AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

[Marven]

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

her total assets are very modest in the general scheme of things.

How wealthy do you have to be to think £1.6 million is very modest? Someone with those assets is in the wealthiest 10% of the population. That figure includes pension pots, without including them it’s the top 5%.

her total assets are very modest in the general scheme of things.

😂

Quite modest then. There are whole areas of London and the SE where many if not most houses are a million or more.

A million doesn’t represent what it did 30 years ago - when you could buy a house in the SE for 200k.

The wealthiest 10% is a broad spectrum from those whose homes are worth a million but have average salaries, right up to people with £100 million + in assets.

It’s still richer than 90+% of the population. Absolutely ridiculous statement.

How much do you need @Mirabai to be able to give something away?

I understand that MNers are bedazzled by what seems like a lot of money, but that’s exactly my point, it’s not as much as OP thinks.

A million doesn’t buy what it used to and arguably 5% is too much to give away without potential regret as you don’t know what the future will bring. If she had £10 million it would be different or if her friend were in desperate immediate need.

I’m not saying don’t give some away, just not so much that OP might regret it if circumstances change and GPs legacies go on care fees. Or friend falls out with her.

I’d say look at it as a % of your total assets not an absolute amount.

@Mirabai I'm wondering if you're British. Because I'm reading OP's posts, and I'm pretty sure her description of being "reasonably well off" is the classic British understated way of saying "loaded". Not to mention that actions speak louder than words, and the desire to give a friend a sizeable chunk of cash is less likely due to her being "bedazzled" by that amount of money, and more likely due to it being genuinely more than she (or her children) are really going to notice.

A lot of people consider "handouts" undignified and insulting. I don't know the OP or her friend and I would never want my friend to feel like that which is why I said what I said. Your reaction is exactly my concern.

@menohnopausal Not only am I British I have a double first in Eng lit. If you read the thread OP summarised her assets and she’s definitely not “loaded”.

Segue but your name is very interesting to me @Mirabai 🙂

Cripes, okay mirabai. It was a genuine question, not a diss. And no, I must have missed the post where OP detailed her assets. You sure she did? Not sure I'd feel comfortable broadcasting details of my wealth, even anonymously.

Just checked back through OP's posts on this thread, and there are plenty of indications that she really can spare this money. Not to mention, she wasn't asking advice about affordability, but about how/whether to give the gift without adding a weird dynamic to the friendship.

I didn’t know you could get a double first in English Lit. What that’s got to do with thinking someone who’s in the top decile of wealth in the country has assets that are “quite modest” is unclear. Good thing you didn’t do maths, eh?

No worries. I used the word summarised not detailed. She said 50-80k represents 5% of her “current assets” so you can work out the total.

But that's her current assets. She refers to some family wealth. She may also have a DH with further assets. Like I said, I think I recognise the tone of someone who is genuinely well off, but is avoiding sounding crass. Or maybe she really is of "modest" means, and is just not that money-oriented. There are plenty of people like that out there, believe it or not!

All somewhat irrelevant though, as she wasn't asking for advice about whether it's a wise financial decision for herself.

@Blossomtoes It was related to understanding English.

As I’ve already pointed out top 10% is a hugely wide differential. Even the top U.K. 1% ranges from 3.6 million to 22 billion.

It’s not about perceptions of wealth, although assets of a million are modest compared to billions, it’s about % of assets.

That’s how I read it.

It is just a bit more money at the end of the day for you OP, makes your friends life easier, I would be a rational and kind thing to do.

@menohnopausal Indeed, her assets. We don’t know if that includes DH but I haven’t factored him in. If they divorce it’s gone, if her parents get ill/remarry theirs may be gone, you can never count on anyone’s assets but your own.

I’m not particularly well off, just level-headed.

There's really no point speculating on how well off OP is, the point is she wants to give the money away. I take my hat off to her for being a generous soul!

As an aside, this is reminding me of a conversation I had with a new, permanently-crumpled-and-frayed friend years ago. We were students and somehow the conversation got round to finances. I think we were arranging a trip out of the city, or something, and I was wanting to make sure I wasn't overstepping anyone's budget. I can't remember his exact words, but it had the same discreet, unassuming way of referring to budget not really being a problem...before paying me with a cheque from his Coutts bank account. 😂

I would discuss with your DF , OP. For instance would it create problems for her eg UC or HB? But I would plan to give it to her.

I think it's an amazing thing to do. Speak to her and see how she feels.

I would be shocked if someone did this for me but i would be extremely grateful.

If i were in a position to do this for a friend , i would 🥰

I haven't gone through all the comments so sorry if this has been mentioned - but just for something else to think about, if you do go ahead, if she's uses it for a house deposit, the lender + solicitor will absolutely want to know where the money came from, which will mean you either filling out a gifted deposit form (meaning you are not expecting it back - however individual lenders will have different rules on this and some may not accept one from a friend (whereas they nearly always will accept a gift from a family member, for example), or her telling them it's a loan (which will affect what kind of mortgage she could be offered).

I think it's a lovely thing to do and that the world would be a better place if everyone was a bit more like you. Thinking of your friend when you're in a position to make her life a bit easier is awesome. You've already said that your children will be more than fine financially, and I'm a bit surprised that so many people think that ALL money, even if there's loads should purely be kept in the family! Like you I would want to help people in my life that needed it (and that doesn't just include family), rather than just squirreling it all away.

And for what it's worth, if a trusted friend explained things to me like you did in your original post and I could really do with the financial help, I would be over the moon. I would probably cry a bit from happiness and be extremely grateful and it would remind me what a lovely and supportive friend I have.

I think it’s an incredibly kind thing to do and can’t understand people claiming it will “ ruin” a friendship ( perhaps they have odd friends?!) One if the greatest pleasures of a lottery win or significant sums of money must surely be being able to alleviate financial difficulties of those you care for ( assuming you are financially stable yourself). As long as you genuinely have no expectations of how it is spent I really see no issue at all. Many of my friends and I often talk ( and dream) about how we would share a lottery win. Equally I have some v financially comfortable friends but sadly none as generous as you!!