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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP wants to loan money from me

258 replies

Throwaway555 · 21/04/2024 19:47

DP’s business is going through a rough patch, he has outstanding invoices that are due to be paid in 3- 6 months that will get him back on track.

He is running out of money to live and run his business and has asked me to assist him financially until he gets paid and will then reimburse me. Amount as of yet, unknown.

We have been together 3 years, don’t live together and had our ups and downs. He’s struggling with depression due to his situation but also not able or willing to support me in ways I need, like emotionally and physically, because of this.

He has lied to me about his financial position in the past. Exaggerated his income and net worth to impress me at the beginning. Would I be crazy to loan him money?

OP posts:
Lucy377 · 22/04/2024 00:21

You can be a company director doing consultancy AND work full-time in McDonald's as well.

What line of work is he in?

Sounds like he doesn't really have a business but can't accept that it's a makey uppy thing that isn't working.

It all sounds very dodgy. Don't give him any money.

This sounds like those romance scams where the guy has a 'engineering' firm and has 'lucrative contracts' coming but there are 'cash flow' problems.

friendlycat · 22/04/2024 00:32

Saracen · 21/04/2024 23:59

You're working too hard to figure out what the situation is with his business and whether he's lying.

It doesn't matter. The point is that for whatever reason, his business is not viable. If it were viable, he'd be able to get a bank loan.

Detach from all emotions and focus on that fact.

Wise words

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 22/04/2024 00:39

NO

you do not want to lend him money.
if he borrows money from you - you may / will never see it again.

If you can afford the loss, then just give him the money.

Thank goodness you don't live together !

Densol · 22/04/2024 01:01

Just for interest sake. How much is he asking for ? How much are these invoices ?
what sort of business is this and what is the annual turnover and what is the net profit pa ?

But notwithstanding all of the above - dont lend him any money

kkloo · 22/04/2024 03:19

Harvestfestivalknickers · 21/04/2024 21:31

So it's a 'pride thing' telling people why he has to get a job. Is it not a 'pride thing' telling people he has to get his girlfriend to give him a loan?

He'll just tell them his business is booming surely?

kkloo · 22/04/2024 03:28

DP’s business is going through a rough patch, he has outstanding invoices that are due to be paid in 3- 6 months that will get him back on track.

In what way is his business going through a rough patch?
Is it because those customers didn't pay him?
Why does he think they're going to pay him in 3-6 months if they haven't already?

He has lied to me about his financial position in the past. Exaggerated his income and net worth to impress me at the beginning. Would I be crazy to loan him money?

Yes. He's already lied about his income. All other avenues for finance have been exhausted. You know that when he does have money that he's irresponsible with it.........plus he's not even nice to you?

extrasushiplease · 22/04/2024 03:45

In certain situations there’s nothing wrong with giving a partner a loan, but from what you said about the lies/lack of emotional support, I think it’s best to leave this sinkhole entirely.

OpusGiemuJavlo · 22/04/2024 04:00

The use of the word "Partner"/abbreviation DP is misleading here.

This is a man who OP does not live with, who lies to her and who doesn't provide enotional support.

There needs to be a word for a person you date/have sex with which covers this but it isn't "partner" - I see no partnership here, he is investing absolutely nothing in this relationship, he us all take and no give. Even boyftiend/FWB doesn't really fit as the lying and lack of emotional support means he's not really a friend either.

If he was a genuine partner or friend you might consider loaning him money but he isn't so you shouldn't.

AgentJohnson · 22/04/2024 04:52

The game he is playing is he wants cash and other sources aren’t open to him because they won’t take his blah, blah as evidence that the money could or will be. paid back.

Everything this man has told you about his business or his ability to finance it is bs and a bank would discover that very quickly. He’s putting the hard sell on you and not being nice about it because he feels entitled and he has no qualms in screwing you over. Which should tell you everything about why this is such a very bad idea.
The business might be solid but the business being run by him isn’t and the person poorly running the business is asking you for money.

Tell him no and wait for the Oscar winning performance as to why you will be the reason for his failed business and not his poor financial planning, reluctance to get a job to tide him over financially etc.

You know it’s a bad idea to lend this man money and the second you do, will be the start of a line of credit where he will emotionally manipulate you into throwing more money his way. Deep down you know this, which begs the question, why are you afraid to safeguard your money from someone who can’t/ won’t manage his own.

Woohow · 22/04/2024 06:05

If institutions who make their money from lending don't think he is a safe bet why should you? Why can't he run a ltd. company and geta job? All sounds like bullshit to me!

Ask to see his business accounts. Ask to see his credit report. If he won't show you then don't lend him the money.

Heartoverhead1 · 22/04/2024 06:18

Throwaway555 · 21/04/2024 20:00

He says he can’t get a loan as he’s had no income for the last year as he gets paid in lump sums for larger invoices as that’s how the business works. There are dry patches. I’ve suggested credit cards to bridge the gap and invoice finance but he says the invoices are so complicated that banks won’t loan… so basically I am his only option to get through this.

Then he's not running a viable business and you'll never see that money again. Do not give it to him.

Elephantswillnever · 22/04/2024 06:25

I’m another one saying don’t do it. Honestly if these invoices are real then you would do invoice factoring. Essentially you get paid the money by a lender now. They charge a percentage 3-5%. This is not an unusual way for businesses to manage cash flow.

LeilaDarling · 22/04/2024 06:29

No, you aren’t his last option unless you allow yourself to be.
The “business” is a dead duck and he is trying to keep it afloat using your funds.
I can assure you that you’ll never get it back so only give (wave goodbye) to what you are prepared to lose.
I can’t stress to you enough not to do it.
Say no and mean no. Please.

Howbizarre22 · 22/04/2024 06:29

I definitely would not. And if you decide to do such a crazy risky thing get him to sign a contract that you’ll get it back so you have evidence for when he won’t pay it back.

shockthemonkey · 22/04/2024 06:37

You weren’t clear with the voting so I voted YABU as in “you would be unreasonable to lend him money” (I say this based on his past behaviour, mostly).

Those who voted YANBU are likely saying “you would not be unreasonable to think it would be crazy to lend him money” - basically the same thing as I was trying to say.

Basically, there is probably more of a consensus in people’s responses than the results suggest!

Nosleepforthismum · 22/04/2024 06:39

Densol · 22/04/2024 01:01

Just for interest sake. How much is he asking for ? How much are these invoices ?
what sort of business is this and what is the annual turnover and what is the net profit pa ?

But notwithstanding all of the above - dont lend him any money

Yes to all these questions. I’d be too curious to say no outright and ask to see all his accounts for the business. How long has the company been running? Ask him to show you the profit and loss statements for the last three years. What are the business expenses he can’t afford to pay?

Anameisaname · 22/04/2024 06:49

Throwaway555 · 21/04/2024 21:44

He told me he would have to give up being a director (limited company) and fold the company if he took work elsewhere as it wasn’t allowed?

He has fulfilled the invoice that is due to pay later this year and has new contracts coming up that he is yet to fulfil. I am taking his word for all of this though.

Show quote history

That may be true for certain types of jobs, generally senior positions would say you can't hold a directorship elsewhere type thing.

However, you could work shifts at Tesco because I'd bet my bottom dollar they wouldn't care. Or become an office cleaner and do nights. There are definitely jobs where this would not be checked.

Tangelablue · 22/04/2024 06:55

Throwaway555 · 21/04/2024 21:46

Why is it exactly the game he’s playing? It didn’t make sense to me for him to be like that to gain something from me.

Show quote history

It makes a lot of sense. If having no money is making him depressed and moody towards you, he thinks you will want to make him happy and fix the situation by giving him money. Some men relay on women being people pleasers. If he had to lead money from his ex, it's a big indicator his business has been failing for a long time.
I have a feeling that if you leave him he will move on quickly to someone else who will lend him money.

Wigtopia · 22/04/2024 07:07

Throwaway555 · 21/04/2024 20:28

So apparently other finance means have been exhausted and no one wants to loan him the money. I don’t know if I believe this though or he just hasn’t had the capacity with his depression and stress to look into it properly.

Show quote history

Horrible situation for you to be put in, but it doesn’t sound like a good idea to help him out.

If no one will lend him money, most likely reason is he isn’t reliable enough to pay it back and other friends/family have learnt their lessons. If he isn’t getting anywhere from formal loans from banks maybe has defaulted on payments in the past.

it might be that he hasn’t tried formal bank loan options but is telling you he has, because he has no intentions of paying back. Having an informal loan from partners/friends/family makes it easier for him to avoid paying it back. I’d be wary.

KvotheTheBloodless · 22/04/2024 07:12

Look, he's not meeting your emotional needs as it is, he's not kind to you, and blames this on his depression. What exactly are you getting from this relationship?

Please throw this one back OP, you can do so much better. You're not an emotional/financial support worker, you're supposed to be an equal partner.

It is OK to be single, it is normal and healthy to put yourself first at this stage of a relationship. Build your boundaries and self-esteem.

Justleaveitblankthen · 22/04/2024 07:15

As you don't even live together, change his title from Partner to Boyfriend and saying No should come easier 😎
Sorry to be glib.
But No way.

isthesolution · 22/04/2024 07:16

You sounds very naive I'm afraid.

Hasn't been paid in a year?
Borrowed money for exes?
Would have to give up his company if he had a second job?

All sounds very implausible to me.

The best solution here is to call a clean break. He isn't a good partner and you are already saying things aren't good. Just cut your losses-emotionally and financially and get out.

But it you decide to stay please at least refuse to give him any money.

greasypolemonkeyman · 22/04/2024 07:20

@Throwaway555

Why is it exactly the game he’s playing? It didn’t make sense to me for him to be like that to gain something from me.

He's playing the old school " treat them mean, keep them men " bull shit. Barca is where a person knows how to pick somebody who is insecure as a partner and they treat them badly in the hope that that insecure person will creep around them, try to purchase their affection and blow shine up their arse in exchange for a few trivial crumbs of affection to keep them towing the line.

A secure, well rounded person with good self esteem would have found out he had lied and walked away as they know they are worth better than a liar. They wouldn't be here 3 years in dithering about whether they should lend an emotionally abusive arsehole a big chunk of their life savings when he treats them so badly. ( and I don't mean that to be horrible, I really feel for you being treated so poorly)

Sallysoup · 22/04/2024 07:20

This sounds like a terrible idea. You are prolonging the inevitable, his company is not viable and he has no cash flow. He will be deep into sunk cost territory and reluctant to admit this, but do not lend him the money, especially if lenders with the access to credit check his company have turned him down.

bumbledeedum · 22/04/2024 07:23

Never heard such rubbish. Businesses don't operate by invoices months (years?!) down the line for work already undertaken and then wait some more indeterminate time longer to actually be paid.

Yes some/most companies have prohibitions on 'other work' being undertaken while employed but generally it's limited to needing permission. Apart from some very limited exceptions no company is going to refuse him permission to being a director of a company while finalising outstanding invoices.

Please don't believe this absolute rubbish.