SAHM

[VGoghsEar]

To think most women would prefer to be a SAHM given the choice. I don't know of anyone IRL that would choose to work if they didn't have to.

I'm a SAHM. I wouldn't want it any other way.

Out of the mothers I know with paid jobs, I would say that about half have said they'd prefer to be SAHMs (if there were no impact on income and on future career). Over half of those would be SAHMs if they felt they could afford to, regardless of future career impact.

Almost all of the rest of the mothers I know would rather work part time than full time, and usually fewer hours then they work at present. They just either can't afford to reduce hours, or more commonly can't afford to without negatively impacting lifestyle to an unwanted extent. A couple can't because of their specific jobs.

None of the SAHMs I currently know would rather get a job.

The idea of spending 24/7 entertaining small children fills me with dread. Let alone the sole responsibility on running the house.

id rather work and split it. If I won the litter I’d outsource all the home running, work less and still have the children in childcare.
it’s not for me.

my friend on the other hand would love it as she loves all that sort of stuff. People are different, there’s no one size fits all.

Oh. I know very few mums who went back to their jobs full-time. Most went part-time whilst the men made no changes at all.

That’s really interesting as it’s the complete opposite for me. All the mums I know work full time and love it. None wanted to go part time, neither did the dads. All couples could afford to take the hit of losing one or part of one salary.

My mum and my mother in law both said to be they really regret not working and being the SAHP.

That said, all the couple I know work equal hours, earn similar amounts, and all share the daily chores and childcare. I can imagine people might feel differently if they were expected to do everything.

@ViewFromTheBus I think my dh would have quite enjoyed being a sahd and would have been willing to do it, had I been in a career that I couldn't bear to leave. But tbh, I wanted to be home with my babies.

Even with our set up though, I'd not have tolerated having a partner who was unwilling to change his life in any way, to accommodate our dc. He's always been a fully involved dad, even with ft work, just as mothers who work ft are also fully involved parents.

I will say that logistically and from a reduced stress/easier life pov, sah has been great. And I honestly didn't spend all my time singing wheels on the bus or cleaning and I still managed to see friends, talk to other adults etc. Like most things, it is what you make it, to a large extent.

Insisted you protect yourself financially if the marriage was to end? He's doing you a favour.

Protecting her financially would be paying her for her labour and adding to her lost pension, right?

I’ve been a SAHM for 18 years. Until 2 years ago I was a full time carer for my now adult son. I do think about returning part time now the younger kids are almost adults but I’m honestly enjoying the freedom too much at the moment!

"Insisted you protect yourself financially if the marriage was to end? He's doing you a favour."

Not really - he's enjoyed the benefit of a sahp during the tough years, and been happy for her to sacrifice some earning potential and career progression. Now the kids are at school and it's a bit easier, it suits him more for her to work.
I'd bet London to a brick that she still does the majority of the parenting and is the one to take time off when the kids are sick and didn't go to school!

I bet she wanted to be a SAHM though, so why make it almost sound like she was forced?

I see nothing wrong with it agreeing to it but only until the children are at school. It doesn’t automatically mean it should be forever.

She probably did want to be a sahm. Lots of people feel this is on the best interests of their dc. And it's a mutual decision - I would never advocate anyone doing this without both parties full agreement.
But a wohp can't reasonably agree to it and spin it as sime kind of favour to the sahp or pretend they obtain zero benefits from it. It's rather nice having the freedom to pursue your work, in the knowledge that your dc are being cared for by the one other person who loves them as much as you do. That sick days and nursery closures and holiday care are all covered, there's no rushing out the door to get to nursery on time before the penalty costs kick in!
I think some wohp are happy to enjoy all that, with little acknowledgment that although the sahp wanted to be with the dc, there are still consequences for them career wise, that cannot always be undone. Yet they will happily see a sahp return to any crappy little job, rather than accept there were consequences to a mutual decision and support the sahp to either continue or take the time to retrain and find a new career. It's like some men resent any time there their partner might have a bit of an easier time, even though we all know that women who work ft still do disproportionately more housework and child care than their ft worker make partners.

Yes, this! I did want to be a SAHM and of course I was very grateful he was earning to enable this but the benefits to my partner were huge over this time period and now I’m suffering the consequences and have to live with that, and part of me is angry with him for letting this happen and not encouraging me more to work or take some of the childcare / housework burden. Totally irrational I know as it was my choice but I can’t help how I feel. And yes I’ll probably end up in a crappy part time job of anyone will employ me and pick up all the other pieces of our life at the same time

@NeedtostopusingMNsomuch don't let him pull this shit on you! Tell him you expect his financial support while you retrain for a job which matches his in terms of opportunity/pay potential etc. in addition, once you are working you will absolutely expect him to do his 50% of child care (including time off when kids are sick or on school holiday) plus his fair share of housework. Fair's fair, right? He can only take the piss if you allow it!

Yes @NeedtostopusingMNsomuch I know a couple of women in that position.

Thanks for your support! He does say he’s supportive of me retraining and working out what I want to do but the reality is that I currently do all housework, washing (doesn’t know how to turn the machine on!), food shopping, most of the cooking, all life admin, school runs, childrens stuff, gifts, bills etc basically run our lives whilst delegating the odd thing here and there like mowing the lawn or popping to the shops and a pick up from a club a week. It would take a huge shift in lifestyle for him to participate in some of these daily tasks that I do without thinking about. Just clearing up the kitchen in the day would be a big step!

he’s a high earner which complicates things, I realise that comes with a certain level of stress and responsibility and it’s not always 9-5 but he WFH so he does and can help with the children and he’s brilliant with them he’s just used to having a housekeeper to do the mundane stuff. If I got a job we would have to get a cleaner, he’s never cleaned a bathroom for example. He’s a very intelligent man, great actually and generous and shares all finances completely but the way we run our lives is probably unusual at best

Whaaat? It doesn’t magically get easier once they’re at school. They still have the same needs and someone has to cut into their work day at 9 and again 3 (which means leaving work at least 30mins before).

I was a SAHM when my children were very small. It wasn't until I went back out into the adult world that I realised just how much I'd lost touch with who I am outside of motherhood.

My children are older now (youngest is upper key stage 2), and I wouldn't want to SAH now. I'm about to go to work full time, have been part time over the past year or so, and I'm so excited.

I don't "need" to work financially, but I absolutely want to.

How are their needs the same when they are out of the house for 7 hours a day that they weren't before?

And no one cuts into their workday at 3 here, we use childcare..

Of course they don’t have the same needs. They aren’t babies and are at school from 9-3.

They are also able to attend breakfast club and after school club.

No they’re not babies but they still need getting ready for, taking to and picking up from school. I personally don’t want my DC doing the same hours in an institution as FT work so I don’t want them to go to breakfast and after school clubs each day

They still have the same needs after starting school as they did when they were tiny babies/toddlers? This might be one of the silliest things I've ever read on MN!

I suppose that this is true for some profoundly disabled children, but in those scenarios, we're really talking about carers rather than SAHPs.

It certainly isn't true for most children!

We didn't use any breakfast or after school clubs but we were both able to work full time around dropping dd off/picking up from school. Loads of people work flexibly these days - it was pretty common when dd started school nearly 15 years ago!

I’ve been a SAHM, really didn’t enjoy it. Much, much, happier at work.

I absolutely do not need to work from a money perspective but I chose to work (full time and full on) as I find it rewarding and interesting.

I’d work in some form if I won the lottery, either investing and growing that win money or perhaps taking the cash to buy a business which I’d then oversee. It just who I am.

I know plenty of women who work and are happy, just as I know plenty of SAHM who are happy too.

Aren’t we lucky that many of us have the choice

Nonsense. How do you think lone parents manage?

There’s a difference between wanting and has to. You initially said has to when it’s just something you want.

Which is fine if the other parent agrees but also fine if they no longer want to be the sole provider financially once children are at school.

No one is entitled to be financially funded for as long as they fancy.