I don't really understand getting married

[Springisnear4]

I don't really understand the point of it other than it being a party and you get presents. I know some people do it on a budget but generally you spend loads of money, is it about showing your love to the world? I don't know, I don't get it.

Splurging on a wedding is not compulsory. Not sure how much it costs to get married in a register office but doubt it is very much. No need whatsoever for a big dress, a cake, a party or all the other things that so many feel are necessary.

If you don't want to get married fine but as long as you realise the possible future implications

My late husband and I got married 1) because we wanted to make a public declaration of our commitment to each other; 2) we each had problematic exes (we were both out of our pevious marriages by the time we met) and the legal security of marriage got rid of any potential ambiguities; 3) we wanted to.

We went to the registry office with two friends to act as witnesses and went for a pub lunch afterwards. It was the perfect wedding.

You don't understand why people would enjoy celebrating something by having a big party with all their friends and family? Honestly? What is there to understand? It's an exciting and fun thing to do! Expensive of course, but choosing to spend money (assuming you have it) on a big enjoyable occasion with people you like is not that hard to understand, surely?

That's great! Did you recruit them one day on here?

I need to know the full story.

In your view it's not romantic to get married but for many people it is.

Me and DH got married for romantic reasons not practical or legal reasons.

If a marriage lasts it can be romantic and certainly is not a noose around your neck.

£200 is a lot less than it cost to get all the legal benefits of being married, there is a free will month as well for the over 55s because they are so important

that said finding the money can gain so much, the tax benefits, pension of one dies, inheritance tax etc that actually are really worth it for low income earners. If one earns under the tax threshold and one over you can use the tax marriage allowance etc

dont get married then

You are confusing marriage with a wedding, as too many people do.

Marriage is a legally binding contract agreed between two people, that includes well defined, legal responsibilities for both parties towards each other and any children they may have.

A wedding is the act of agreeing that contract, often conflated to include a wildly expensive party. Sometimes additional responsibilities are also declared as part of a religious ceremony.

Lots of people talking about 'the financially weaker' or 'financially stronger' person in a relationship. But many people don't really have such thing, especially if they get married fairly young when careers have yet to develop.

Certainly we were equal when I got married, then thing snowballed over the years and due to our careers and preferences (and luck) one is in a far better paid job. Health, families etc all come into it too indirectly.

We would have not known at the outset about this, which is why going into it as 'we want things to be fair and shared' is sensible.

But presumably you understood and were happy with the legal consequences?

I think the issue here is my use of the word splurge? I suppose we have different ideas about what that means for us.

Me and DH got married for romantic reasons not practical or legal reasons.

Surely the ideal is a combination of these?

Splurge generally means to spend money extravagantly.

I don't think spending as little as £200 on a lifetime contract that protects both of you in the event of death and illness is seen as extravagant by the vast majority of people, really.

A 10k wedding to celebrate said contract, absolutely, but not a basic registry office ceremony in jeans and t-shirt followed by a drink down the pub.

Finally, women asking the right questions.

you’re right, beyond a piece of paper and a pie in the sky emotion (apparently love) it means nothing. It’s an antiquated process that serves a male a lot more than it serves you.

The point of getting married is like the purpose of life - it's mostly what you make of it together. For me, my marriage has been a place of peace in the storm of life. It's a piece of stability in the worst times and the greatest joy in the best of times. I've been married over 20 years and hands down marrying my husband is the best choice I've ever made. Every great choice I've made since was rooted in my marriage.

Part of it is also the legal contract that provides certain benefits and responsibilities in life and in death - you read some of the legal differences here:
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/  For some people, those don't matter or prefer similar protections for certain areas like wills can help with some of the issues there, though not all the ones related in death and there are cohabitation agreements that can give some protections. I personally feel that if someone isn't willing to put forth the effort for some legal protections for their partner for worst case scenarios - particularly the inevitable death - whether it's through marriage, civil partnership, or relevant legal paperwork, then their commitment isn't strong enough for me to take serious risks like moving in together permanently or having a child.

@TheWonderhorse i get all of that but the financial gains of a civil partnership/marriage in terms of tax and pension benefits may make it worthwhile in the future. If you are in it until death - what a marriage brings at that point is vital and really can financially help then.

I don’t get huge weddings, had a small simple affair myself but I do believe in the benefits marriage can bring

@Springisnear4 I was thinking of the same... and I am 44. In my situation, I've been married, we got divorced ages ago and have one child who is now 12. I was the bigger earner but the divorce was amicable and I didn't leave the marriage with less than I started with. I have bought another house (well, it is mortgaged which should be paid off when I am 57). My situation now is: I have a boyfriend who has two kids. He has no property and no savings. I love him but do I enter a marriage contract and pretty much sign my child's inheritance aka my house/savings to him and his two kids? I'm not sure love is enough. Marriage is great and rosy if you're both first timers, but what about those who have been around the block and have a bit more to protect, and both sides are not equal.

beyond a piece of paper legal contract

Are you honestly ignorant of the legal implications, or do you just not think they're important OP?

I see spending money we don't have unnecessarily as a splurge and an extravagance.

We don't own anything. We run a business together 50/50 partners and so have the same income to the penny. There's nothing to protect.

If we split up tomorrow then there is nothing to sort out financially except a tenancy agreement.

We don't have wills because there's nothing to leave to anyone, and while he does have a pension from previous employment, it's not much. I probably should look into getting that sorted.

After 47 years of marriage, married at 23, we have enjoyed ups, and downs. Everything we have now we have tge satisfaction of having worked together for. We love visiting places we visited together in our early days, heres a tip for younger people, take photos and makes notes if where you stay on holidays, we have forgotten the names of some of the early hotels we stayed at, one in Alcudia we have no idea of, be good to find it. However, back to the point. Marriage gives security to both parties, especially when children are involved. An early poster on this thread mentioned someone who will get half her husbands pension after they separated. The thing I don't understand is why people renew their wedding vows? Unless, of course, they have broken those promises and need to make a new start.

I don't think women should have children without getting married. Kids are hard, women are always left with the burden of childcare etc. at least if you are married he has shown some commitment to you and it's harder for him to leave without ensuring you are somewhat financially secure

@TheWonderhorse

Because if there is one person in a couple (hetero couple,) who doesn't want to get married; it is USUALLY the man. I have never met an unmarried couple (together for many years,) where it turned out the woman didn't want to get married (and the man did.)

I am sure they exist, I have just never met any/known any/known of any.

Also, there is never 'no need' to get married.

My dd is getting married she and her fiance are adament marriage first, and hopefully babies in a year or two. No security for the future otherwise.
I'm on marriage #4 .one died [6 months], divorced, [7 years] died [2 years] and the last very much alive, longest at 24 years and still very happy - truly my soul mate.

Yep. 100% this. ^ I always roll my eyes and shake my head, when I see women having children with a man who won't put a ring on it. Fuck that shit.