To wonder about the OP whose daughter had ASD and she was going zero tolerance any associated behaviour for the happiness of her other child, herself and husband.

[Shestolemyboyfriend]

I remember a poster who had a daughter with Autism and was having meltdowns due to beig overstimulated al lot of the time. I think there were issues around misophonia around eating , control over the TV etc and who could be in the room at any time. The OP decided that the needs of the few were outweighing the needs of the many and had decided she wasn't going to engage with any of the behaviour any more as it was making the rest of the family miserable. She had everyone divided but it sounded so hard for the whole family with a seemingly no win situation. I wonder how she fared and how it all panned out. I have a friend in a similar situation and she is doing the same with her son, after some kick back the dynamic is totally different. I just wondered how it worked for her.

@MargaretThursday can I ask if you’ve forgiven your dm for not standing firmer? I’m worried that she sounds like me and I am desperate to change things.

But I think posters are saying that in their experience as NT with either ASD partner, patent, pr ASD siblings that they were, in fact, forced to mask, retreat, avoid, restrict in order to keep the ASD person calm or hsppy.

Will repost.

Hi @bendmeoverbackwards I'll try and make a brief list - I haven't had my coffee yet so sorry if it's a bit confused

My "issues" were (and still are) mainly around social communication, certain noises and textures, as well as general sensory overload so some may not be relevant to your DD but I hope it helps a little.

-If we were out as a family I was allowed to have earphones in to listen to music to drown out sound but if we then met up with friends or saw other people, I was expect to take them off and engage in conversation, or at least be "present". I wasn't allowed to shut myself off and ignore people just because it was easier.

-I found eating out quite overwhelming so in restaurants I was always allowed to bring a book to distract me but again if we were out with friends or extended family then the book went away while eating and I was expected to be polite and engage.

-If they had friends over I was allowed to go and hide in my room but only after engaging in polite conversation first. I wasn’t allowed to butt in or take over conversation with my special interests either. When I went to my room I wasn’t allowed to blast my music to cover up noise, I had to use headphones etc.

-I really struggled with hygiene and teeth brushing but those things were never allowed to be optional - but my parents allowed concessions like music while I did them, or I could read in the bath or have an audiobook on as a distraction so my mind could focus elsewhere.

-Foodwise I was expected to at least try everything on my plate. If I didn’t like it that was okay but I didn't get to outright refuse a food because I didn’t like the look or smell. Before realising I was probably autistic like him, my dad forced me to keep eating some spinach (even though I’d tried it and hated it) and I threw it all up 😂 he never made me repeat the experience!

@bendmeoverbackwards
Yes I have. In a lot of ways I was angry with her, but didn't blame her if that makes sense. I could see, even as a child, how my brother manipulated the situations. I do feel that she could have handled things better, but the same can be said of every parent-and any who say otherwise probably are just not aware, which is worse.

Becoming a parent helped. I could see how sometimes you do let things slide because you're tired. Sometimes it's easier. Sometimes you can't do the right thing for all three children, and you have to make a decision, on the spur of the moment it isn't always the right one.
I've got the same pattern of children and at times I could feel myself falling into similar things.

What I would say is on the couple of times I've brought up things that did hurt me, is that dm has got defensive and tried to justify it. I would have so much appreciated her saying "yes, that wasn't fair and I'm sorry."

The other thing that's helped is distance. It is easier to think rationally when you're not dealing with it every day. I live 300 miles from the rest of my family, and I miss them, but at the same time it does mean that I don't feel thigns are in my face all the time.

And another thing that's helped is my dbro growing up and maturing. He's quite a reasonable chap now 🤣. At one point I thought he was going to be one of those stereotypical high flyer asd men who never make any friends, make no effort to, but expect everyone to kowtow to their whims. I could even see dm expecting when they aren't capable, me being expected to take him in and look after him.

What I would say is do make an effort to spend 1-2-1 time with your older one if possible. Even if it's only nipping out to Costa once a month. Sit and chat, or just play on your phones and be together.
If she brings things up, then just apologise. Tell her you know she's been through a lot and you can't make that better. Do not use the expression about your other one "but she's my dd, I can't abandon her" (to me it felt like it was saying..."and you aren't").
Maybe even write a letter, you don't have to give it straight away, but saying how you feel. that you did let her down, and you do feel bad. It might be something you keep for 10 years, and then give it to her.