Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

With the transactional nature of this arrangement in mind, you've presumably told your parents/PILs and won't be pissed off when they cut you out of the Will.

Thought not.

You "hope" you'll be able to help. May be you won't be able to, no-one knows what the future holds in terms go ability to cope.

A few posters have asked if you were enticed to move with offers of childcare. In your post above you say they offered one day before you moved. What triggered the offer @Theroadnottravelled?

I can assure you that the last thing I want is parents/in-laws involved in our lives. Being answerable to nobody is a wonderful situation to be in.

I feel your pain OP, my DM was still working ft when I had DS, but later when they were 6 & 4 she encouraged me to go for a " big job" with a significant commute, I had the option of staying local. She said they would help out ( by then retired), I think that lasted until October half term ( job started in September) even though they were school age. I think they is a gap between what they think they can manage and the reality.

Literally beg them to do it till September. Explain your financial situation. If they understand they are likely to continue or pay for it

Even if her parents aren't capable? My parents are the same age and if a two year old bolted, between my father's hip and my mother's own health problems, they couldn't keep up. My child's safety is worth more than that, as I'm sure OP's child's safety is to her.

It's not for the GPs to pay for either. Not their kids.

This is what I was thinking.

Conveniently they now you have near by to provide care as they get older.

I’d be making plans to move away. If you have a city job, are you having to commute?

The OP describes both parents as very fit and very active, playing golf often.

It does sound like they’ve got OP to move down down south under false pretences.

Wouldn’t dream of asking the GPs to pay. Look, I’ll have to suck it up and pay more fees as my dad has been clear but it’s a shame all round really. Yes I commute but my folks do 9am to 5pm as my DH is there. I’d go part time in a heartbeat but we just can’t afford it. The south coast is v expensive (as is London) COL wise.

They’ve already been doing the childcare for a year though and are within their rights to change their mind. And playing golf isn’t comparable to looking after a 2 and 4 year old all day.

I think you need a conversation with your Mum. At least explain that it takes time to find childcare, as it gets booked up. They might just have to accept that their current commitment will need to continue until the older one starts school in September.

Are you happy where you are?

Or do you feel obliged to be there for your parents?

If you want to move to make the commute easier, you should totally move, don’t stay because of your parents.

No one said they’re not within their rights, but op has described them as very fit and very active, and she knows them best.

I think they have behaved quite badly.

Golf is very different. Even my parents could play golf. You don't have to be very mobile or move fast. It's really not that active a sport.

Moving anywhere for childcare is foolish. Circumstances can change. Your childcare can die or get sick. I talked to my own daughter and told her I was happy to help, but told her to take into consideration that my health could change or anything could change (because life happens), so there's no guarantees I'll always be able to do what I am able to do now. And I'm 20 years younger than OP's parents.

What does that mean though? My parents are very active. They garden, they fish, they go for walks, they go shopping, they visit people. None of that means their health is up to caring for preschoolers.

If OP really can't work it without her parents help, they are at least young enough that they can cut their losses and move somewhere cheaper.

I’m fit and active. Doesn’t mean a damn thing when looking after my own small children.

I also don’t think someone should move location for the sake of 1 day of childcare.

OP describes them as very fit and very active, and she knows them best.

It’s unfortunate OP has moved for them but she shouldn’t feel she can’t move away again if it makes her life easier.

Then they shouldn’t have enticed her to move closer by offering childcare.

Regardless, they are entitled to change their minds. And OP is entitled to move away to make her commute easier.

Recipe your or DH hours or compress them? 2 and 4 are hard ages. My two
Children are the same age. My parents can only ever have one at a time so 2yeae old does 4 days at nursery 4 year old three days at nursery 1 day with my mum and I work 4 days. It wasn't worth the extra day childcare for us for me to work 5 days. It's hard but I get it

I would look to cover the next 6 months between yourselves - annual leave for both parents, a few days from your parents and maybe a summer babysitter. Then from September you can put things in place

I'd describe my parents as fit and active, but I wouldn't leave my preschoolers with them. They're just not up to it and it wouldn't be safe.

Op's parents know themselves even better than she knows them. They have said they aren't up to it, so they're not. Things change.

They've probably thought about this for a while @Theroadnottravelled before actually saying it - you have to respect this, even if it makes your life harder/more expensive. Surely you realised that two people of that age potentially weren't going to be able to do this indefinitely? Them being active and enjoying golf etc doesn't mean it's also not too draining to be responsible for another little human for a whole day. Could either you or husband take a half day on a Friday?

If your commute makes life hard and you aren’t saving money by leaving London (having moved to somewhere equally expensive, but where you don’t have a friendship network), is moving back an option? Many London primary schools are going to be empty enough that there’s talk of closing some, so getting a school place for your 4 year old shouldn’t be an issue.

I do 1 day childcare because I’m able to do so. I’m semi retired already so have a couple of days spare. But oh my, it’s tiring! The eldest is at school and I look after them both in the holidays - that’s really hard work!