AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

[Marven]

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

I think that's a lovely thing to do. God bless you. Your friend will be over the moon.

@Marven I think this is a lovely thing to do, and is just what I'd do if we had that kind of money spare.
The most enjoyment I'd get from winning the lottery jackpot is in helping friends and family out.
In fact, I think it's almost beholden (morally, at least) on those who are so much more fortunate to help those who aren't, and I don't understand why you wouldn't.
I also wouldn't put conditions on the money or what they do with it.

Conversely, if my friend was to come into money and offer me a similar amount I would be really appreciative of it and would happily accept it.

I'd actually be honoured that they considered me such a good friend and would be touched that they wanted to help.
Again, as long as there's no strings attached, in the same way I'd offer it, it wouldn't change the friendship for me.

You sound lovely, and I wish you all the best. 💐

It would be just about possible if you went through a solicitor, who could explain that it was not a scam. But as the recipient it would feel very weird indeed, like something from a film script. I have raised a modest amount of money for a local charity by arranging for some occasional freelance work that I do for an American company to be paid directly to the charity. They have no idea why they are getting bank transfers from the US, but they presumably don't worry about it. If I got money sent to me anonymously it would freak me out.

I agree that it would be very hard for the OP to remain anonymous. This charity has no idea who I am, and yet when I walk past their offices I do sometimes feel like I want to put my head round the door and say "You know those mysterious donations you get every few months from XYZ Inc? Yeah, that's me". If I was in the OP's position and sent the money anonymously, and then met up with the friend in the house that she'd just been able to buy with my gift as a deposit, I think it would be very hard indeed not to let on.

https://www.lloydsbank.com/mortgages/help-and-guidance/first-time-buyer-help/gift-deposits.html#heading3

Please take legal advice, some lenders don't even accept gifted deposits, especially from outside the family.

It’s a lovely gesture and you are a kind, generous person, OP. But I speak from bitter experience when I say that large amounts of money, given to friends can mess up a friendship horribly. It all feels lovely to be in a position to bestow your generosity and to imagine all the happiness your money will bring, but then feelings such as obligation and resentment creep in. Plus, there may come a time when you need that money, since none of us can see into the future.

Would you have enough to buy a house, let her rent it and do a deal where she buys it from you, less the amount you would like to give her?

You know if you are a Christian (no offence to those who think it is Tommy rot) you are taught to give 10% to charity. The tax man has more than enough from me and I paid for private schools. If my adult DC expect a fortune that's their issue not mine. They both have top career paths. I posted up thread that I shall be gifting my BFF a huge sum for a house in the next few years.
I recently thought I was dying and she nursed me without me asking. Bringing food and cheer. I have family who do far less including a NC sister. I agree with a previous poster who said the OP is probably worth much more than we think. Give her the money, she can always say no. I once borrowef £2k off one of my millionaire friends in the crash and she was a bloody nightmare. No loans, no rent. That's what doesn't work.
Kindness is everthing.

I think it's a lovely idea as long as you will be fine with however she chooses to spend the money even if you don't personally agree with her priorities.

I would one hundred percent do this with my friends if I had a lottery win.

OP, I understand this is a really tricky one and I've come up with a great solution. I will happily take £50-£80k off your hands! We have an old leaky conservatory that we can't afford to replace and that would do nicely.
I promise this gift will not affect our friendship at all 😁

OP - I'm in my early 50's. £80K would represent 2yrs' net salary for me and I'm a higher rate taxpayer!

I agree with a pp that £1.6m assets isn't sufficient for you to gift £80K but obviously, this is subjective.

Such a lovely thing to do OP and I’m sure your friend will be delighted. If I won big on the lottery I would deffo share the prize with family and friends.

But, a few things to consider; would other friends/siblings fall out with you because you didn’t give any money to them? What about your children/grandchildren? Nobody knows what the future holds. Also, if you inherited the money are you sure the person who gifted it to you would be happy with it being given away?

Give the money but consider a smaller amount - say 20-30k - still life changing but not enough to ruin a friendship or deprive your own children

You never know what is around the corner for you or your children. 5% of your assets is a lot to give away. I would be minded to purchase specific items to help - which could add up to a lot over time - but spread over a number of years.

A friend of mine went through a nasty separation, and was left with the possibility of having to sell her beloved home and move somewhere smaller with her kids. She needed to buy her ex out so she could keep the house, but she couldn’t get a mortgage as she’d only just gone back to work (after time out to look after kids). A friend of hers lent her £100k, to be paid back interest free over decades. It’s all worked out fine. The friend did it because she could see my friend was suffering, and just wanted to make her life easier. Could you suggest that?

Would your children never really need this money? I wouldn't do it, I do think your children could use it for something one day.

I have a friend in a similar position. I’ve always said if I won the lottery I’d buy her a house or flat with no strings. So it’s a no brainer for me and I’d give her a house deposit in a heartbeat.

My thoughts on the travelling are simple, if she isn't prioritising the property deposit (no judgement ) it might be because its not as important to her as you think it is, so you might give her the money, and she spends it all on travelling. Now, you might be ok with that, but if that's the case, you might as well spend the money on both of you having awesome holidays together. Or pay rent for a year so she can then prioritise her own money.

Wow that’s what kindness is all about I would do the same for my wonderful friends if I was in same financial position as you.

Only you know your friend really and you are giving it with a good heart and will be rewarded as I always feel whatever I give away ( to charities ) it definitely comes back to me.

I have on occasions helped out my friends ( €100 not big sum but relative to us) and my other friend has helped me out too when I split from my ex she would send me money in the post as we lived hours away.

I think you should meet up with her be honest no need for lottery win talk she prob knows your financial background anyways and offer it to her and just say if she ever in a position to pay it or even tiny bit forward to do so, money is meant to go around .

God bless you.

I'll be your friend! ;)

Those insisting that the OP should keep this extra money of hers to give to her children are missing her point that if she doesn't give it to her friend, she intends to give it to charity. Either way, she has already decided she is going to share the love outside of her family, because she is lucky enough to be in a position to do so.

I think this would destroy your friendship. I also think it might destroy your friend. I have a friend whose troubles seem to grow the more life problems are solved for her. Sometimes it's the challenges that keep people going.

If you want to help her you need to be a bit more reflective about how, because you are saying it's "no strings" but you are also hoping she will buy a house. Which one is it, and what do you want to get from this?

I would have a good look on the Internet for stories about giving away money and how it can be made acceptable to both sides.

@Marven I voted YANBU.. but i think its great youre putting a lot of thought into the if/how much/how thing! And you know yourself, your friend and the relationship better than all of us!
So take everything on here with pinch of salt!

Some thoughts would be...

1. Dont do it anonymously as she will no doubt tell you about it and you would have to keep up the pretence, if she found out later on it would be awful for her

1. Agree there is a sliding scale of what people might feel is acceptable/embarrassing for her so is there scope to have an honest conversation along the lines of "Ive come into some money, I know lifes not fair and I havent earned it, it would genuinely be a gift with no strings and I wouldnt want our friendship to change in anyway... I was thinking X amount but how much (if any) would you feel comfortable/able to accept from me?"

1. The buying somewhere she can live in rent free does give her then scope to save, however might still feel like a debt? And if it saved her £1k a month (ave rent in my part of the north) shes still looking at 5yrs+ to save it all for deposit and god knows what housing market like then?

Sorry I know me havinf strong opinion either way isnt helpful, but I feel like its a lovely thing to be Able to do for a friend, but ultimately whether she wants it/would accept it is up to her and you would just have to be fine with whatever she says?

I live in a part of the country where you can buy a modest home for the amount you're thinking of giving. It's a lovely thing to do for her, as long as you're not leaving yourself or your family short.

Am I your friend? If so you can just write me a cheque or do a bank transfer xxx

You’ve completely missed the point: her total assets are very modest in the general scheme of things.

Your idea that OP has “a house and more money than she could ever need” is very naive. Just because she seems wealthy to you doesn’t mean she is in a broader context, or that her wealth is secure.

@Marven what a lovely thing to do. We could all do with friends like you. Why don’t you broach the subject by asking her how she’s getting on saving for a house and what the situation is, if she tells you she’s struggling or hasn’t saved much up tell her you’d like to offer her some money towards the deposit. Just tell her your going to come into some money and if she’s happy for you to help her you’d gladly do it.