AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

[Marven]

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

Unless you're a multi millionaire I don't think this is a good idea.

I think it is a brilliant idea @Marven . Please do it! I agree with investigating whether it can be done anonymously.

I'm sure it is a very unpopular opinion, but I think £50-80k for someone you know and love will make a much bigger difference than it being dispersed across a charity. You have staffing and admin costs with a charity. I wish there was much more personal/individual charity.

If I came in to money and could afford to I would help my friends, it wouldn’t even occur to me that it would ruin the friendships. As long as it’s a no-strings gift (strings would ruin friendships) then I would, but only (and a big only) if I knew I would never need the money for me or my family ever (basically if I won the lottery).

This. My exhusband left when my children were tiny. I was absolutely broke. I became the charity case for my friends. It was the late 90s when the Next directory was 'the thing'. Every season they would upgrade their wardrobes and pass last seasons clothes on to me. Not only were they bigger,so I looked awful in the clothes, but I felt like a poor relation. They did it because it made them feel good. It made me feel a bit shit tbh

I would offer it to her and if I were her I absolutely wouldn't think badly of you. I agree perhaps a little white lie that you won it on the lottery might help. I'd just say that you've always thought of what you might do if you won the lottery and part of your thinking has always been that your friend deserved the money because she's so wonderful and because you feel sad for her that her parents were able to help her brother but not her [assuming she's told you that bit and that it is upsetting for her]. So you wanted to offer her £xxx no strings attached to do what she wants with. It is up to her if she decides to take the offer or not and if she wants you can never speak of it again, but you couldn't not offer her this money given how much you think she deserves it.

@AngelinaFibres giving you their old clothes isn't the same as offering someone a chance at a different life is it?

If a solicitor contacted me and said an anonymous donor wanted to give me 80,000 it would completely freak me out. I wouldn't accept it unless I knew exactly where it had come from.

Could you be honest and say that you have more than you need and would like to help her get her own house for stability. So you are prepared to give £80k for her deposit and she can pay it in the future but that it will be interest free and that she can decide when and how to pay it back whenever she is in a position to.

I can’t believe all the people saying to keep the money “just in case” even when you’ve clearly said you don’t need it and have plenty already saved for a rainy day. I’m also a bit surprised by people saying they refuse or be shamed by the offer. What planet are you on!? A friend has had good fortune and wants to share it around and you’re going to throw that back in their face because your pride is more important? Get over yourselves!

I think it’s a lovely idea and you absolutely should do it.

If it’s hard to visit and talk in person I’d want to write a letter and include a cheque. That way you can carefully explain your thinking, and she has time to react without being seen; you’ve basically already given the gift but she still has to actively choose to accept. unfortunately cheques don’t really exist any more, but making the actually transfer of funds quick and fuss free will help to minimise awkwardness imo. I think I’d still be inclined to write or email then follow up a few days later with a call once she’s had a chance to get used to the idea. Make it clear when you write that this is not just an offer but something you have completely decided on, don’t give her a choice of amount.

One thing I’d be careful of is phrasing it like “you’ve said you’d love to have your own place” not “I thought you might use it to get your own place” so it’s clear you’re not in any way looking down on her or suggesting she ought to own a house by now.

I hope you do it, sounds like this could make a big difference to your friend and make you happy too.

Of course you should! I find it baffling people are saying otherwise. It’s a lovely thing to offer. Second guessing dynamics etc seems churlish. I’d say you’d had a windfall and would love to share the good fortune if she’d be happy to accept.
The only thing that I’ve stumbled over is that you say she travels a fair bit?! People hard up and trying to save for a house can’t do that really, and she might spend the money travelling? But as long as you’re happy either way…

I wouldn’t. People can be funny about money and make out they have less than they do. I knew someone who would claim they hardly had any money and do a poor me thing about how they’d never be able to afford to buy a house. It turned out they had more than enough for a deposit, more money than I could ever dream of having in savings, but they were holding out for enough for a ‘small mortgage’ on their dream house.

She can’t be that short of money if she’s done a lot of travelling.

Wow thank you - this is a lot of responses.
Don't worry - my kids will be fine. This is not the only lump of money I have or will receive. My family aren't super rich, but between everyone there is plenty. I can do what I need to and still have this money to do something better with.

I think the answer is definitely to go and see her soon and have a good chat generally. See what the lie of the land is.

Agree with pp - I would give it away and have no expectation at all. I know she likes to travel, that's fine. She's not frivolous but she can absolutely do what she wants with it. I'd never ask.

And no, our other friends wouldn't expect the same. We're not a grabby bunch! But I wouldn't necessarily tell them either

I certainly wouldn't give it to her if she would spend it on travel. For me it would have to be for her family's security.

The comment about struggling to work because of health changed what I was going to write. Consider whether you would feel upset if you gifted her a house deposit and then the house was repossessed because she couldn't keep up the payments due to ill health, so all the money you gave would be lost. Of course, she might gradually use it up over a few years and be back to square 1. To be fair, you should always assume that you have no say in the money/what she spends it on, but hopefully you know what I mean. How much money would she need for a deposit? There are parts of the country where £50k would only be a 10% deposit, so still potentially a bit of a stretch.

Something you could do to be nice and "test the waters" is to tell her that you'd like to pay her rent for 6 months/1 year (assuming she isn't on benefits, as this might impact her entitlement). This would be an amazing opportunity for most people, and give her the chance to save up a little or use the money saved to enhance her life in another way. Alternatively, something like buying a car and agreeing to pay insurance/maintenance costs for 5 years might be a huge help to her.

If she has kids, potentially giving them some money would be a lovely gesture - even a few thousand pounds in an ISA/ LISA would give them a nice little boost as adults. Paying for school trips/clubs would have a big impact on the kids (and might help the mum).

Firstly I wouldn't lie. I don't see why pretending you have won the lottery is a good idea. Keep it simple and just be truthful and therefore authentic.

Only you know her and therefore what her reaction might be.

Ensure you have thought about or find out about the following:-

• do you know her financial circumstances and how a large influx of money might affect her income? She is likely to have to explain it to bank, mortgage company etc so hence part of the reason am saying don't lie to her;
• are you absolutely sure you will always be okay with just giving it away. You could help towards a house purchase and your family receive the equivalent share when the house sold for instance,
• why this friend and not others. You may already have thought this through but just be sure.
• why are you suggesting such a spread of potential amount?
• is there any impact on you giving the money away?

It's a lovely gesture and I agree may be more powerful in helping someone than giving to charity in many ways.

Yes it is its just a far bigger version. " I have a lovely life so here is something I don't need that you can have". There will be huge problems in this friendship in the future. You aren't remotely equal anymore. One of you is dispensing alms to the poor. The other one is wondering how many times they have to say thank you, how grateful they have to be to justify the huge gift that has been given. The giver has a vision of how its all going to be ,even if they think they don't , and it's enormously stressful for the receiver. As the saying goes 'there's no such thing as a free lunch'. Something given always,always has expectations behind it and one of you is always in the ' being grateful' zone. It's not the lovely , fluffy place people imagine it to be.

A few thoughts:

1. I have gifted friends money before and it has not ended well.
2. You keep saying you dont deserve the money as it's not fair- why is that do you think? why do you feel unworthy of good things happening in your life- just something to ponder. Are you really giving it to her out of altruism or because you feel inherently that you dont deserve it
3. You are being very naive to assume that just because you have money right now, it will always be there. You have no idea what is round the corner. Future inheritances arent certain- they could all end up going on care home fees etc People get ill, divorce, lose jobs etc

I am not saying dont do it- but it's wise to consider the above from all angles first for your own peace of mind. Its a lovely gesture but this is such a large amount that I think its good to consider potential outcomes first before you mention it to her.

I wouldn’t even think twice about giving my best friend this sum of money if I could afford it. I know she struggles financially and she lives alone. I’d hope she’d use it to pay off her mortgage but if she didn’t and went on multiple holiday so what?

it would be a gift to her to do with as she chooses. gifts shouldn’t come with strings attached

I think just have the conversation with her, make the effort to see her face to face. You’ve explained it well here, you could always write it down if you’re worried about the words coming out wrong. But do it face to face. If we’re talking £50,000 it’s worth a visit. And tell her you need to talk to her about something so she can prioritise seeing you too.

I think that amount of money is more than enough for a deposit in most parts of the north, plus enough to decorate, furnish etc.

I would be honest about it, partly because any alternatives might bring questions you can’t answer and you don’t want to get caught in a lie at a later date. Anything anonymous could be anxiety provoking and somebody unscrupulous may take the credit for it and hold it over her head. Also because I’m not saying your friend is grabby but you need to make it clear this isn’t some infinite pot that you’ve won millions of pounds from and if she wants to discuss it with anyone which is her right then I wouldn’t want rumours about me being a euromillions winner flying around. And finally because she has the right to make an informed choice.

I think it’s lovely of you to think this way and if I ever had some cash I’d love to spread it around friends etc.

I don't understand why everyone is saying it's a bad idea.
That's so kind of you.

I would maybe broach it as saying you've won some money and you'd like to give her enough for a deposit on a house. When she finds one she likes, then I would sort that out for her and then give her some extra.

You say she travels a lot, so she does have some money, but chooses to spend it on travelling ? ( no judgement here. Everyone is free to do as they choose)
Also is she married? Happily? As if you give this to her, you are also basically giving it to the couple.
She has toxic family. Can you be sure she isn't obliged to share it some way?
Will she be taxed on this gift?

Maybe you could offer to pay her rent for a year? That way she could save?
If she still prefers to keep travelling etc. Then you could consider your next donation.

I would go & visit her. & see.

You need professional advice. Such a large sum would attract capital gains tax for your friend.

Hmm I'm torn on this , I love doing random acts of kindness and have done some financially significant ones anonymously. BUT your friend travels a lot, and is sometimes too ill to work? How does this marry up?
You keep mentioning her being more settled, but what if she 'wastes' the 80k and Is no more settled in this case , that money has done nothing special for her (she already travels)

I did this. It’s only money and if you have more than your fair share then sharing’s caring. Makes a huge difference to people who don’t have any especially if you have no expectations as to how she spends it. Do you need any more friends? 😉

Cash gifts themselves are not taxed but you will get taxed on any interest from it, if it's invested and generates interest and dividends. Therefore, your friend may have to start filing a self assessment tax return if she starts getting interest on it- she needs to be aware of this as otherwise she could get into hot water