AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

[Marven]

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

That's a lovely expression of your Grandma's, @Okaaaay, I've never heard it before (my Grandma just said "don't get old, dearie, don't get old", and boy do I understand her now!). I think it sums up what the OP wants to do and is a very kind and true way of looking at it.
I'm thoroughly demoralised by the people who think it's the wrong thing for the OP to do, for whatever reason. Clearly no joy or generosity in their lives at all!

It's an imaginative idea. I am not against it but hope it's not too dreamy a one: this friend you see every few years...how close a friendship is it? Just a niggle there. Do you both see it as a vital close friendship akin to the equivalent of an enduring family bond or is this gift idea more connected to something in your own mind that appeals to your imagination?

That said, to proceed, I would only do this if it were to have the live-changing impact of buying a house. I wouldn't give it without strings. I'd speak to her on the phone, find out how she's faring, gauge the state of things with her etc, tell her to sit down, you have some good news: you've come into some money, would like to enable her to buy a house to secure her future as you've always wanted her to have that, considering how she was let down before, and will pay the sum of £50k or more, depending* into your solicitor's holding account and when she has found and offered on a house, to be paid over to the seller's solicitor as the required deposit plus a further contribution to the purchase price and confirmed by your solicitor to the building society she will be applying to for a mortgage to.

*You should know how much a house would cost where she lives and how much your sum will need to be to cover the deposit and to enable an affordable mortgage for her. If a house costs 200k, 50k might be enough but if it's 300k it might take all of the 80k.

I also wondered a bit about your own circumstances, i e, whether you have a mortgage, whether you are married, have a job, a pension, how much you think it is going to cost to upgrade your house - probably more than you expect - and how much of your assets are liquid or solely yours or jointly held. It's all a bit vague. You can be well off but a lot tied up in a house and a relationship with complexity like joint ownership, and assets can also be liabilities.

It’s a lovely thing to do op, I have my own list in my mind of those I would do the exact same to if I came into cash

@Jaichangecentfoisdenom thank you - that’s really made my day!

Like this idea.

Crazy amount of money to give away!

Plus, I think awkward for her - it's rubbing in her face that you've been much more successful than she has.

What about presenting it to her as if you have inherited this cash and are looking for an ethical, long term investment opportunity.... if she were to use it as a big deposit for a house (esp as she's in the North) - so you would own a % of her house but with legal paperwork in place to give her lifetime protection in the house (or something along those lines).

Well I think it's a wonderful thing to do, especially as you would consider donating it anonymously - so you're obviously not doing it for the glory.

I do think it may change the friendship dynamic though. Your friend would, I would imagine, be delighted and grateful. I doubt she would refuse it but it could make for some awkwardness, though perhaps if you said it was a lottery win that would be different.

If only all these billionaires who waste copious amounts of money would be so unselfish.

If my friend offered me this I would be so grateful. I think it would cement the relationship and help someone have a better life. Be honest with her, don't lie. I have come into this money by x y z and would like to do something nice for you so you have a secure future. How would you feel about it?

@VillageGreenPS - what would you say to this guy, then?
https://www.ucf.edu/pegasus/harris-rosen/
(@ellyeth - almost cross-posted with you!)

I’m really surprised at all the people saying don’t do it. I would absolutely do it, I also would be delighted if someone did it for me! Several of my friends and I talk about how we would gift money to each other if we won the lottery - of course this is just day dreaming and who knows what they would all do if it actually happened but I like to think I certainly would. I would make it very clear it was a no strings attached gift.

Really lovely of you.

I'd offer it OP. How she takes it is up to her. She has the option to say No thank you.

If I could afford it, I would offer my BFF the money and would also accept if offered.

Don't let what ifs stop you from doing a good deed.

I absolutely would. What an amazing human you are.

OP rightfully that money should go to your children

you never know what the future holds

why not treat friend to a holiday and go with her, reconnect

involving money in friendships never end well

Rightfully it should go to whoever its owner chooses. The cheek of telling someone what they should rightfully do with their money.

If a good friend gave me this gift I would over the moon.
If you can afford to and she's struggling why wouldn't you? I would 100%.
Those that are saying don't do it are obviously in a very fortunate position and haven't struggled.

wondering if you are new to mumsnet? it's a place where people ask for opinions and many individuals come along and offer their ..... surprise surprise opinions

if you have an issue with that I don't really know what to say

Or we have done it and it didn't end well..

It’s a lovely idea. Perhaps you can treat your friend to a small holiday or hire a cottage where both families could meet and enjoy some quality time together. That would help gauge how your friend feels about having money spent on them and you could find out if she’s saving for a house, needing financial help, etc. I would ask how much they’d need and if loaning a deposit might help/be something they’d consider? It’s less pushy than just giving a large sum which may make them feel very uncomfortable.

but of course if she doesn’t want it, then I am here op 😊

Make it a loan and have a proper contract drawn up. That way, you're both protected and it's on a business footing. Tell her that you want to help but you appreciate that she won't want a handout so it'll be legally done and it keeps it impersonal whilst being really helpful.

What about buying a house that she can buy off you on a mortgage style agreement that she can afford?

Lovely of you to want to help her x

Fuck yes do it.

So rarely do we get a chance to change someone's fortunes, I'm gutted how many people want to piss on this idea.

The op doesn't need it. Her kids don't need it. A lovely friend does, what's the issue?

A loan would be a nightmare, but a gift?

I'd tell her "I won on a scratch card and I had a dream about sharing it with her, so I here I am pinging the money over to you xxx"

I’d personally be overjoyed to have a friend like you. I’d take the money and be very grateful. You sound so lovely.

I wouldn't do it. Nothing to do with jealousy (and I never understand why posters say people are jealous of a hypothetical situation on an anonymous forum!) but just because you don't know her finances inside out.

You say she travels a lot. The fact she can do this makes her a lot more fortunate than many people at the moment, but also shows that she is prioritising travel over housing security. I wonder if that's the reason her parents gave money to her brother and not her, because they didn't think it would be well spent. You haven't seen her regularly for years so she might be awful with money for all you know.

Hi @Marven what’s her job situation like? Is she working? On benefits? Or both? There was a post recently about a woman buying her own house and now she was in a worse of situation than her in-laws who were getting housing benefit and had better houses than hers. So if her situation is something similar if she owns her house she wouldn’t be able to claim any help towards the mortgage payments

This reply has probably hit the nail @Marven