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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

530 replies

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:34

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

OP posts:
Proudbitch · 21/04/2024 07:03

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:52

So comments mostly are telling me not to, but voting is much closer.

Would so many people here not speak to a friend again if they offered this, really? Even if it was very unlikely you'd ever be able to get together money for a deposit?

I think it’s a good idea. If you aren’t asking her to repay you that is.

if it really is going to be life-changing for her, she should hear about it and have a discussionp

DoorPath · 21/04/2024 07:03

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:04

To those saying offer a smaller amount - I absolutely could and will consider this. But it's not like she's struggling to pay her rent exactly, it's just that without a big lump of money, you just can't get onto the housing ladder. And her family can be really shitty to her generally, but also, they're just not going to have that money again (having given it all to her brother).

A few people have said that if I never heard from her again, or she went on a cruise or whatever - I honestly wouldn't care. I mean I would if I lost her friendship but not if she spent it all on travel. She travels a lot at the moment. It would be her money to do what she wants. I really wouldn't ask or want to know. I would just want her to be happy.

So many people saying don't do it tho, is really making me wonder. Seems such a shame to not even offer it and to just carry on hoarding it. But I wouldn't want to make her feel bad. That's obviously the last thing I'd want

£20k would get her on the housing ladder as a deposit.

DoorPath · 21/04/2024 07:06

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:12

@nonevernotever thank you that's really helpful.
How would you bring it up? I think I'd have to arrange to go and see her. Don't think text would do it!

When giving big news - good or bad - it is so much better to prepare the person beforehand. If you are going to do this, I would send a text saying, "I have come into some money, and would like to gift you a sum. Please can we meet to talk it over?"

It is really mean to put someone on the spot face to face.

wigywhoo · 21/04/2024 07:06

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/04/2024 20:48

Also-you don’t know what life will throw at you. You might have need further down the line.

This. Lovely thought but it's really tempting fate! You say you only have "some savings" - unless I had many multiples of this amount I wouldn't do it. If it's potentially 50% of your capital, no - 5%, maybe...

thoseinperil · 21/04/2024 07:06

I'd look into the details first with an accountant re tax and then have a chat

pilates · 21/04/2024 07:07

If you’re going to do it, do so anonymously (if that can be done).

MyFirstLittlePony · 21/04/2024 07:14

Nice idea

but you will lose your money and you will lose your friend and maybe other friends too (thinking: why her, and not me?)

friends and money don’t mix, she will be extremely grateful to you to start with but will soon feel beholden then resentful to feel so beholden…

playing for a holiday or a treat is one thing. Big chunk of cash like that. It won’t end well

sorry

i imagine you will still do it, as people don’t learn from other people’s mistakes and everyone thinks they are different

good luck whatever you decide

pensione · 21/04/2024 07:20

That’s lovely. You’re a much better person than me, even the thought of this gives me anxiety 🤣

I did lend a family member a similar amount but it was my entire life savings and it was on the condition that it would be paid back. I did get it back over the course of a few years and I don’t regret it at all, but it did mean I missed out, like getting on the property ladder when I was offered a first time buyer’s flat in London at an amazing price.

The friendship could change either for the better because of a generous gesture, or the worse because she may feel beholden to you or even think you have the money to do even more for her. As ling as you’re prepared for that, I can’t see why she would be offended.

autumn1610 · 21/04/2024 07:23

@Marven I think it’s lovely but maybe too much for a house deposit. Depends where it is is in the north. I’m Sheffield and for example my deposit was £17k you would have paid over 50% of my mortgage with £80k.

however in my head if I ever won big enough on the lottery I always thought I would try and help out as many friends as I could with paying off mortgages etc. not because I want to be seen as some sort of saviour but because it is a nice thing to do

TakingAMenopause · 21/04/2024 07:24

This is not true. Every parent I know would put this kind of money aside for their children.

Motomum23 · 21/04/2024 07:28

So many negative responses on here. I would offer her the money OP. It's very simple I've been left money, I'm not in need of anything would this help you buy and house etc as I've often thought how bad your family were not splitting their money equally and want you to know how much I appreciate your friendship
If she says no it's too much then you know and graciously withdraw.
I'll never get a mortgage and the knowledge that my home is tenuous plays heavily sometimes.

Luckydog7 · 21/04/2024 07:28

I would be honest with her, and in person.

I would approach it as you know about her family situation and you are really angry on her behalf and it's been on your mind for ages. That you consider her family and as you are in a position to help you want to offer her the help that she should have gotten from her shitty family. You don't want it to be a loan, a gift only, no strings and you never need to speak about it again. You are concerned about the effect it could have on your relationship

Talk it out, discuss amounts etc. If she says no, say the offer will remain if she needs it.

ManchesterBeatrice · 21/04/2024 07:31

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:04

To those saying offer a smaller amount - I absolutely could and will consider this. But it's not like she's struggling to pay her rent exactly, it's just that without a big lump of money, you just can't get onto the housing ladder. And her family can be really shitty to her generally, but also, they're just not going to have that money again (having given it all to her brother).

A few people have said that if I never heard from her again, or she went on a cruise or whatever - I honestly wouldn't care. I mean I would if I lost her friendship but not if she spent it all on travel. She travels a lot at the moment. It would be her money to do what she wants. I really wouldn't ask or want to know. I would just want her to be happy.

So many people saying don't do it tho, is really making me wonder. Seems such a shame to not even offer it and to just carry on hoarding it. But I wouldn't want to make her feel bad. That's obviously the last thing I'd want

I feel a bit like if she travels a lot, then does she actually need the money, if she truly wanted to buy a property, she would probably stop travelling as much, and save up?

I would leave it to be honest, your family comes first.

Minniemummy19 · 21/04/2024 07:31

You mentioned she travels a lot so must have the means to do so? If she really wanted to get on the property ladder she'd stay put and save that money for a deposit surely?

I'm trying to think how I'd feel on the receiving end, if you were a really close friend I think I'd feel less offended than I would if you were a distant friend. I'd definitely feel less comfortable if it were a lottery win than inheritance though I'd feel I'd be taking something that wasn't meant for me.

Definitely give it more thought and take financial advice on any implications it may cause. What if she's on benefits and not told you ? That would have an impact too.

Personally if I were the one with money I'd invest for my children despite thinking you're comfortable now we never know what the future holds.

ManchesterBeatrice · 21/04/2024 07:32

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:07

@GingerIsBest @Desecratedcoconut that's sort of what I mean really - imagine me knowing I've got all this extra money just sat away for some day in the future - in addition to my house and other savings - and she can't get on the ladder, because honestly who can without help?

When I say your family comes first, by the way, I just mean over somebody that might blow it all on holidays.

You say she can't afford to get on the ladder, but you say that she travels a lot?

If she was genuinely seeking a deposit, then I would definitely consider it.

ManchesterBeatrice · 21/04/2024 07:33

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:10

I could offer a loan if that made her feel better, but I kind of feel like that will be more stressful? It'll always be hanging over us. And I don't want it back. I can't see either (touch wood) that I'd ever need the money so much that I'd regret having helped her out

A low interest loan would be a great idea, but I believe that the bank would want to know where the deposit came from, therefore they would have to understand the terms of the loan, and whether the payments were affordable to her.

If you give her the deposit, and the bank knows you have gifted it, I believe you would have to say sign something which says you have no interest in the house.

ManchesterBeatrice · 21/04/2024 07:34

Also, sorry, me again! What is the total of the windfall you have had? Because that also has a massive bearing.

Airworld · 21/04/2024 07:34

If you are determined to go ahead with this then you need to see a solicitor as there will be considerations such as Inheritance Tax etc I think for such a large sum. It’s about £3k per year that’s tax free so gifting someone £80k has much wider implications should the worst happen within 7 years of making the gift. It’s not as simple as just don’t a bank transfer.

As thoughtful as this is, I think you are being naive of the long-term repercussions of such a substantial gift. If you hit hard times yourself and your DC suffer the consequences, how will you feel knowing you gave away such a huge sum to a friend you barely see anymore? Maybe you don’t see her because she’s not that fussed about seeing you - friendships do change.

Also, never rely on inheritance for your DC from your parents. It could all go on care home fees or poor financial decisions etc.

Please think very carefully and if you still wish to go ahead then see a solicitor who can give you some ideas for making a gift to her that isn’t so huge.

Petitedress · 21/04/2024 07:38

ManchesterBeatrice · 21/04/2024 07:32

When I say your family comes first, by the way, I just mean over somebody that might blow it all on holidays.

You say she can't afford to get on the ladder, but you say that she travels a lot?

If she was genuinely seeking a deposit, then I would definitely consider it.

Show quote history

Exactly. Most of us don't go on lots of holidays because we're busy saving for a house deposit.

Bjorkdidit · 21/04/2024 07:40

I think you should do it OP.

You know your friend and I don't think it's a path to a ruined friendship like many PPs seem to think.

Just think of it as a random act to kindness to address the difference in opportunities that you, and her brother have had.

As for the amount, what you're thinking will give her a lot of options. She can use it for a large deposit on a cheaper house, or a 20% ish deposit on a more expensive one as it really depends on what size house she needs, what amount of mortgage she'll qualify for and where she needs/wants to live.

But definitely get tax advice as I don't think you can just give away large amounts of money like that, but if the only potential issue is that your estate would need to pay inheritance tax should the worst happen, then it's not really a problem as the only knock on effect will be that your beneficiaries will inherit slightly less but still an enormous amount as IHT only applies on amounts above around £340k.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 21/04/2024 07:42

I think it is a lovely thing you are thinking of doing.

I think the solicitor approach might take some of your worries away.

FrangipaniBlue · 21/04/2024 07:43

I think I would approach it ad a PP up thread said, joint investment?

Tell her you've won some money and want to invest in property, would she be interested if you put the deposit down on a house that she could take a mortgage on and live in and that you have an X% lifetime interest in (% being relative to the deposit).

milveycrohn · 21/04/2024 07:45

Such a large sum of money places her under an obligation to you. (The OP).
I wouldn't do it.

Globetrote · 21/04/2024 07:46

If she travels a lot then she sounds like she’s prioritising travel over saving for a house deposit - her choice, but it doesn’t mean she’s necessarily hard up financially. She’s just choosing to spend her money on different things, so renting will come with the usual hassles of having to move if the landlord wants her out etc.

For someone you only see every few years it sounds to me like there isn’t much determination on either of your parts to see each other, so maybe there are other recipients of £80k who could be just as worthy, if not more so. Especially your own DC.

There will also be tax implications for such a sum so see a solicitor and don’t just do a bank transfer.

windyweather66 · 21/04/2024 07:46

I think you should offer her the money, but she might be more inclined to take it if you explain it's not being used by you for the foreseeable future and you want to help her get on the property ladder. Tell her there's absolutely no hurry to pay it back, perhaps only when she may sell in the future, as that may make her feel less indebted to you without the worry she needs to fund loan repayments, but that she will eventually be able to pay you back, even if you have no intention of accepting the money back.

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