Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

I think you should appreciate the help you’ve had. At their age a 2 and 4 year old is a lot all day. My parents have never helped me once with my now 5yo and are both retired and have ZERO hobbies!

I think if they are coming to you they must have thought long and hard, you have to respect what they are asking, looking after small children is exhausting at any age and definitely different from pursuing hobbies you have chosen.

Both compress hours? 10 days in 9 with every other Friday off?

Tiring maybe, but it can be very boring. They'd rather do other things with their retirement. Fair enough really.
My mum wouldn't do one hour a week that I needed. Ad hoc yes, regular routine childcare no. And I wouldn't want to commit to that either.

They offered and I’d never expect more. doesn't sound like it. They've done a year now they are saying it's too much. Don't you like them? Don't you believe them? What was your plan before you had kids? You must have thought hang on what if they don't do this childcare can we still afford it. You're the parents. Step up physically or financially.

Once a week on the same day is quite a commitment and I can see how it could easily become quite constraining and tiring.

I do think it is a bit of a shame considering you actually moved to be closer to them...but you do have to accept it.

You either suck up the extra cost of reduced your hours.

Are you parents generous or financially able to help you with the cost of childcare?

I mean there's something I never thought needed saying :D

I’m 53 and looking after kids that age would mentally wear me out even for half a day, so can’t imagine a whole day every week.

So you'd rather it's their personal life that suffers? Get a grip

A 2 and a 4 year old every week for a full day for a year? Sometimes I think mumsnet is a parallel universe, my fit and active MIL who works a physical job and walks everywhere finds her grandchildren tiring and she's only 55. I could honestly never ask so much from someone as you have done op. This is what nursery is for. My eldest is nearly 6 and the only time I've ever had help was when I was giving birth to my youngest.

2 and 4 are really tiring ages. I found mine hard work at that point and they are my own actual children, plus I'm a lot younger than 70! If they are saying it's too much then they mean it.

You'll need to pay for it, or cut your work hours like most other people do. We have no family help (three children all pretty close in age - it's too much to ask of anyone) so reduced/compressed hours at work and pay for the rest. It's what a lot of people do.

Yabu, if it’s too much for them they shouldn’t do it. You’ve had a year of them doing a day a week for you, that’s great, and they’re still offering half a day. We’ve never had any help with childcare, I’d love to be offered half a day.

My parents are a similar age to yours and look after DS 21 months every Tuesday for us since I went back to work last sept. It saves childcare cost and tips the balance between family time and childcare the right way for us as I work 4 days so that's 3 days for him in childcare. I know they find it tiring and I couldn't imagine if we had 2 children to be honest. It's crossed my mind whether they'll be able to do this for another couple of years until DS starts school or not and it will only be him.
Others have made good suggestions in terms of how to cover the gap. Can you talk to your parents about what they find hard? It might be there's another solution or compromise that is suitable for your family. It sounds like they want to help so surely they'll be open to finding the best way forward for you all.

My parents are early 70s and very fit and healthy. They've looked after my son once a week since he was about 18 months old, he's 4 now. I know they absolutely could not cope with 2, especially where both kids are active but with different needs.

They've done you an absolute solid the last year or so but if it's too much then that's that. I'd be grateful they're being honest actually and not taking on too much. Playing golf is nothing like as exhausting as looking after 2 young kids all day!

@plumblina same, I'm 34 and absolutely knackered from looking after my own kids (similar ages) all day!

Yabvu. Your parents have been incredibly helpful to you and if they don’t want to do it anymore, that’s their prerogative.

What would you have done if your parents hadn’t “offered” childcare? Considering you can’t afford to pay for the childcare you need?

I'm a decade younger than them, and could not manage a whole day with a 4 yo and a 2 yo. I'm not surprised they've said it's too much.

I think you genuinely have no idea how exhausting small DC are once you reach a certain age. Strolling round a golf course is much, much easier! It's the mental exhaustion of small children that is too much, however 'fit' you are at 70.

You don't mention if your parents made promises before you moved (although you presumably couldn't have afforded childcare in London, if you can't afford it now)? Otherwise your post rather reads that your frustration is that your parents are not prepared to do you what is rather a big favour. Chances are they've thought long and hard before saying it's too much for them.

Bottom line is they prefer golf over childcare. It's drudgery
I would as well if I was 70!!

+1

my DM was making cats bum face I wouldn’t let her do “even one day a week” as she wanted to look after DD Full time when I went back to work.

DD is 2 and fairly decent behaviour wise.
DMs protestations are much quieter, she won’t take her anywhere, doesn’t like to babysit her and will barely do a bath time when she visits as she finds it tiring but won’t admit it.
She also hates all kids shows and does a running commentary of how much she hates them when visiting which in all honesty is more annoying than fucking peppa pig the show.

I can understand you’re upset/disappointed by the change. The reality though is that most people we know don’t get any consistent help.

We’ve had nearly no childcare help from grandparents. I think 24 hours once and 6 hours another time when we had 1 DC. Then 8 hours twice when we had 2 DCs.

On the plus side, that’s the same amount of elder care help I’ll be offering them in return 😂

I can’t wait for grandchildren and hope we’ll be able to do a day or 2 a week to help.

They've clearly thought about it and decided they can only offer half a day so it would be bang out of order to try and talk them out of that

Surely the 4yo is going to school in September, so it’s only until then, and your bill will reduce massively?

Long days with kids are exhausting, yabu to be annoyed.

On the plus side, that’s the same amount of elder care help I’ll be offering them in return 😂 HILARIOUS.

Did they not raise you and wipe your bum when you were growing up?

I look after grandson 4 and he wears me out. I'm considerably younger than your parents as well. No way would I manage full days with a 4 and a 2 year old. Your parents have had enough so you need to look for an alternative.