Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

A stairgate costs about £20.

Unfortunately, I do know this all too well.

My mother has to wear a fall alarm. My father has mobility problems. Both are because they are aging. Yet they are active in their own way. Yes, not every 70 year old has these problems but some do. For those who do, it is not selfish or unreasonable to admit they are not up to caring for young children safely.

By the same token, I wouldn't have left my young kids with a 40 year old I know who is at risk of losing consciousness due to a medical condition. It's just not safe.

Yes it is ability not age that counts.

1 day, TWO adults, NEAR the age of 70, VERY ACTIVE, VERY FIT.* these above words have been pulled from the original post.*

Correct, but as has been pointed out multiple times, everyone has different definitions of fit and active, and something that's manageable at 60 or even 65 isn't necessarily going to be manageable at 70.

I've noticed my dad in particular age rather rapidly between 65 and 70. He still runs up mountains daily and is incredibly active but he tires quickly, has aching joints and has started needing a nap in the afternoons.

I don't think he'd happily manage looking after a 2 and a 4 year old all day (even if he had help). Would he do it in an emergency? Absolutely. But not on a regular basis - it would be too much.

Gosh, you are a piece of work!

YABVU people's energy levels drastically drop as they age. Don't you want them to enjoy their GC than regarding them as a chore?

OP is talking about HER very own parents, not yours , not mine.

She is in good stead to comment on her parents as she has done. And from which it has been inferred they are colossally selfish.

My parents used to look after my brother's children. I lived a long way away so didn't have that benefit, but it did mean that I used to have to listen to my mum moan about how hard it was and my dad moan about how tired my mum was (they were both retired and both did equal amounts with the children, it's just that my dad was much fitter than my mum).

So I think it's better when GP can just say 'no, it's too much, we can't manage' rather than do it and yet be grudging about it or, even worse as in the case of my parents, appear to be happy to do it, whilst complaining to every one who will listen.

And it may be the 'set day' nature that's really the problem. Having even one day a week when you can't spontaneously do what you want and worrying about booking a holiday ("what will they do with the children?") off the cuff or even going off out with friends. When you're retired, part of the joy of life is being able to just decide at the drop of a hat to do something. When you have caring responsibilities, even one day a week, it means the rest of your time becomes more regimented. And maybe they don't want that.

So are you 🤷‍♀️
as i said, you can’t have your cake and eat it…

I'm well aware she's talking about her own parents, and I'm really not understanding why so many people think they're selfish.

They're approaching 70 and no longer feel capable of looking after two small children for a whole day every week - I think that's totally understandable and not something anyone should be bashing them for.

They did a lovely thing by offering some childcare to their daughter - and unfortunately they now feel like it's too much, and for some reason they're being slammed for that because "they're active and can still play golf" ffs.

I genuinely can't imagine thinking my parents are selfish because they're no longer able or willing to provide me with free childcare once a week.

I really don’t know what you are talking about! You label me ‘selfish’ because I saidI might not have the energy to safely mind my darling GS in another ten months time. Just how is that selfish? I would LOVE to be able to do it, but if I can’t I will say so. Maybe I will manage for a while and then have to stop. I believe my DS and DDiL would understand and not label
me ‘selfish’.

And many can't open them with Arthritic fingers even some are hard to open if your fit.
Why ignore the question and put a price on a stair gate which is irrelevant
Are you honestly as fit as you were in your 50s?

I haven't told my 30 year old all my health issues I haven't told them about my knee locking like it's dislocated and the agony it can be to straighten it or my fingers no longer bending without me clicking them straight in the morning....why would I need to burden them with their dad's aortic aneurysm until we need to?
Why do you assume the ops parents are not the same? They have said it's too much should they produce a GP letter to confirm it?

Paying for nursery for 4 full days for 2 children is crippling. For most people. I do it for 1 dc and that amounts to £1800 a month- boom.

Not sucking it up until September, Im afraid is selfish. Especially if per OP's admission they are very fit and very active.

My mother is 73, a widower and she minds my 2 yr old toddler a whole day , other 4 days shes at nursery. She does this because I have no cover whatsoever and cant afford to pay £2166 for 5 full days. My mother isnt very fit or very active, shes just ok. And she certainly doesnt play golf:)

She keeps dd safe. clean and fed and watered. they dont leave the house for the day most times.

This is why I think its selfish. OP cant afford to put both of them in nursery for an additional day.

I'm the grandmother in this scenario. Now 68 and DGC 6 and 3. We don't do childcare as such any more as both at school/pre-school during term time but do have them during school holidays. They come to us for a few days as we don't live on the doorstep and it is very hard work. 3 year old wakes me up at 6.30 a.m. with a big smile on his face ready to play! It is gradually getting easier as they get older but we are getting older too! One of them at a time is much more manageable but youngest wouldn't want to come on his own and wouldn't want to be left behind either.

Personally I think it's incredibly selfish to put all that on your "just okay" 73 year old mother.

I hope she's genuinely happy to be doing all that work for you and isn't feeling forced into it, because it's certainly not her fault you can't afford full-time childcare.

This is why I think its selfish. OP cant afford to put both of them in nursery for an additional day. they will know that. It won't be something they decided lightly. It's not the job of grandparents to plug the gap. If they can't sfford childcare they need a better job or to quit

@fieldsofbutterflies My mother was the one earlier on in the posts that said the GPs were wholly unreasonable.

She adores it. But considering all 70 year olds and even 60s year olds that are known to this forum have some major debilitating ailment or another, I think 'just okay' is rather good going!

So erm go and twist someone else's post to suit your thinking. Because everything is tickety boo right here

lol, it's not "twisting your posts" to think you're massively taking advantage of your elderly mum.

re. harping on - presumably they wanted to see more of their grandchildren and daughter anyway, the childcare was hardly central to their thinking. As I said, only one day a week isn't going to make a massive difference, and moving just for that seems very risky.

Exactly.

I also think, as adult children, we have a duty to say "actually no, it's not fair to expect them to do that" even if they are the ones who offered, if that makes sense.

Because as can be seen from some of the comments upthread, some parents will offer even though they're clearly struggling and unhappy, because they feel like it's the right thing to do and I think it's totally wrong to take advantage of that kindness.

Why can't the OP get a job closer to home if it's so stressful?

No wonder you think it’s selfish - you are one of the people benefiting hugely from elderly parents providing free childcare.

At the end of the day, OP not being able to afford nursery is not anyone else’s responsibility. What’s “selfish” is wanting elderly parents to pick up the slack, when they had no say in you having children in the first place.

Good for you if your mum is still willing to do it. Many others would not, and that is perfectly understandable- definitely not “selfish”. 🙄

I doubt your mother 'adores' it as much as you like to think she does. But she knows if she expresses her true feeling, you would react as the OP has.

What would you say to her if she told you she is no longer up to it?

The sort of person who takes advantage of elderly parents for free childcare does not care about the grandparents' enjoyment, just about the money they save.