so she knows you understand
YANBU - this will bring problems in the future as she’ll need me there at everything

It won’t happen. She’s a trophy grandchild, that’s it.

She gets her only support from me.

This all sounds like a great solution for her feckless father tbh.

He gets his DD looking cute in the photos. But at the point he has to do any challenging parenting he can just dump her on you, sitting dutifully waiting in your hotel room ready to looking after her and he can then return and party the night away.

No wonder his only solution to the issue is to essentially draft you in as Default Parent, yet again.

So I think you need to really ask yourself, who benefits from any of this?

If you think DD would ultimately enjoy being a bridesmaid I'd allow it but then pick her up at a fixed time early evening and bring her home. He can organise everything up until that point. No 5am wakeup for you, she can stay with him beforehand and he can organise travel.

If not then just pull the plug now and put everyone out of their misery.

Yes of course you should support your child. Helping her now will help her have confidence in the future.

So I’d be concerned about whether anyone is actually going to be keeping an eye on her at this wedding.

I think it's ridiculous to ask her to be a bridesmaid at 8 in the first place!

I completely understand why you are conflicted, but it's her dad's job to manage this situation on the day. He will be there, it's his family, he isn't the groom so no excuse for him not to dedicate his time to his child.
Leave it to him but you should both work together to reduce her anxiety. What about meeting up with some of the cousins ahead of the wedding so she gets to know them better?

I feel so sorry for your daughter she is still very young so yes I would get a room. By the sounds of thigs neither he father or his family really have her best interests at heart. If you can I would tell your ex that you will go on the condition that you get to stay in the venue if he has a room booked there and he stays in the room nearby. Then your dd can com up to the room when ever she wants.

He will be. I told him & my DD that he’s fully responsible for her care all day. He isn’t to go off chatting & leave her. She doesn’t have to play with anyone & she must be able to ring me at any time.

You are getting some harsh replies op. You're a single parent who probably would have liked a night off. Sounds like your ex is a bit of a deadbeat, no wonder your dd doesn't want to be a bridesmaid for his sister.

I have a DS9 who I imagine would be wrought with anxiety if he was expected to play a part in a wedding. He'd probably refuse to do it on the day if not before.

I would call your ex's sister and tell her that this isn't happening tbh. She can't just dictate that your child is a bridesmaid. I don't think it's a "life lesson" to force a child to do something like this. It's not right to push it on her, if it's a month away and she's already in tears about it.

Exactly this, I can't believe some of the replies are along the lines of "managing the anxiety" this is not a few nerves, the child is hysterical about the idea.

I really don't get that tbh. At our wedding, the 8 year olds were off running around and playing with the other children, not glued to their parents or on the phone.
I don't see how encouraging her to stay with her dad instead of meeting with her cousins will help build her confidence...

Get you now

Thank you! I didn’t site the night out as the main reason (yes it would’ve been nice since I never get nights off), but as always on here, it’s been gone through with a fine tooth comb to find it! I said 50/50 - I wondered if it would feed her anxiety in some way but I’ve had lovely & very helpful replies that I’ve taken on board totally.

I will speak to her tonight about me being close by and see how she now feels about being bridesmaid (she will def be honest with me!) then break the news if she’s still upset!

It’s not that. It’s the pressure on her to ‘go & play with your cousins’ that I have issue with. If she wants to play, absolutely great. If she doesn’t (which is what she’s saying) then that should also be ok.

Where is her Dad, Grandparents, Aunties and Uncles in all of this?

Not looking at the bigger picture! They think weddings are great so should she type thing.

I have no doubt if it was a wedding in my family (except I don’t have any family!😆) she would be fine.

No. I have her 95% - she goes there just for the day on a weekend.

This is the issue, my ex used to pull stunts like this, hardly see her but then expect that she'd be totally comfortable with an extended stay with expectations placed upon her.
It's not fair to expect that an 8 year old who spends one day a week - knowing what will happen and when she's going home, will be totally comfortable with spending the day with virtual strangers.
He hasn't by the sounds of it, invested in his relationship with her and therefore when she needs reassurance mum is the person she needs.
I get that you think by going you're going to effectively make that situation worse, that she'll never have the opportunity to feel comfortable without you around if you always do it, and yes, her father is an equal partner of the parenting - but in reality he's not and this comes out when situations like this arise.

His lack of investment isn't your fault, but your daughter is the one suffering for it unfortunately, I would pick her up at 9, no ifs or buts, yes he gets to go and party at his sisters wedding like he's no responsibility - but he does that week in, week out anyway, there's no difference there.

I think that's the middle ground here, she goes and spends the day and enjoys herself as I'm sure you're right that she will, but she has the safety net of knowing the person she relies on the most will be there at the end of it - knowing that will probably help massively towards her being able to enjoy herself.

My DD would have gone off with my parents, sister, brother and even some of my friends without an issue because she felt comfortable with them, they invested time and effort in the relationship, with her dad she wouldn't and I never forced her to. It's his responsibility to build the relationship so she does feel comfortable - but if he doesn't then you're the one she relies on.

I'm sorry about your night out - I know some people have made you feel bad about even mentioning it but it's not unreasonable to be disappointed, even if the reason you're not going is the best one there can be.

I hope your DD does enjoy herself.

I don't understand why you're bending over backwards for your ex. Your DD doesn't want to do it. She is overwhelmed and it doesn't sound fun at all. The only people that will be upset if you cancel are your ex and his family. Why are you letting them dictate what you do? Why are you going the extra mile for a family you have divorced and who are obviously not very nice at all?

No way would my child be going to that wedding if this was the case.

If her own father and grandparents don’t support her and see her as an accessory and to show off then they wouldn’t be having contact with her.

Sorry OP, but her father and his family sound nuts. I’d be keeping her away from them. This isn’t normal.

This is all very Mickey mouse. It clear no one but you has considered your child's feelings.

Look it's unfortunate that she doesn't want to do it or feel able. If it were me I'd sit down with her and a piece of paper and write down what she is finding difficult, I would then look it over myself and see if there is practical solutions to her worries. If there isn't then consider not letting her attend.

The 5am start is fine for the bride and people older, a child doesn't need to travel that early unless the wedding is very early. If you do stay can you travel after with DD, a child won't take long to get ready, I doubt she'll want to get ready with the wedding party.

I'm not understanding this 9pm? Is your ex saying she has to be gone by 9pm ? Or do you want her gone by 9pm ? What happens here ? She and you sit in a hotel room or drive home?

Tbh this 3.5 hours isn't sitting right with me, that's a long drive and even longer after a full day there. Are you expected to do this journey and sit waiting in the hotel until 9pm?

He is her father and he should be able to man up and do some parenting, you are not together and this is part of separation and divorce, you parent your child and you don't bring the ex to babysit.

It's just all stressful for you and your DD, you both are worried, doing lots of traveling, getting involved in something your child doesn't want to do, being with people she hardly knows, a father who obviously only wants her there for the good bits. I think I'd be having a chat with him and telling him she isn't going and he can tell his sister.

Thank you. Very insightful & unfortunately very accurate.

I’ve had no help from these people so she’s not had the chance to be away from me.

I do think she will enjoy it. It’s the ‘thought’ or the unknown that sometimes seems to fuel these worries with her but I will make sure I’m there for her.

She’ll be so happy when we have a chat tonight I’m sure. If he can’t get an extra bed put in his room (awkward🤣) then I will drive for her! Either way, it will be better than original plan for her.

This. How can she only know 5 people including bride and Groom. Her Dad needs to step up and support her.

The leaving at 5am may be part of the problem. Knowing she is going to have to get up early, travel, and be tired before even having this big exciting day won’t be helping her nerves.

I would argue that she needs to travel to the venue the night before. Then she can be calm and rested.

whether you travel with her or not is a personal decision, but I don’t think it’s crazy.

I think that you’ve had some harsh replies.

The cousins could be much older or younger so not really playmate material.

I think it’s good that you’re going to be her support because she might have fun if she’s not worrying.

I know you’re a single parent so could have used another person to discuss this with but your dd is unaware that no or a compromise plan is a legitimate solution as weddings are an invitation and not a summons even if you’re the bride and groom.

She’ll be so happy when we have a chat tonight I’m sure. If he can’t get an extra bed put in his room (awkward🤣) then I will drive for her! Either way, it will be better than original plan for her.

Isn't there an AirBnB nearby or something? Bed in his room sounds intolerable!

This! Her father ought to be her chaperone.