Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

Perhaps it was more of a joint enterprise in the OP's family.

Not everyone assumes childcare and domestic gatherings etc are woman's work I find it odd to say children are nothing to do with men and only a woman's role

I didn't say that. My husband has always and still is, very involved with the DGC, with and without me. But in the OP's circumstances then I'd have been the 'primary' if you like

Why is not fine? OP’s parents are the ones who suggested they move closer and offered to help out with childcare (unless I’ve misunderstood), so why can’t she be disappointed in them?

You have misunderstood.

I have a 7 year old who has never, ever been looked after by family members. Ever. Not one single time. One set of grandparents can’t help because of ill health while the other set is younger, healthy, at the gym 5 days per week etc. I don’t resent them at all for not offering to help - it’s their life. I absolutely adore my child and would do anything for them BUT I’m an older mum and by the time my child has kids, I’ll probably be in my late 60s/early 70s and I don’t think I’d want to do regular childcare then either! I find looking after a child all day quite tiring now so I don’t think I’d want do it in my 70s. Pootling around a golf course is entirely different from the demands of looking after a 2 year old. Why not ask them to do evening baby stoning so you can go out? You’ll still benefit from being near them but in a way that works for both of you.

Exactly. OP should have no qualms about moving away to make her commute easier, and better to do it before her parents start relying on her for care.

And if they demand half a day with dd and they can fuck off if it makes OP’s life harder.

Theyre physically active, play golf most weekends , have a whopping 6 days to themselves and good for them, they deserve to enjoy their retirement. But who doesnt want to help their DD?

But this! OP, move if it makes your life easier, move away from them and let them fend for themselves when theyre old if they cant help with one day a week. The 4 yr old will soon go to school , September I expect.

To be clear, my parents offered the childcare sometime before we moved. They were very keen to have us local (house hunted, looked at nurseries, all off their own wishes, not from me) and wanted a close relationship with their grandkids, whom they adore.

I wouldn't have moved specifically to their area if not for the childcare but always wanted to return to the south coast eventually.

Both from the OP’s posts, what have I misunderstood?

Agreed!

What they mean is now she is there she needs to stay so that the grandparents can see their grandchild and for OP to provide care to her parents when they need it. Because women not providing care is ‘petty’ but grandparents not doing childcare is their right.

My DM was severely taken advantage of, because she was a widower, my DB and his wife thought lets take the colossal Piss. She used to get up at 6am to get my niece ready for nursery , fed , and drive her to nursery for 830 20minutes away, go pick her up at 12 and then take care of her after nursery until 4pm. And my niece is a fking nightmare!!

when they went out, they would leave her with DM. and this carried on for 1.5 yrs

I would not stand for that.

This however, is the other side of the spectrum. Posters are talking about their ailments, that theyre 72 yrs old. LOOK at the post... theyre physically FIT, play GOLF most weekends.

I’m 60 very soon. No health issues. I find one day a week hard going with just one 3 year old. Certainly wouldn’t want to look after two.
Ambling round a golf course is very different to managing two energetic youngsters. They’re telling you because they need to.

Golf isn't that demanding. Even my father could play golf with his health and mobility issues.

Golf is as demanding as you make it. My in-laws at this age wombled around nine holes, meeting up with other golfers.

They maybe rowing because grandpa buggers off and leaves grandma with both of them. His attitude I'm going to enjoy my retirement. That happens a lot. Then grandma is stressed out about the situation so grandpa's solution, stop having the kids.

My grumpy grandpa was like this, everything revolved around him. He'd tolerate us at Christmas, Easter but never put himself out once. Granny was lovely on the other hand.

@Theroadnottravelled so maybe this might be happening.

The disappointment is understandable but I very much doubt one day free childcare is a reason for anyone to move their whole life anywhere. I also doubt that the free day of childcare could be the straw that would break the camel's back financially. If so, then it's really risky planning as relying on a family member for childcare rather than a professional setting will always be precarious as they may get ill or otherwise incapacitated.

It's a difficult situation all round, but best to just move on now in the interests of a harmonious family life. The internal dynamics between the OP's parents could well be a factor, but the message she has received from them seems unequivocal.

I wouldn’t have moved specifically to their area if not for the childcare

TBH I think that you made a pretty daft decision and are now trying to blame your parents for it.

Moving your entire family just because you were offered one day a week of free childcare is absolutely bonkers thinking.

LOOK at the post... theyre physically FIT, play GOLF most weekends.

Golf is the probably the least strenuous activity there is and has absolutely no relevance to them not wanting to provide any childcare.

I'd also say that "fit" when you're seventy is very, very different to "fit" at fifty or even sixty.

Maybe the helping with childcare offer was meant in the way I can help if lo is sick, do a bit of babysitting now and then and op pushed for full days?

Op won't the savings on childcare for younger children offset the cost of the extra day? Wouldn't childcare where you used to live have cost you for the day you've saved over this lady year anyway?

So now it's all a grumpy man's fault...where has op said her dad is horrible.....and if he were who would leave kids with him

Come September the problem will sort of be solved except I've no idea what @Theroadnottravelled is going to do in half term, and other holiday dates, never mind what happens when they're ill.

We've had phone calls, child X is unwell the school have phoned can you pick them up mum. Which of course we do. (Note to self Calpol is running low)

You’re probably right!

Again, the OP has said, ‘I wouldn't have moved specifically to their area if not for the childcare but always wanted to return to the south coast eventually.’

I can see how the offer of one day free childcare would persuade the OP to move when this is something she had wanted to do anyway. However, she wouldn’t have moved to their specific area.

If your parents are harping on about wanting to look after DC, looking at homes to purchase in the area and so forth, I don’t see how it’s risky taking their word for it. It certainly isn’t wrong to then be disappointed that the offer has been withdrawn AFTER the move

You literally just made that up