SAHM

[VGoghsEar]

To think most women would prefer to be a SAHM given the choice. I don't know of anyone IRL that would choose to work if they didn't have to.

It's certainly true that school hours are not as good at covering childcare requirements as one might initially think, when dc are tiny and you're comparing it to nursery fees. School holidays are long and the quality/availability of wraparound care isn't consistent across the country.

I do also know that my children have needed me just as much in their older years as they did when small. The needs are different, but no less important. This has surprised me tbh, but I'm glad I've been able to be at home and that my dh had been extremely supportive of it and appreciative of me taking on most of it.

I am a lone parent with no family support, and I can barely manage! But it’s not nonsense, that’s my reality and choice

Profoundly silly? Then you’re profoundly offensive to others’ reality outside your own. As a PP said, my child’s needs have skyrocketed since school began and the staff just don’t have the time to be supportive like the nursery staff were. There’s also some parent involvement every fortnight or so that I’m keen to show up for. My choice to prioritise this over FT work (I squeeze in freelance) and don’t deserve to be called silly for a differing reality

Your reality is not everyone else's though. Please don't act like it's impossible to work full time with school age children because it's not. I am a full time working lone parent, also with no family support and have been doing it nearly 10 years.

Not making out it’s impossible at all. I’m saying it’s a choice and one I totally struggled with juggling. I choose to be there for my DC first - in my work I just wouldn’t have been able to give them the time and attention I want to. Jeez

Well exactly, it's a choice. You said in your post that one parent would have to leave work at 9 and 3 to do school runs. That's not true.

I already acknowledged that it is different for parents who are caring for disabled children, but we are not talking about carers on this thread, we are talking about SAHPs.

And of course it is silly to suggest that a child in school that doesn't have significant disabilities has "the same needs" as a baby or a toddler. There is nothing offensive about this, it is just a simple statement of fact. Unless they have significant disabilities, most children in school will be able to feed themselves, dress themselves, go to the toilet and do all sort of other things for themselves that babies and toddlers cannot. And they will typically spend 6 hours each day out of the house in school. Their needs are demonstrably different.

If you want to be a SAHP to school aged children and your partner is happy with this arrangement, and/or you can support yourself financially, then crack on. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. But if you're going to suggest that being a SAHP to a baby/toddler is as demanding as being a SAHP to a typical child in school then I am afraid I do think that's very silly.

I never compared their needs to that of a toddler or baby, but you infer what you suits you

You said:

^It doesn’t magically get easier once they’re at school. They still have the same needs..."

How is that not comparing the needs of children at school with the needs of babies/toddlers or preschoolers or whatever you might want to call them.

If you expressed it badly and simply wanted to say that children at school still have needs, then fair enough, just say that. But saying that they have "the same needs" makes no sense at all.

You said that they have the same needs when they start school as they do as before school. How isn’t that comparing?

And I would add, there are plenty of jobs that
would facilitate you doing at least half of the school pick ups/drop offs etc, and quite a lot that would potentially enable you to work around all of them. And indeed, there are many jobs that would also support you to carry on with your fortnightly parental meetings etc with the school etc. Lots of people in my organisation have significant caring responsibilities, either for children (including children with disabilities), elderly relatives, disabled partners etc. It's very normal for people to need time out to deal with this sort of stuff, and most people just work around it/make up the hours elsewhere etc. Of course, not all employers will accommodate, but I haven't worked anywhere that doesn't.

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with being a SAHP if that's what you want to do. Merely pointing out that working doesn't necessarily mean giving up on all the other stuff that people might want or need to do. Decent employers recognise these days that employees have lives and families that are important to them, and work has to be compatible with these.

I think it’s sad that even when PP’s have stated that their CHOICE is being a SAHM, they’re jumped all over by working mums telling them how it’s perfectly possible, they manage, after school clubs etc, then get bogged down in the semantics of needs! Kids needs don’t just stop when they get to school and I’ve found that more intense than nursery (no one is saying vs babies, that’s different). This shows there is definitely still an appetite for shaming SAHMs albeit just more covert.

Don’t be ridiculous. The pp responded to my comment saying that a parent ‘has to’ be able to drop their child off at school and also pick them up.

pp later clarified that it was actually her choice which is fine but isn’t at all the same as saying that a parent ‘has to’ do it.

No one ever said that needs stop when a child starts school either. Just that the needs change, pp argued that the needs are the same.

it isn’t semantics if someone is actually saying it. If that isn’t what pp means then don’t say it.

Cripes. Sounds like you have a bee in your bonnet about this?

In my case and most I know, a parent definitely needs to be available to do drop offs and pick-ups? What’s the alternative? It’s certainly the norm, no? So not sure what you mean there…

It's much easier not working because if you work you have to do both. However, not working doesn't suit a lot of people. Most would say part-time is the ideal.

Calling people silly and telling them to stop being ridiculous is exactly the covert bullying and superiority I’m referring to

I was the one who called a statement "silly" and I stand by that. It was silly.

To be clear, I have not said that anyone is"silly" to be a SAHP, or indeed for organising their lives in any way they see fit. I don't care really care what others choose to do with their time.

But it is silly to say that children who are in school all day have "the same needs" as babies and preschoolers. Anyone with any common sense will know that this makes no sense at all.

It isn't about shaming SAHPs in the slightest. It's about countering the suggestion - sometimes explicit, sometimes implicit - that people have to choose between prioritising the needs of their children and having a career, because of the false presumption that it isn't possible to do both.

If some people want to be SAHPs, and it works for them and their families, I am happy for them. They don't need to justify their choices by implying that their kids would somehow be worse off if they went to work.

The alternative is using childcare, which is what most people do. I know absolutely nobody who was a SAHP with school age children.

Because that person did not say it was a CHOICE, they said a parent needs to leave work at 9 and 3 to do school pickups, WHICH IS FALSE. That is what we are contradicting.

What’s the alternative? Really?

Childcare is the very, very standard alternative.

It isn’t bullying at all.

if it is then the same can be said for pp’s comment when she implies that working mums have chosen work over their school aged children.

There are a few at my daughters' school.

I saw one at pick up today and I asked what she'd been up to. She said "the cleaner was round so I met a friend for brunch and then got my nails done". So let's not pretend everyone is doing it for the child's benefit.

yep i would pack in work in a heart beat.

Could be area dependent to be fair. Nobody I know could manage on only one income. But I refuse to believe that people on this thread don't know that childcare exists and that's how parents go to work.