Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

My parents did a similar arrangement for me - still do - but as DC are 7 and 9 that day of help is now doing the school run. My mum was a bit younger that yours when it started though and as she's got older I've been careful about what I ask so I don't think it's unreasonable of them to be too tired to help. I compress 5 days in 4 so in the nursery years it was 3 days nursery, 1 day grandparents, 1 day me.

So they got you to move near them with the promise of free child care one day a week to balance out the longer commute, but that’s too much now you’ve moved and settled and presumably got a school place for dc1, locking you into this town.

id ask if they’d still look after dc1 until they start school and pay for dc2 for the extra day. You’ve not got long until school starts and childcare costs fall. Perhaps look at a childminder who can do the school run rather than a nursery and after school club to mean you only have one set of drops off and pick ups in September.

If they say NO than thats that.
I mean their parenting days are over its there time now.
You will have to find child care somewhere else.

Thanks. This is helpful.

Golf is a very different exhaustion to the unrelenting mental and physical pressure of 7 or 8 hours childcare.

They've already done a huge amount and shouldn't have to do a minute more. You chose to have children, OP, so you really are obligated to pay for appropriate childcare.

Your the parent you chose to have kids their your responsibility not your parents.
NO means NO.
I wont be doing child care at any age.

But surely you’ll now be getting the extra free government funded hours, so I’m not sure how you’d be worse off?

OP

And others here - NO OFFENCE To anyone.
We are asain, south asain and its in our culture to help our kids with their kids and the vast majority, well everyone we know ie family/relatives etc do this.
we were, one of us at least to leave work as soon as one our kids that lived near us was to have kids. We actually both left and help out with the kids, Eg drop off at school, nursery almost as and when required as long as our kids are not taking the p. one of our children lives about 8 doors down the road aH worked for a few months and at that time we also brought GC back hone until our DiL got back homw, showered and then making dinner. We ensured our GC were changed, fed, played etc and at times they would come over and pick up their kids or we would go over

As we are in our early 60's getting old it is harder and our son that lives a few doors down understands that and without asking us gets our GC extra classes at school etc so they often finish around five - so his OH can go and pick the kids up as she does not work and one of us do not have to go with her as parkings easier

To be clear, if we felt any of our kids, kids-in-law were taking the P, we'd say no

Possibly its a culture thing on the whole but not every case.

You didn’t get “hate”, you should see hate in this place! Anyway YANBU to have a moan on here, it’s good to get it out. I expect they did not realise the physical and emotional energy needed for 2 small children. A day feels long if you’re exhausted! Would they be willing to consider it as half days?

Jealousy doesn’t look good on you

Surely the real problem is the lack of affordable childcare?
Not to mention failure of gvt to respond appropriately to changing demographics!
With falling birthrates gvts need to be incentivising people to have children, not making life harder for them!!
You're in a tough situation op, I hope you can find a solution and I wish you all the very best.

I’m also south Asian and I certainly wouldn’t expect my parents to keep doing childcare if they made it clear they didn’t want to do it anymore. Even less likely that I would ask my parents to pay for childcare instead of doing it themselves. Quite shocked by that suggestion upthread!

You're lucky you get that. My parents never did any regular child minding. Not even an hour a week because they didn't want to "be tied". And they were in their 50s not 70s.

OP we are just a few years older than your parents and have been doing 2 days childcare a week for several years. We have 2 children, so this is one day a week per family.
Yes we get very tired and we are tired the day after childcare, but we do love to see our grandkids and we want to help our children.
If I were you I would certainly ask them to continue until September as someone has already suggested. I would also ask them if changing their hours would have any improvement. For us it is getting up early in the morning that we really hate. It may be late evenings that do it for your parents. If you find out maybe you could stagger your hours. Is it just your Dad who is complaining or is it your mother too?
Looking after young children is tiring at any age. We are quite fit and do lots of walking but this is very different from looking after children.
In a few years all our grandchildren will be at school and we will just be needed after school and holidays. You must have been hoping that your parents will help you out with that as well. I don’t think it is unreasonable for grandparents to help out. Our grandchildren’s other grandparents do childcare too. However, on this site you are told you shouldn’t expect it.

I wouldn't ask them to pay for the extra childcare. It's not their responsibility. When I talked to my own daughter about childcare for her children I did say to her, "but please keep in mind that life can change, health can change, so you need to consider that possibility when making decisions."

My parents are 70 and there's a lot going on with changes in their health. I don't think they would be safe to look after preschoolers for more than an hour or two, and that's if they are together. They are also rather active and busy in their own way. They don't do golf, but even if they did, I think that would be very different with sit downs in between, no need to be able to quickly run after a child, they can opt out if it gets too much.

If your parents are saying they can't do it, then I would take them at their word. There may be safety issues involve for your children, and you don't want that. I'm sure they have good reasons behind it.

I actually thought my parents were quite young but it seems not

You said they are around 70; that is very much not young to be grandparents of a 2 year old! Most first-time grandparents I know are late 50s to early 60s, with plenty younger than that.

Mid fifties here, and I find 2 and 4 year olds bloody knackering for an afternoon. Looking ahead 15 years and for a full day… I shudder to think.

That is hard op and I understand your frustration because you moved closer to them. But 2 children with that gap are very full on. The 2 year old needs watching like a hawk and the 4 year old needs a great deal of attention still. My mum helps me out with childcare a lot, but before my children started school I very rarely asked her to look after them both for a whole day. I was very aware of how much of a handful they can be.

Would they be able to compromise or is it all or nothing? i.e would they be willing to just look after the 2 year old, or could they do a school run for your 4 year old when they start school? You may find that they are still wanting to help in some way even if it is not as much as they were doing before.

I would say, a 2 or 3 yo is a huge risk to being left with someone who is in 70s all day. those toddlers change directions seconds, they can run away fast too; and tiring, and demanding- asking for toy A which they immediately throw away the moment you hand it to them. I am surprised op doesn't see this. kudos to your parents for having the guts to safeguard their health. please don't push them.

it is not that the kids are 2. the older one going to school would be easier to handle. pay for nursery I am afraid.

If you're working long hours plus commute how long a day is their childcare? I guess you will have to come back when you're 70 and see how tiring you find a day with a 2 and a 4 year old. You seem to be annoyed because you moved nearer them, did you move for the childcare? Because if you hadn't moved you would have been paying London nursery prices full-time for the last year. Have you talked with your parents about possible help with school drop offs and pick ups from September?

it might have been cheaper cost of living where they were, before moving to be closer to their parents with the promise of childcare!

When my children were little, my dad was looking after my mum who had motor neurone disease. We didn’t live close to any other family. We managed to look after our children ourselves and I supported my mum and dad.

Bottom line is they prefer golf over childcare. It's drudgery
^
Oh come on. There is a mental load to looking after two kids that simply does not exist in golf

^
Yeah I meant childcare is drudgery, not golf. Golf just spoils a good walk

Absolutely no-one has expressed hate.

Sorry op i also think YABU.

I say kudos to your parents for being honest and admitting it’s too much.

The issue here is the ages of your children. 2 and 4 is a bloody nightmare of a combination.

Yes, as a PP rightly said, 70 is on the older end of having a 2 year old grandchild in this current generation. I’d say my friends who get more childcare have parents around 5-10 years younger.

I would let them enjoy retirement, but also ask if they are still willing to be around for example, for the odd day if one of them gets sent home from nursery, or for the odd couple of hours so you can go on a date, or when you’re ill.

Your issue with money/job/childcare is something literally all of us are dealing with and having to manage. Pretty much all my mum friends including myself have had to cut down our work hours.