SAHM

[VGoghsEar]

To think most women would prefer to be a SAHM given the choice. I don't know of anyone IRL that would choose to work if they didn't have to.

@spriots I don't understand your point.
Zara Tindall is a professional sports woman - you can do that even if you come from a "modest" backgrounds (for example Tom Daley isn't from the Upper Class and he is a professional sportsman). She was a professional sportswomen before she had children or married. Yes she's from a wealthy background but do you question why her brother works? Not sure what he does - I think event planning? He's from a wealthy background too.
Sam Cam - do you mean Samantha Cameron?Doesn't she run a stationary business? Not really "niche".
I don't know who the other person is.

@Needmorelego I was agreeing with you that a lot of people work when they don't "need" the money. They do something important to them - e.g. sport, philanthropy, something creative.

When people have the choice, they actually don't usually choose not to have an occupation

The kind of work you describe wealthy people choosing to do isn't real work though. It's almost always either running vanity businesses or being a figure head for a charity. I think for many this is ideal as it does provide that sense of purpose you reference and gives you status and importance. Not many choose to become an IT project manager or receptionist though.

It's almost like saying would you be a SAHP if you also had a nanny and cleaner etc. You would be essentially fulfilling a role whilst outsourcing all the unpleasant and difficult bits.

@spriots oh ok - I think I get what you mean.

My god no! My job is stressful but rewarding and if you told me I had to stay at home with my kids I would lose my mind. I did it during lockdown I was furloughed for 3 months - I was amazing walks everyday, homeschooling, cooking but I was thrilled to get back to work even having to juggle it with homeschooling.

Dear God no. I worked part-time after my DD was born and I hated it. Back to full time now and I love it.

I would never give up. I have worked as a full time NHS consultant since before having kids. We used a nursery but most importantly my husband worked full time too but we shared simply every task equally. I was senior enough to be flexible with work so missed no school events. I am also super-organised which helps.

I have no regrets. I have a brilliant relationship with my young adults kids at university and am financially secure.

I am actually quite proud of what we managed to juggle and achieve. And I am glad to have done my bit to reduce the gender pay gap (something which I have realised most on MN don’t care about).

Staying at home was ‘easier’ but not that rewarding. My work can be beyond stressful and I have worked so so hard, but it’s rewarding and I feel like I am doing good for others. And the skills I develop at work have made me a better parent in many ways.

I feel privileged and would never give up work if I remain healthy. And my kids have witnessed a truly equal relationship and division of labour.

You could say that about 99% of things on AIBU.

I love this and I'm very glad to hear this kind of story.

I work as a lawyer and have seen many male colleagues with a partner who was a SAHM (I don't know anyone with a SAHD) so, on a personal level, it is difficult being compared to men in the office who can obviously put in longer hours and not need to contribute 50% at home. There are repercussions for everyone. That's just my view and personal experience.

@SouthLondonMum22 that's so true 🙂

I dont get some people they want kids have kids but then dont want to take care of their responsibility.
Going to work is great but some hate being parents and spend as much time as they can away.
GPs have to step in most of the time when they say no parents get angry with them then moan over the school holidays being so long.
And the price of child care.
But this is all something that should have been thought off at the start.
Would half the parents have children now if they knew what life would be like.

@walnutcoffeecake TBF, I’ve seen some parents whose children might be a bit happier if they weren’t around them 24/7.

And some parents who would have more care and patience if they had something else in their life outside of 24/7 parenthood.

It’s not as simple as ‘why have kids if you need to be away from them’.

And some stay home to care for their kids and can’t be arsed, or are cruel, neglectful, lazy, ,they do it so they don’t need to work,what’s your point: there is no test we need to take before conception.

caring for a child isn’t about being with them 24/7.

100%. I love my job. I don't do it for the money, which is just as well as the money isn't great.

Op. Out of curiousity, reading your posts again; are you a man?

I’d choose work. Kid/s all day long every day are exhausting.

Ah, that old chestnut.

You realise working parents don’t have a monopoly on cruelty and neglect. And staying at home doesn’t necessarily make you a more loving, capable or imaginative parent.

I would choose to work every time. I love my job and I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am in my career and I don’t need to have to choose between that and my child. It’s perfectly ok to do both. I applied for (and got) a promotion when DS was 10 days old, not the easiest thing I’ve ever done I must say! I’d go stir crazy being at home all day every day. I’m a better person and a better mum when I get my 8 hours a day at work, having conversations with actual adults and not a toddler, going for a run or to the gym on my lunch, and then picking DS up at 5:30pm and having a nice couple of hours with him before bed. My job is very flexible so I never miss parents events at nursery, can do stay and plays etc and can be there to pick him up immediately if he’s unwell or needs me. I absolutely love weekends with him, love planning days out and activities for us to do, but I also need that balance of my “me time” and my career.

'Bluntly, the interesting people of working age will be at work in interesting jobs, not in soft play on Tuesday mornings.'

If you seriously believe this, then you have a very narrow view of life - arguably, interesting people don't do the 'obvious' thing and are secure enough not to define themselves by their work and (finances permitting) instead go with what they value most at specific points in their lives.

What makes a person interesting, isn't their job, it's the level of interest they have in the world around them!

So much of what we do for a living comes down to childhood opportunities, finances, life circumstances - I wouldn't judge a person as interesting or boring, based on decisions made off the back of those factors. One of the most interesting, funny, thoughtful and alive people I have ever known, worked on the railway fixing the track. And some of the most dull, have been those in 'interesting' careers.

interesting people don't do the 'obvious' thing

Whilst I agree we should not define people by their work, the ‘obvious’ thing is still for a woman to give up work or go part-time after procreating, while the man continues in his Very Important Job.

"Whilst I agree we should not define people by their work, the ‘obvious’ thing is still for a woman to give up work or go part-time after procreating, while the man continues in his Very Important Job."

I disagree with that - even on this thread, the vast majority of women went back to work after maternity leave. I think dual income is the norm.

Back when I was a kid (70s/80s) my mum had periods of working ft and sah. I had one sah grandmother (mostly due to illness) and one who worked ft.

When I had my own child (late 1990s) I was back at work within a couple of months (due to both finances and needing to gain experience in a career where I'd only recently qualified). All of my friends returned to work when they had dc.

As a sahm, I feel I was an outlier.

Just to add, I became a sahm when I had my 2nd dc. This was accidental initially (difficult pregnancy).

I work full time in a job I love and WFH a lot. I see my school age kids almost as much as a SAHM. Many full time working mums and dads are very ‘present’ if that’s what you are arguing is the important thing for raising happy, healthy, loved kids. Regardless of me despising the idea of being a SAHM, I’d be interested if you could find a single person who knows us who thinks our kids are lacking, even in any tiny way, for me not being a SAHM.

But that "taking care of kids" should be a joint responsibility.

Imagine if some of the female dominated professions, like teaching and nursing, took the approach you advocate.

It's absolutely fine being a SAHM if you enjoy it and you can easily afford it. People just need to get over it really.