Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

Then they shouldn’t have enticed her to move closer by offering childcare

She shouldn't have moved based on being offered just one day of childcare a week.

My 70 yr old mum has been surprised how hard she has found taking care of her 2 yr old GD. She is utterly exhausted after a day of it.
I think you’ll just have to suck it up and arrange other childcare.

I've heard lots of people say similar. I think often people have the best of intentions and then the reality is a lot harder than they had envisaged.

Exactly this, Grandpatents forget how full on it is they want to help then realise after a few months it's too much.
Some on Mn always want to turn it round to some evil care plan which is ridiculous especially when you read them on other threads saying how hard it is parenting yet someone 40 plus years older should find it a breeze.

My parents look after DD2 aged 2 for 2 days while we work and they enjoy it, but they are in their 60s, which must make a big difference. They looked after DD1 for 3 years before she started school, but have never looked after both DCs for a whole day (when theyve had both It's usually once DD2 is sleeping). I think that would be too much to ask. With the smaller age gap childcare was bound to be a challenge. It's not long until your older child will be in school, so I would take the childcare hit for that short period using loans, mortgage break and cutbacks.

It is tiring looking after young children, at any age, but I hope I'm not offending anyone or being ageist by saying that it generally gets even harder as the caregiver ages. I base this partly on having heard the struggles/real feelings of some doting grandparents, many of whom really do want to help but who also find it overwhelming at times.

YABU you can’t expect them to do more than they can cope with. They are 70 years old and you will need to find an alternative solution as they just won’t be up for regular childcare. They are your children and your responsibility. Reduce or compress your hours at work and do 4 days like so many others do.

Just saw you can’t compress. I’d expect your costs are lower than living in London though. I think either get a sub or loan from grandparents or just pay it from savings or even debt and then repay once kids are older.
Can you get a different city job where you can WFH 3 days a week or so?

I think the reason you've had negative responses is because of your sense of entitlement about it. ANY amount of childcare is a total bonus and blessing, there should be zero expectations to that.

Financially you have to cover 4 more months and then one child is at school anyway. You had 12 months of subsidiesed childcare which is quite significant (8 days total per month), I am sure you can manage 4 months. Plus you should get funded hours for both of them. Sorry but it was always unrealistic to build your career by relying on your elderly parents with no backup.

They did offer a day but you always need a plan B. What if they got cancer? Died? Had an accident? Anything can happen. I offered my daughter more than a day but cautioned her that things could change in a way I couldn't foresee, so she should plan for me no longer being able to do what I would have wanted.

Cheers for the very grown up response, I won't lower myself.

I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week

They've told you it's too much and this was your response.

I am 60 - yes, I look youngish and fit and my husband is a few years older. There is a reason though women who are 60+ don't have children naturally. We are simply too tired and old to look after them. I'd adore to be a grandmother but I'd like to be able to hand them back to their parents at the end of the day. My mother did come and stay when the children were little in her early seventies when we used to go away on holiday over winter but there was a live-in nanny to provide the heavy lifting and my mother just got to enjoy spending time with the children. I left the freezer fully stocked with casseroles etc so she didn't have to worry about cooking. I think it is quite reasonable your parents are finding it too much.

OP, I have just noticed from one of your updates that they look after the children at your home and your husband works at home. For many reasons we do find it much less tiring to look after the grandchildren at our own home. I assume your husband works at home. They will also have the stress of making sure the children do not disturb him. Could your husband drop the children off at their house before he starts work?

I would ask them if they can manage until September. It's only another 4 months and means that older DD will be in school when they finish.

Or alternatively it could be that looking after two is too much for them and could maybe look after one instead so at least you would only have half the additional costs.

It is difficult to look after two young DCs when you are a bit older my SIL does a lot for her DGCs but have struggled when DNephew and his DW had second DC and expected her to do the same amount of childcare as before. Also with two it's likely that the man needs to be involved and and generally have less patience for young DCs.

At the risk of being told to fuck off, my DHs parents are fit and healthy and close to 70, they go out and about each day. However, there's no way they'd be minding a child for a whole day once a week as I know it would be a lot for them. However my parents at the same age would handle it fine. You just need to respect that.

I think you’re getting a hard time OP. I understand why you are disappointed and having a vent… they offered something and have taken it away fairly abruptly. You know you’ll sort it but it’s still a shame

Aren't you the charmer?! Totally unnecessary response.

I get your disappointment. It's annoying that they offered and then changed their minds, it's another massive expense to worry about, and also it must sting a bit that they don't enjoy looking after their grand children. That is an unpopular opinion though obviously 😂this is mumsnet where any expectation of support from your parents is wholly unreasonable and very entitled. Meanwhile in the real world its perfectly normal and most people do it where they can.

Did they say they don't like looking after their grandchildren? Or did they say they are finding it too much? So it's definitely normal to expect your parents to look after your child even when they've told you it's too much?

It wasn't entitled to take up their original offer of childcare.
It's not entitled to feel frustrated/disappointed that the situation has now changed and that they can no longer provide what was initially offered.
It is however entitled to assume that you have a right to any of their time - if they are in their 70s and still enjoying hobbies then that's great, but enjoying hobbies is not the same as dedicating a whole day to look after a child.
It was also a bit naive not to think ahead and wonder if the arrangement would work out long time.

I couldn't do it. I used to have one grandchild for half a day when I was younger and less unfit and that was exhausting.

It has probably been very difficult for them to admit they can't manage, to themselves and to you. I can understand that you are disappointed but don't make this worse for them! They are getting to the stage where they could reasonably expect some help from you, instead of giving you help.

Presumably if its "too much" then it isn't enjoyable 🙄I'm not saying they should do it anyway, I'm saying I understand where op is coming from. No one is going to hold a gun to their head and force them to do childcare. Most people I know who are local to their parents do get some form of help, yes. Lots of grandparents even enjoy doing it.

Being too much and being enjoyable is 2 different things. You're totally twisting it saying they don't enjoy it. It doesn't matter what most people get or don't get, they've told OP it's too much for them.