Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

530 replies

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:34

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 21/04/2024 00:39

I think it's a lovely thing to do. Go for it. She's probably going to take some convincing that it's not a wind up or that there really are no strings attached but you'll have to persevere.
You can get still a nice condition 2 bed house for £150/160k here in Cheshire (classed as the north west) so what you are considering would be a very nice deposit.

ap1999 · 21/04/2024 00:46

Hiphopopotamonster · 20/04/2024 22:11

Bloody hell please at least ask her and speak to her! I’d be absolute gutted if my friend almost gave me 80k but gave it away to an anonymous charity instead because strangers on mumsnet would personally be hypothetically offended. I can guarantee any friend who gives me a life changing sum of money would be a friend for life. You people are utter weirdos. 😂

This

Goodwitchglenda · 21/04/2024 00:50

What a bunch of miserly witches some of you are!
Not surprised we have the government we do.
OP, it’s a lovely gesture, and if you love your friend and feel that your family can spare the cash, why not? If only more people thought as you do in terms of wealth redistribution!

Jennylou88 · 21/04/2024 00:52

I'd do it, it's a beautiful thing to do and to offer to a friend like that.
I'd be blown away if someone did that for me. Really life changing!

KomodoOhno · 21/04/2024 00:54

Your heart is in the right place but it's a terrible idea.

User284725 · 21/04/2024 01:04

I'm really dismayed at most of these replies. No wonder we have such a gaping financial divide in this country, when others think it's more important to hoard wealth in a bank just incase or give more for your own already privileged children than someone you love, respect and recognise have less than you through no fault of their own. It's like reading Daily Mail replies of charity begins at home and Britain First. I agree a big loan can ruin a friendship, or a friend asking for money, but a no strings attached gift from someone not asking for it is not that at all.

Exposingthetruth · 21/04/2024 01:35

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:52

So comments mostly are telling me not to, but voting is much closer.

Would so many people here not speak to a friend again if they offered this, really? Even if it was very unlikely you'd ever be able to get together money for a deposit?

I absolutely DO think you should offer her this money (as a gift, NOT a loan). A loan is stressful, needs paying back, even though you say you don't want it back, but I mean for her. She's been screwed over by family, this could really make a big change in her life.

If a friend offered me this money, no strings, then sure, I'd accept and not be offended, and use it to pay off the mortgage, or do our much needed extension.

Also, I've had casual chats with an old dear friend of mine and said to her outright that if I ever won Euromillions, or something, I'd pay her mortgage off for her (about 60-70K), although, if I won a huge amount, I'd give her a million. She wasn't offended in the slightest. I know it was all hypothetical, but you can still gauge views from that. She's such a lovely person and she'd deserve it.

Honestly, I think you should do it. Have a chat with her, just casually over a cuppa during a visit ask her, if someone gave you £50-80K no strings attached, no need to pay back, would you accept it? Gauge her response. If it's positive, then tell her, you'd like to give her it, no strings, no paying it back, it's a gift and that you hope she can buy a house with it.

Good luck @Marven

k1233 · 21/04/2024 01:39

I'd probably approach it as you've had a win / windfall and have always remembered when her family screwed her over and gave the $ to her brother. You've been thinking about what you can do with the money and would like to give her some money for a deposit on her own place, would she be interested? Totally no strings etc. If she was interested, then give her a figure to work to.

Greenfluffycardi · 21/04/2024 01:51

I’d definitely do it if o could. Have a chat with her and broach the subject. If someone offered it to me I’d be thrilled and very grateful.

endingintiers · 21/04/2024 01:54

Friends are exactly that, not patrons. It will completely change the dynamic. I have friends who earn 50x what I do and I would be offended if they offered me cash.

if you are set on this, I’d suggest saying you’d like to invest in property, but want a trust worthy financial partner like her. If you put up the deposit, can she pay the mortgage? Work out the percentages of property owned vs total final payments (which would lean in her favour) then get a contract.

salsmum · 21/04/2024 02:19

Can I be your friend? 😉

NameChange2589 · 21/04/2024 02:19

Hiphopopotamonster · 20/04/2024 22:11

Bloody hell please at least ask her and speak to her! I’d be absolute gutted if my friend almost gave me 80k but gave it away to an anonymous charity instead because strangers on mumsnet would personally be hypothetically offended. I can guarantee any friend who gives me a life changing sum of money would be a friend for life. You people are utter weirdos. 😂

This!!!

Lassiata · 21/04/2024 02:28

It could make the dynamic difficult, but it could make so much difference to her life that I'd offer anyway. It's not like you see each other every week. I think it would be an act of true friendship. But you know her, you're likely to know if she'd be glad or upset.

Lassiata · 21/04/2024 02:29

Marven · 20/04/2024 21:11

To those saying it's too much - if someone doesnn't have loads of savings, how much would actually help you buy a house (in the north). There's no point it not being enough, but I can see that there's a scale of what's acceptable

Depends where in the north but that could give her a really manageable mortgage.

BeeTrainScofferLotta · 21/04/2024 02:43

There are absolutely people in my life that I would help financially if/when I sold my business or inherited. People who I love but who have no safety net and have not had wealthy parents. We have more than we need and they don’t. There isn’t a lack of money, there’s just an issue with its distribution.

i would support you giving it to her but I would do it in person, taking time to explain the what and the why. It will be life changing for her. Give it with an open heart and let her receive it how she will. Personally I would say something like- you are like family to me. I have more than I need and I would like to give you this gift. Bless you for your kindness x

NightPuffins · 21/04/2024 02:56

I would go ahead and offer her the full amount you wanted, though I'd be inclined to tell a white lie and say the money came from the lottery. Simply because, as the poor friend in this scenario, I just couldn't bring myself to accept family money, whereas a lottery win hasn't come from anyone as such. You could even 'protect' your lie by saying the lottery win came just after you inherited from your family so you wanted to be generous and give the win up.

If you offer it generously and unconditionally, making it absolutely clear that the money is to be used in whatever way she wishes, whether that's travel or a house deposit or shoes or a charity donation herself, you have no claim to know about it nor does it affect your friendship. I would accept this from a friend and be so grateful.

Contrary to others, if it truly is unconditional and you are able to not judge her spending choices, then I don't think it will ruin the friendship. Whereas, I think you splashing out on gifts, treats, trips away would ruin the friendship, because that puts you in the higher position, the one in control of the fun. You know she can't treat you to a weekend away in return so could she really relax and enjoy it without feeling the need to give something in return? I couldn't.

UncleHerbie · 21/04/2024 03:19

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:34

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

What a wonderful gesture. I think you are a kind, thoughtful, generous and fabulous friend 💐

Speak to a tax lawyer who will advise on the most tax efficient and advantageous way of gifting the money with zero future financial impact on you or friend 💐

PS: if you need an instant friend, my address is … lol

WaterWheeloffortune · 21/04/2024 03:24

Do you own your property mortgage free ?

Do you have any debts ? If so pay these off first

Up North you can buy flats outright for less than 100k

I would take so.e time 6 months, a year to think first

HotChocolateNotCocoa · 21/04/2024 04:22

I'm assuming the people saying not to do it are jealous that nobody has done this for them.

Why are you assuming this? I’d be massively freaked out if someone I hadn’t seen in years did this.

SootikinSweep · 21/04/2024 04:34

Op I’m really surprised at all the cynicism and stingy attitudes on this thread. I’d love to give money to friends and if I was ever lucky enough to win the lottery then it would be one of the most exciting things I could do - I often dream about how I would help people. Personally I would absolutely offer my friend some money (and not take no for an answer). I wouldn’t be offended if the shoe was on the other foot either - I’d be really grateful. Funnily enough my friends and I were talking ‘what if we won…’ the other night and we were all saying what we’d do for each other!
Please don’t take MN attitudes as gospel - this is a very weird place sometimes and can be a bit of a parallel universe.

SootikinSweep · 21/04/2024 04:36

100% agree with @NightPuffins

Zanatdy · 21/04/2024 04:38

Well if you want to do it then do it. I’d personally keep it for my children future but it’s your money and your choice

MotherofGorgons · 21/04/2024 05:34

No, I am not jealous. Everything on MN is not about jealousy, much as people like to think it is. I did give money to a friend. Didn't end well. Money ruins friendships. People aren't usually grateful. They get weird about it.
What is that Chinese saying about detesting people who do a good turn for you? Happens more often than you think.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/04/2024 05:34

If she doesn’t work through ill health as you’ve alluded to, then how is she going to get a mortgage? I think I’d be thinking more tangible things to assist (; even though it doesn’t actually sound like you’re that close tbh). It sounds like she values other things more if she spends what money she has on travel;etc perhaps that is a pointer that owning a home isn’t the top of her list for things to save for.

thoseinperil · 21/04/2024 05:42

Every few years is very infrequent- do you talk a lot?.