Re my parents and childcare

[Theroadnottravelled]

I think I’m going to get blasted for this but my lovely parents are being frustrating imo. Me and DH moved from London to the south coast to be near them. We have 2 girls, 2 and 4. Both in nursery 4 days a week as we both work FT. My parents do a day for us, have done for a year. They offered and I’d never expect more. I am grateful. My dad has now said it’s too tiring for them to do all day so will do half. So we have no cover and can’t really afford more nursery. We get by but I felt that as there are two of them, almost 70 but very fit, play golf most weeks and are very active that it’s disappointing they won’t do the whole day once a week plus DD1 goes to school in sept.

Does she know them? No, thought not. Ridiculous statement.

If your parents are harping on about wanting to look after DC, looking at homes to purchase in the area and so forth, I don’t see how it’s risky taking their word for it.

It's risky because it's not the parents' lives who are being turned upside down as as a result of a house move - it's OP's.

If you're going to uproot your family, move schools/nursery, add on a massive commute to your day, then you need to do it for you, not because mum and dad have offered to look after your kids once a week.

I think you need to read the original post, OP says ' very active, very Fit', there are two of them.

I guess we are divided here. You either love your child and want to help , or you're utterly selfish parents and can't help a dd , given you are very active and very Fit and she can't afford an additional day for 2 children at nursery. Which where I am would be 200 pounds a day.

Yes, it may be a ridiculous statement to you..
Lets guess which camp you fall into?

Do you always see things in such black and white terms?

I probably appear fit; I do a dance class once or twice a week, lots of gardening… walks.. However I am not fit enough to run around after two small children for a whole day. No one knows the true level of fitness of these people and I think it is only sensible that they say they can’t cope if that is how they feel. I would love to have a chance to help my family by looking after my DGS when my DiL returns to work, but that’s another ten months down the line and I may not manage it. I hope I am not labelled ‘selfish’ if that is the case.

I'd be a bit annoyed, lured down with the offer of free childcare for a day a week now they can't be bothered. And you're in a worse financial position.

Have you played Golf?

No I asked the question of maybe it was meant like that. I didn't say it was just a possibility from the GPs view that got taken differently....as we can see here communication is difficult people understand things differently according to their point of view.

Collecting from school and a GP collapsed luckily in school not walking home with the 5 year old. It happens.

How old are you?

I think you need to read the original post, OP says ' very active, very Fit', there are two of them.

How are you defining "very fit and active"?. My dad will be 70 in a couple of months and I would describe him as very active - he runs up and down mountains everyday and is super fit.

However his knees aren't what they were, he's not as flexible as he was and he takes a nap most afternoons. He's certainly not as fit as he was five years ago - in fact, I'd say there's been a fairly obvious "decline" in that time even though he's still (what I consider) incredibly fit for his age.

Being capable of playing golf doesn't mean you're capable of running around after two small children all day, especially if that involves getting down on the floor with them, changing nappies, taking them on outings etc.

I sympathise @Theroadnottravelled . It's the attitude that each person have to sort things out for themselves and not be able to rely on their family and friends that causes a lot of stress and mental health issues.

What about when your parents get older - are you to not help them out as they should have sorted it themselves?

True however we don’t know when OP planned to move regardless of the offer for the childcare. Maybe it made more sense moving closer to her parents as she was going to move anyway. There’s a lot of factors included but I still completely understand where the OP is coming from

Some of you (not OP!) are being way too harsh calling the OP’s parents selfish and lazy.

@Theroadnottravelled is perfectly entitled to have an anonymous complain about a situation. I’m sure her parents won’t read it and even if they did, we are all entitled to our feelings. She’s not the one calling her parents out, she’s just talking about it. Only a saint wouldn’t feel miffed and disappointed at the worry of finding and funding an extra day per week of childcare!

It would be more selfish to go ahead with providing childcare if you felt you weren't up to it or couldn't do it safely.

As with childcare, it is reasonable to help according to your own ability to do so. If there are things you can't do, then it is not reasonable if you are expected to do them and something else will need to be sorted.

And yes, people should prepare as much as they can to provide for their own older years.

I wonder if there hasn't been an incident or two which gave them a fright. Perhaps a child running off Etc.

It's crossed my mind seeing some grandparents at the school gates..

I remember a chat with a granny at the park. She researched the safest parks, etc because she just couldn't run fast enough if they took off.

Well looking at the number of people who have ‘thanks’ my many quotes, it would seem that you are the person the ‘wrong’ attitude 🙄
and you should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself with your expectations ….disgraceful

Yep, let them go into a nice care home and spend OP's inheritance. Great idea!

I am on mat leave so see a lot of "Granny Daycare" out and about in my area. Some of it is extremely sub-par. Yesterday a set of grandparents were just allowing their 1 year old to stand on a chair at a soft play cafe and he was being aggressive with the smaller babies, stealing their toys, getting up in their faces. No intervention. In an entirely predictable and preventable scenario he finally faceplanted the floor at the end when they were busy and distracted getting their shoes back on.

It may be a blessing for you that they have actually told you they can't hack it rather than being oblivious to their own shortcomings and something happening later down the line.

It's not OP's inheritance. It's their money. Inheritance is what is left over, if anything, when the person who owns it has passed away. Before then, it's no-one's but the person's to do with what they like or is needed for care.

Surely that is why it is a great idea?

Whatever works for the family best. I just am amazed by the number of posts in many threads over time that talk about the parents' money like it's just on hold for them kids. If people are lucky there's something left over. If there isn't, they've lost nothing because it was never theirs to begin with.

Sorry yes this is selfish.

everyone has more energy for things they enjoy. Like a dance class which is obviously a more relaxing thing to do. Including parents of a child. And of course looking after a child is tiring.

selfish thinking is to do only things you enjoy because they don’t tire you out.
you can’t have your cake and eat it. Meaning: then embrace being selfish. Own up to it.