Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

At almost 70 I can understand why. My mum won’t offer to have her much younger new grandson as she’s now 70 compared to 40 when her oldest GC were born. I get it’s disappointing but I’m sure you didn’t move just for 1 days childcare. Maybe they can help a bit more when it’s just school pick up but they are getting on.

My parents were in their 50s when my children were that age, no way would I have expected (or wanted) them to be looking after them at that age if they were in their 70s!

There’s a very good reason why older people can’t have children OP. I wouldn’t expect my elderly relatives to look after my dc. I’d prefer they spend their retirement doing what they want. They are happy to visit and I’m happy to visit them. My dc haven’t missed out on their GP’s love and attention.

OP
Please listen to your parents!!
They would not have just something like that if they had a choice

When you are older, you can get worn out quickly

Nope, MIL didn’t do that for me 😂 DH could of course do elder care… but he most likely won’t. My side will be able to pay for carers.

Plus, I’ll be busy with my own grandchildren when they’re in their dotage.

I'm sure it's disappointing but it's saved around 10 grand so there's that.

If they'd do occasional sickness cover and/or INSET when school starts, could be more useful long term?

If you use their 15 and 30 hours at nursery cant you use 3 of those to put them into preschool in the morning they go. But ask that they still have them all day in school hols when you are at work and dont have holiday. Surley thats the cheapest option, it will mean you have to pay for 3 hours extra at nursery but its cheaper than a full day!

Grandparents providing any babysitting is a huge bonus. If they are still available for emergencies and the occasionally date night, then you are extremely lucky.

budgeting for child care is just one of those things you have to do. It’s very, very tight for a few years. That doesn’t make it your parents’ responsibility.

I'm 70 and more than happy to do a day a week so I don't think it is just age. Some children are more demanding than others, some people have health issues and some might not want to do it.

Seems a shame if they can't do the few months till the eldest starts school as it will obviously make a difference when you only have one to pay for but if they can't/won't that's it really.

Is there any flexibility in your working hours, I mean could one of you have a late start on their day and one finish early? Lots of places offer flexi now and maybe shortening the day would help keep it going till August? Or could you and DH book some half day holidays, I know it is hard using holiday this way but could it get you through. I'm assuming the 2 year old getting the funded hours and the eldest starting school is going to help.

I hope you can get through this, it is an expensive time.

That's fair enough then it's your DH who owes them

Wow. I expected hate and totally got it. I’m very grateful that my folks have done us this favour. I can’t do compressed hours (I’ve asked) I have a city job so it’s super stressful with long hours anyway. I realise I’ll have to sort it, I just feel gutted as really don’t want my kids in nursery full time (not to mention the cost) but I have to pay the mortgage. My parents did offer the day before we moved, yes. I actually thought my parents were quite young but it seems not (some with grandkids in their 40s etc) I totally respect their decision, just wanted a bit of empathy that’s it’s going to be tough getting through it. We’re living quite a basic life as it is.

Children do not "owe" their parents for basic parenting things done for them when they were too young to look after themselves.

Why would you flame her for that though? I never had any childcare help from my parents, but I'd feel a bit aggrieved if they'd led me to believe they would help out and then gone back on the offer. There's not much you can do about it, but its not unreasonable to be miffed!

Fair point

I mean, YANBU because you are just having a little moan on here - it's not like you're being actively pissed off towards your parents.

It's frustrating when people say they'll do something and then back out, you are allowed to feel how you feel. Like you said, you'll just have to find a way to manage.

MN has such a weird view on people getting childcare from their family. Like, how dare anyone get something that they didn't personally get. It's insane.

My parents did similar with our kids but they offered to pay for the extra day/morning/afternoon nursery fees etc so that was nice. They paid us about £200 a month for a year and then once the kids went to school they did school runs and had them from 3pm til 6pm for us and fed them, bathed them etc it was lovely and such a good bonding time. If you have that sort of relationship with them could you say 'we really can't afford more nursery and we both can't change our hours we are really stuck any way you could temporarily help us out financially til the eldest goes to school?' I definitely have that sort of relationship with my parents but they offered anyway.

It’s interesting. I have neighbours and friends who get quite a bit more childcare than a day a week from grandparents/inlaws. It’s considered very normal. But MN think it’s an abomination. I suppose it’s unfortunate that DHs parents live the other end of the country but even if they lived close by, they wouldn’t have offered childcare.

They haven't backed out they've done it a year and now reviewed it

Yes me too but it's going to vary very much per grandparent and it's very mucha BIG favour

Surely when you decided to have children you worked out your budget? If the decision was reliant on free family childcare being available then I’m afraid you’ve been reckless.

We haven’t received a single hour of free family childcare but we planned for that eventuality both financially and logistically before we had our DC.

Im afraid you either need to pay for more commercial childcare or work less. Its not your parents problem to resolve.

@patchworkpal sorry, they've backed out after a year. Is that better?

Unless, of course, they stated that they'd only do it for a year.

I don't think it should have been assumed it would be a forever thing

I see you've got one of those very new dictionaries in which hate is defined as "people not agreeing with me".

They are relatively young I think. My DPs managed two years of a day a week and they were a bit older than yours. But it was term time only and 8 till 3. I think 3-6pm is definitely the hard bit.

2&4 yr old are very very emerge and in no way compare to playing golf at your own leisure. I do believe it’s a lot for them. My ILs (who are also very active and healthy) help once in a while (never a whole day! and not every week)- they are wiped out; also we only have one DC so I can only imagine 2.