To wonder about the OP whose daughter had ASD and she was going zero tolerance any associated behaviour for the happiness of her other child, herself and husband.

[Shestolemyboyfriend]

I remember a poster who had a daughter with Autism and was having meltdowns due to beig overstimulated al lot of the time. I think there were issues around misophonia around eating , control over the TV etc and who could be in the room at any time. The OP decided that the needs of the few were outweighing the needs of the many and had decided she wasn't going to engage with any of the behaviour any more as it was making the rest of the family miserable. She had everyone divided but it sounded so hard for the whole family with a seemingly no win situation. I wonder how she fared and how it all panned out. I have a friend in a similar situation and she is doing the same with her son, after some kick back the dynamic is totally different. I just wondered how it worked for her.

It can work, there is nothing about autism that prevents people learning acceptable behaviour on the home, but the earning journey can be a bit brutal for everyone involved. Lots of autistic people grow up grateful for the training, when it has worked. Depends largely on cognitive ability

@clearmoon I just wondered how she went on. I work with people with Autism so I'm aware of how vast differences qnd amily dynamics can impact but some posters were absolutely roasting the OP.

Was this the thread where the dd wouldn't let other family watch a TV program without her and demanded full TV control?

I didn't see the thread you are talking about but in a situation like that, surely it comes down to reasonable accommodation versus total capitulation.

For example, my DD has mild misophonia and doesn't like the sound of people eating. Sometimes she eats after the rest of us and sometimes, because it is important to spend time with family, she grits her teeth and eats with us. And it's getting better. She's starting to voluntarily eat with us more now. Especially now she cooks and wants to see our reaction.

But I think if we had never insisted that she eat with us sometimes, the situation might not have improved. And we never forced her. It was more a 'do you feel you can eat with us tonight or would tomorrow be better?'

My son's ASD was only diagnosed when he was 15, so I sort of did this by accident. He's a lovely boy - does well at school, has lovely manners, has a small group of like-minded friends. I don't think I would go back and do anything different if I actually knew.

I remember that post, the OP got a massive telling off for daring to try and amend her autistic child’s behaviour.

I don't remember the original thread but interested. My 12 year old diagnosed daughter is starting to be more and more controlling. It's very difficult to keep the peace and everyone happy.

It’s a very interesting question. I have two friends with autistic children and have followed two totally different paths. One has decided to home school, and the other one has used every tool at her disposal to integrate her son into mainstream school - OT, play therapy, counselling etc.
I have to say, so far, the second one is doing better - he has a nice group of friends and school does well to work with them as well.
The home schooled boy has very few friends and from what I’ve seen is really struggling with appropriate social behaviour.
My son isn’t autistic but he is gifted and has a few similar characteristics- like feeling frustrated and irritated when the class is too slow. But he has had to learn; tough shit - you have to learn to cope with that and keep your irritation when people are slower than you hidden, because of social niceties. I won’t tolerate rudeness or him telling his brother that he’s “dumb” if he takes longer to learn something. Luckily he has a totally different brother who has a set of skills that totally differ from his so it’s good for him to see that everyone is different.

My DB was thought to be on the spectrum at a very young age, back in the 90s when diagnosis were harder. He really struggled as a toddler and in early school. Thankfully my mum got support for him and he bloomed w8th the extra support. My point is that had my mum ignored the situation and allowed him just to be, he would never have become the man he is today. He went from non verbal, zero eye contact at 7 to passing gcse's. So I don't think just allowing the behaviour is ok.

My DM has since passed and he is so grateful that he has the skills to cope in everyday soociety, and that is all down to help and intervention.

I didn't read the original post but know of a similar situation. The children surrounding the person with asd are suffering. They can't function normally as they cannot do the normal things that kids their age do. Their lives are being ruined.

Yes but this tells you absolutely nothing because the children may not have had identical capabilities in the first place.

Oh I remember that thread. Yes it would be interesting to hear how it's going.

Yep absolutely, I agree. I’m sure it’s different for every child. I’m just not sure that taking them out of all educational and social settings is a brilliant idea, even though he struggles with them. Surely it would be better to learn strategies to cope? But I could be totally wrong, I have no expertise.

I remember the thread and I remember thinking that it was perfectly fine try this.

I too feel that you shouldn't push
unreasonable adjustments on multiple family members because, although it takes time and it isn't easy, allowing too rigid behaviour from the person with ASD only cements it further and does nothing to help the person spend time with others. Flexibility is very hard for those with ASD, but in many many cases they can slowly learn to adapt and reap the benefits of this ability when older.

Today's push to allow people with ASD to never be encouraged to adapt in the slightest means that whoever they are around has to adapt totally, and this means that in the long tunnel everyone misses out.

I also did this as DD1’s controlling behaviour was increasing and it it eventually got to a point where the rest of the family had to either live in silence or in their own rooms.

DD1 unsurprisingly pushed back and there was initially many many meltdowns which made me question if I was doing the thing. That was until DD2 pointed out that she had been so unhappy for so long that she felt DD1 was extremely good at manipulating things to get her own way. The relationship between DDs was at real risk of breaking down so something definitely had to change.

its not perfect by any means, but it is definitely better than before. DD1 doesn’t dictate what we watch on tree, and when, what we eat, when we can walk from one room to another etc. she does get offered some choice in the issues that doesn’t impact on other members of the family in a negative way, I’m hoping that’s enough. So far it is.

I remember the post. I was cynical that zero tolerance would work. Ime zero tolerance repeatedly escalates the behaviour to an intolerable level, resulting in breakages and damage both to inanimate objects and other people. As they say, you catch more flies with sugar than vinegar and that has certainly been our experience. I wasn't critical of the op though, I was completely sympathetic and she was clearly at the end of her tether. The devastating effects of neurodivergence on the whole family are massively understated.

I think I saw that thread, the op was right, the needs of one person can't dictate the happiness of the whole family.

I also think enabling anxiety just makes anxiety worse. It has to be challenged at some point.

Interesting. I was having this chat with a friend the other day (her daughter is waiting for a diagnosis) - difficulty in identifying when her daughter can’t help it and when it’s bad behaviour - her daughter’s ND doesn’t preclude being a pain in the arse, does it. Tricky balance to find!

Yes same here with my 16 Yr old also diagnosed at 15. We knew he was likely autistic, but we have treated and raised him no different to his brother. He's grown up to be just how you've described your son.

Obviously I don't know your daughter well enough to comment on her personally, but I'd say that if your dd is capable or possibly capable enough of having independent friends and relationships when older then you need to attempt to curb the controlling behaviour to a level that you as a friend or partner would tolerate.

So as an example you would presumably be fine if a friend chose to eat a very rigid diet with specific cutlery or something but if said friend tried to police your food, what you used to eat it or how you used it, that would be a step too far and ultimately mean that friendships would be lost due to controlling issues.

It very much depends on capabilities of the individual. Within their ability people do need to learn to be part of society and so to comply with norms to a degree but it has to be taken into account what they are able to do.

Like many people with autism DS needs regular movement breaks, if we are out at a restaurant he understands he can’t run around and flap inside the main body of the restaurant sometimes he will be able to get what he needs in a safe (nobody walking by) area by the table others he will ask to go outside for a bit. Safety for everyone has to come first so that was something I focused on.

using the restaurant situation again though for him to be able to regulate enough to enjoy the meal he needs his iPad so I allow unlimited iPad time which for a typically developing child I wouldn’t but for him it’s a reasonable adjustment.

My sister used to work with children with ASD, she told me they deliberately moved the furniture around periodically, eventually it became easier for the children to accept the changes as just something that happens sometimes.

Having been through this "training" I can tell you that you are wrong! It's abusive and extremely emotionally harmful, no-one should be advocating this crap let alone saying that the abuse victims will be grateful for it ffs

I think using the idea of “reasonable adjustments” is a good one. As mentioned above, if the family likes to eat out in a restaurant, a reasonable adjustment might be to allow the child to bring an iPad or a book.

One of my son’s autistic friends will just say “this is boring, I want to leave” and at 13 I just think, isn’t it time to learn the polite way of saying that?