AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

[Marven]

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

That is an awful lot of money to give away to a friend. Would she want to be beholden to you? I hope, if you did part with it, it would leave you with sufficient to do what you hoped to do.

My view is that, if we want to help someone else, to do it discreetly without them knowing but I doubt that is possible with £50-80k.

Why not have a word with your friend and ask her how much she really needs to get on her feet, what her plans are, etc. It may be a lot less than you anticipate.

You're a good, kind soul and I commend you for that but please be sensible about it. Once a gift is bestowed it should never again be mentioned and the giver has no control over it. You have to protect yourself when being philanthropic.

Sometimes even a (relatively), small amount of money can help a person in need so definitely re-think the amount.

Good luck to you and to your friend and don't stop being you because you are smashing to have even thought of this. With your willingness, there will be ways that you can help your friend, just be careful.

I dont know if someone has suggested it, but here's what I would do:

Tell her you've come into some money and would like to share the love by buying a house, that she selects, and that you will pay the deposit and all that stuff.

Retain an attorney and have a contract made up, the deed will be in her name. You'll transfer the money to a bank account in trust for her which will pay the mortgage. This will help her build her credit score, and give her time to figure out her finances. Whether that means she puts money in the trust account to help pay the mortgage or whatever.

She will need time to figure out her finances. Maybe consider a financial planner for her so she understands how much the money will cover and what she will need to top it up.

I feel like this gives her the opportunity to retain dignity. It's not just a sudden check, it's a lifetime assistance.

It will be like winning the lottery, and that's ruined a lot of people's lives so you'll want to do this with a lot of care and thought.

I think you are amazing OP and absolutely find a way to do it, taking some heed of some advice here. Also if you have common friends you both need to agree to not tell them, ever.

Love is selfless. It's quite possible to go through life putting others first sometimes.

Why not test the waters first OP? Take her for an all expenses paid long weekend somewhere fab. Her reaction will ease your mind perhaps.

What a lovely kind hearted person you are OP. I'd love to be able to change a friend's life by doing something so generous. Find a way to do it x

I think you could do with spending some time with this friend and having a chat about things.

I don't mean to go and quiz her about her finances/intentions, but just to get a better feel for how things are. You could then bring it up.

Anyone who's a good friend would be able to have a grown up conversation about it without it affecting the friendship.

If the recipient of my inheritance gave it away in this way I'd be spinning in my grave.

Well you wouldn't, because you'd be oblivious.

What's worrying me is that you've not seen her recently & people change so I'd spend this year getting to know her again. You might decide for many reasons not to go ahead. If you do decide to pay her deposit then you should consult a solicitor. Especially if you don't want to retain an interest in the house.

As much as I'd like to say yes go for it; I would say you're being incredibly shortsighted & naive for the reasons below:

1. there's no guarantee your children will inherit from grandparents. It might go on care home fees or a cat home

2. do you own your home outright or is it mortgaged? - if mortgaged then overpay your own mortgage

3. ring fence deposits & university costs for your children

4. max out your savings, premium bonds & pensions - you should ring-fence 12 months living costs in case of a redundancy etc. This will give you breathing space while job hunting

You don't know what's around the corner so secure yours & your children's futures first. If you experienced financial difficulties after helping your friend, you might become resentful. It would be hard to reconcile the fact that you had money but gave it away & are now experiencing difficulties yourself.

Omg can you give it to me 😄

I think you sound like a lovely person and friend @Marven .I would just have an open conversation with your friend and say some things you have said here, you are already in a great financial position that this money would benefit your friend a lot more especially in this current climate. If it were me though (and this may be the wrong way to look at things 🙈), I would specifically say it's for a house deposit. I think if I gifted it to a friend in the hope of securing her future and she spent it on designer clothes and holidays instead, it would slightly annoy me to be honest.

I would offer it to her.

What about gifting her a bit less? 30k

I’ve always thought I’d share with my friends if I won the lottery

That’s a neat idea. I wouldn’t be offended if a wealthy friend wanted to help me buy a property if it was the only way I could do it - I’d be absolutely fucking delighted and forever grateful in a nice way.

@Marven Don't do this. She's not even a close friend. Put the money in a savings account for your children. Surely if you had the money you'd ensure your children's university and houses were paid for? Also nice things and hobbies for your children. I'm not from a wealthy family but it must be such a stress free life if your parents are rich!

I think it’s such a wonderful thing to do. Only you know your friend and only you can have an idea as to how she might react. If it were me I’d think about making a plan to visit for a weekend, have lots of chats around housing and getting on the property ladder and see where she’s at. I think as long as you make it very clear that you have no expectations for how she should spend the money, it is hers to do as she pleases (with a little hint towards property) then I can’t see her taking offence.

This 100%

I think saying lottery win is better, I wouldn't want to take someone's inheritance, it feels different somehow. I only play the lottery occasionally, but I have a list of friends, mostly single mums Id want to give enough for a house too if I ever won big. All really lovely people who have had it tough in life. I think it's a lovely idea, but not straightforward, people have all sorts of different emotions about money. Some people would feel offended I think. It might make her feel worse about her families disregard if someone outside her family can do this, yet they wouldn't. That's not a reason not to give it just a complicated emotional reaction she might have. I wouldn't lend it, some people get really caught up and feel defensive even if you say you don't care if you never get it back. Gifting it is simpler.

The assumption that people wary of giving money to friends are stingy is misplaced. I give money away that I don't need. Just not to friends.

This!

OP you sound lovely.

If I were you I'd do it. Yes there are some risks but I'd still go ahead.

I would be honest with your friend and explain what you've said here. Reiterate that it's a gift with no expectations. I wouldn't go down the road of buying somewhere and asking her to live there rent free, that's much more complicated and puts her in a more difficult position.

Hopefully she will accept your very kind offer and your friendship will continue.

Aren’t there tax implications with gifting someone that much?

Don't do it, keep it for your kids to have a bigger deposit for a house.

Don't do it

Keep it for your children