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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so disappointed about not being thanked for a dinner party

337 replies

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:06

We are a small group of friends who go out for dinner together every 2-3 months or so. It's just three couples so a small group. Anyway, one of them couldn't make the scheduled dinner so we have decided to invite the rest to our house for a dinner party. We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work. I thought it went well, everyone was laughing and the food was good. Although one of them was still very hangover from a couple of days earlier and one was very tired from traveling for work..I understand this and any occasional yawns because people are tired from work and having kids. But aibu to be really upset about not having received even one text today to thank us for the evening? They obviously all said thank you as they left last night but the silence today felt a bit deafening. If we ever happen to go to theirs for a party, we always make sure to send a thank you text the day after and so does everyone else. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite upset about receiving nothing at all? Is it normal?

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 07:23

Branster · 22/04/2024 07:22

How much effort and expense can a dinner party for 4 adults really be? A reasonably decent cook wouldn't exactly exhaust or bankrupt themselves to organise such an event to a high standard.
It's not a wedding for 400 people.

They already said thank you and, hopefully, have been gracious and complimentary about the meal during the evening.
No further texts required.

(The card thing after a dinner with close friends is just bonkers to my mind. I'm sure there must be 'thank you for sending me a card' cards in this country.!)

As a guest to a dinner party, I'd always take flowers and wine and some dessert item from a good independent cake shop. And would be genuine in my thanks to the host on arrival, during the meal and on leaving. I don't get drunk so it would be genuine and considerate and from the heart. Me writing a text or sending a card the next dat, would not be the real me, it wouldn't be a genuine gesture.

You don’t thank for a thank you.

Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 07:25

Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 22:07

You may get a message when people are back at their desks tomorrow morning op.

Yes. And I think that’s fine too as it shows the event ( and gratitude) has lingered in their minds and they haven’t just wolfed the food, digested it and moved on.

curiositykilledthiscat · 22/04/2024 07:25

YANBU. It’s rude, but I feel it’s not just about manners, it’s also about empathy. Trying to put yourself in the shoes of your friends that you care about, and the expense and time they’ve obviously put in to make that night a really nice one. To me, sending an appreciative message the following day would be as natural as breathing and anyone who would feel uncomfortable with receiving that message, I think would have some issues of their own to work through.

Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 07:26

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/04/2024 00:53

You are wanting to be Thanked twice ?

Just once properly.

PuppyMonkey · 22/04/2024 07:27

What a very weird thing to be all upset about. I hope you can get over the ordeal OP. Grin

yellowlupins · 22/04/2024 07:28

Why do you feel a written, lasting thank you is better. Do you go and look back at the thank yous at a later date?

curiositykilledthiscat · 22/04/2024 07:30

Branster · 22/04/2024 07:22

How much effort and expense can a dinner party for 4 adults really be? A reasonably decent cook wouldn't exactly exhaust or bankrupt themselves to organise such an event to a high standard.
It's not a wedding for 400 people.

They already said thank you and, hopefully, have been gracious and complimentary about the meal during the evening.
No further texts required.

(The card thing after a dinner with close friends is just bonkers to my mind. I'm sure there must be 'thank you for sending me a card' cards in this country.!)

As a guest to a dinner party, I'd always take flowers and wine and some dessert item from a good independent cake shop. And would be genuine in my thanks to the host on arrival, during the meal and on leaving. I don't get drunk so it would be genuine and considerate and from the heart. Me writing a text or sending a card the next dat, would not be the real me, it wouldn't be a genuine gesture.

OP said: We put a lot of time, money and effort to get the best food, cook all three courses from scratch, get expensive wines etc... it was a lot of money and work.

Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 07:31

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:37

Thank you for all your responses and I do appreciate all points of view. For context - I'm not even British and thank you cards are totally alien to me. "Old fashioned" does not apply to me much either... The friends in question are not British either (all of us are totally different cultures!) However, after most nights, we tend to send messages on our whatsapp group saying "it was a great night, we had so much fun. thanks for arranging xx". There was nothing today. It's nothing to do with any formality, just instinctive appreciation. And no, I don't think saying thank you as you leave is the same.... it's an automatic thank you

Perhaps the flowers are en route! 😂

I remember making a real effort throwing a party for someone’s birthday and the other guests all texted a nice thank you the next day, but radio silence from the person I had held the party for. I was feeling a bit😬 all the next day about that. I’d got over it by the Monday. On the Tuesday I received the most beautiful bunch of flowers plus a hand written card which she had clearly taken in to the florist to have included. So never wind up too soon! 😆

IsoldeWagner · 22/04/2024 07:32

Well, OP you went to a lot of time and effort because you wanted to. They're your friends. Everyone had a good evening and they thanked you for it.
Just leave it there.

Aswellisnotoneword · 22/04/2024 07:32

If I thanked you for inviting me at the time and again on arrival, complimented your efforts throughout the evening and again at the culmination of the meal, then gave you a genuine, heartfelt thank you again as I was leaving, and again next time I saw you if that was soon... that wouldn't be enough for you? You'd still want a text message the next day?

BlazesBoylansHat · 22/04/2024 07:34

OP I'm with you! I think it's really rude not so send a personal message the next day thanking the host for their hospitality & complimenting the meal & the huge effort entertaining at home entails. I would fund it incredibly rude for my friends not to do this.
We have a v active social life & a wide, broad circle of friends & it us entirely normal within all these friendships that we would send and/ or receive a thank you the next day. In some cases we've received a thank you card too.

Your friends were also rude to be yawning & nursing a 2 day old hangover. I think if some ones gone to the trouble of shopping, paying for, preparing & serving lovely food & wine in their home you pull yourself together & make an effort & don't sit there slumped & yawning. That's v rude to me.

We enjoy our friends company & they enjoy ours & the mood is always very upbeat & happy when we host or are hosted -we're delighted to be in each others company & have much to catch up on.

It's so easy to make another person feel loved & appreciated or unappreciated & taken for granted & I know which side I always aim for.

We always text each other the next day if we've been out to dinner in a restaurant or to a party or cinema / theatre so say how lovely to see them & check how hangovers are etc. That's absolutely normal in my world too.

I am convinced its the often the tiniest of things that make or break relationships between people whether romantic or friendship based & those who choose to ignore that wouldn't be my type of person at all.

I'm not British & don't live in Britain.

Aswellisnotoneword · 22/04/2024 07:35

I'm keen to hear any expert tips on how to stop yourself yawning btw.

Booksoverbros · 22/04/2024 07:36

If I go to someone's house and they put such effort into hosting then I 100% send a "thank you" message the next day (as do everyone I know).

It makes the host feel appreciated and like all of their hard work has been 'seen'.

There's a trend on mumsnet of portraying people as needy or "too much" in situations like this and it's bloody ridiculous.
(Mother's Day was a shit show)

Humans thrive on appreciation and gratitude and making your friends smile shouldn't be seen as a bad thing.

It's a race to the bottom on here sometimes 😑

Calamitousness · 22/04/2024 07:36

I usually thank on way out and text next day but I think you shouldn’t overthink this. You were happy to host. You enjoyed your evening. Your guests enjoyed their evening. They came and ate your food and drank your wine and they all thanked you for your efforts. That’s ok. Let it be and remember you offered to host you weren’t forced and you all enjoyed it and they thanked you.

jengachampion · 22/04/2024 07:38

Sosospring · 21/04/2024 21:37

Thank you for all your responses and I do appreciate all points of view. For context - I'm not even British and thank you cards are totally alien to me. "Old fashioned" does not apply to me much either... The friends in question are not British either (all of us are totally different cultures!) However, after most nights, we tend to send messages on our whatsapp group saying "it was a great night, we had so much fun. thanks for arranging xx". There was nothing today. It's nothing to do with any formality, just instinctive appreciation. And no, I don't think saying thank you as you leave is the same.... it's an automatic thank you

If the usual thing is to send thanks and no one has this time, I would feel bad - do you start off the thank you text usually? It could just be that everyone is busy and someone will send something later

Calliopespa · 22/04/2024 07:39

Aswellisnotoneword · 22/04/2024 07:35

I'm keen to hear any expert tips on how to stop yourself yawning btw.

I kind of push it through my ears. If you looked closely you’d know I was yawning as my lips quiver wanting to part; but if you were not looking directly at me it would go under the radar. It’s kind of like silencing a fart- similar technique only different body parts.

Mouldiwarp1 · 22/04/2024 07:39

We entertain the same group regularly. Some text the following day, some don’t. They’re still vv keen to come when we invite them again so obviously enjoy themselves! I wouldn’t sweat it op, I’m sure they had a good time and you’ll get positive feedback next time you see them - and they did thank you at the time. That said, I do normally text the following day myself, particularly if it’s people I don’t know so well.

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 22/04/2024 07:43

They may be writing cards, I suppose.
Going back to really old guides to etiquette, a letter of thanks was only required if you stayed the night.

fungibletoken · 22/04/2024 07:43

I normally send a "lovely to see you/thanks for xyz" text once I get home from visiting friends, but I have a number of friends who don't. Not something I would take personally as it seems it's a habit you've either picked up or you haven't - no reflection of how much they enjoyed/appreciated it, particularly if they were clearly having a good time and thanked you on the day. Sounds like a lovely evening, OP! 😊

MooFroo · 22/04/2024 07:46

YANBU - it’s basic manners to send a thank you message after any kind of invite. I’ve taught our kids to do the same as well as take a gift to hosts house.

thank you card is OTT

NeedToChangeName · 22/04/2024 07:48

This thread is a great example of how my / your way isn't necessarily the "right" way. There's more than one way to be a polite guest

Some people might argue that criticising your guests on an online public forum is poor etiquette

WildBear · 22/04/2024 07:50

If everyone had a good time, they thanked you as they left, why is that not enough? I don't do things to be thanked multiple times... I actually cringe when people keep thanking me for something they already thanked me for!!

Sagarmatha · 22/04/2024 07:55

patchworkpal · 21/04/2024 21:38

I will start doing this with my husband

Show quote history

Go for it

ringoffiire · 22/04/2024 07:58

You are putting your own cultural expectations on people who do not share your culture.

This just isn't the cultural 'done thing' for your guests.

Your guests have no idea that you are expecting this or getting offended by it.

They said thank you on the night. That's the normal/ done thing for them.

jengachampion · 22/04/2024 08:00

ringoffiire · 22/04/2024 07:58

You are putting your own cultural expectations on people who do not share your culture.

This just isn't the cultural 'done thing' for your guests.

Your guests have no idea that you are expecting this or getting offended by it.

They said thank you on the night. That's the normal/ done thing for them.

Op said they normally send thank yous to the whatsapp group…