Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

530 replies

Marven · 20/04/2024 20:34

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 21/04/2024 12:14

I think it’s a lovely thing to do and you know your friend and the nature of your friendship better than anyone on here.

Inclined to agree that pitching it as a lottery win rather than ‘family money’ might be a good way to go.

I have a childhood friend I would absolutely help out like this if I had the money - alas we’re re both on the bones of our arses 😂!

KnickerlessParsons · 21/04/2024 12:18

The money was left to you.
I'd be pretty pissed off (although dead) if my kids gave away the money I leave them to a mate they haven't seen in years. What if she gambles/drinks/wastes it all away?

Spend it/save it, but don't give it away.

Wildhorses2244 · 21/04/2024 12:19

@Marven I think that gifts to friends are difficult - even to close friends, even if they are desperate - and so I think a gift to a friend who isn't desperate and who you don't see that often comes with a huge risk.

What I would do is try and work out a way that you can help her without giving her anything.

If it was me I would tell her about the inheritance and say that you were thinking about investing in property; that you know she wasn't able to buy on her own; and asking if she would be interested in going halves on buying a property.

You buy a house together, she lives in it and pays all costs to maintain it in lieu of rent for your half. When its sold you split the equity increase on the same shares that you have bought it on. Your inheritance is used for your share. Her savings plus mortgage is used for her share. All drawn up legally by a solicitor.

An equal business decision, based on mutual trust, good for both of you, you'll both profit, and it helps her get onto the property ladder in a way which doesn't patronize her. Once her mortgage is paid off you can always have a conversation about whether she wants to buy you out or continue ownership in that way.

If you're still keen to gift, then you can put in your will than your share goes to her/ her descendants on death.

Lurkingandlearning · 21/04/2024 12:20

I wouldn’t. You don’t know what the future might bring to your family. You might feel there is already enough money in the family pot for everyone but say for example one of you or even your future grandchildren needed permanent medical care? I don’t like to be morbid but if something that awful happened would you regret being so generous to a friend you seldom see?

Antibetty · 21/04/2024 12:21

Just don't. It will mess up your relationship. You could buy a flat and let her rent it from you for a peppercorn rent. That way you've got an asset and she's benefitting from it.

ImNotAPanda · 21/04/2024 12:26

@Marven inreally don’t understand people saying don’t do it. Why the hell not?

Don’t do it anonymously, don’t pay for a years rent, don’t drip feed it to her. Just say you’ve come into some money and you would like to gift it to her if she wanted to spend it on a deposit or round the world cruise, whatever she wanted. There is nothing to pay back and it’s hers to do as she wants with. How will it end the friendship??

Jaxhog · 21/04/2024 12:26

It's a wonderful thing to do, but do it anonymously?

ImNotAPanda · 21/04/2024 12:26

Antibetty · 21/04/2024 12:21

Just don't. It will mess up your relationship. You could buy a flat and let her rent it from you for a peppercorn rent. That way you've got an asset and she's benefitting from it.

This is more messed up as she’s beholden and tied to the OP then. That affects a friendship more than just giving her money

Mirabai · 21/04/2024 12:27

Fwiw I once thought of giving a friend a big gift, but I realised that she would always feel beholden to me, if I ever invited her to something she would feel she ought to do it and I would never know if she genuinely wanted to or felt obliged. It can’t not change the friendship. And what if the friendship ever became more distant or ceased altogether?

In the end I gave my friend a smaller amount that wasn’t significant enough to change anything.

Mirabai · 21/04/2024 12:27

ImNotAPanda · 21/04/2024 12:26

This is more messed up as she’s beholden and tied to the OP then. That affects a friendship more than just giving her money

Show quote history

Xpost. Exactly. It will change the relationship fundamentally.

BlancheSaysYes · 21/04/2024 12:33

What a lovely idea. If I were your friend, I would be delighted and not the least bit offended.

I would offer it as an interest free loan rather than a gift, so she doesn't feel like a charity case. Then a few months down the line, tell her she doesn't need to pay it back.

anythinginapinch · 21/04/2024 12:35

Perhaps if the OP had been specific rather than vague about "some savings" and "reasonably well off" or wtte, she'd be lambasted for being a show off and "not reading the room".

Say she has a couple of millions in pension and savings, no mortgage and wealthy parents. And she earns 500k a year.

What do you think now, about her giving away £80k? It's hardly going to put her kids at risk or herself in penury.

Or what is she just knows she "has enough". Whatever that figure is to her.

It's so bloody depressing to read the relentless "it'll ruin the friendship" "kids and self first" "you must be naive" posts.

ImNotAPanda · 21/04/2024 12:41

100% don’t offer it as a loan, that is far worse, especially the then “surprise it’s a gift”. I would think how the fuck am I going to pay this back and always have to pay or explain why I can’t. That’s messed up.

WinterDeWinter · 21/04/2024 12:43

I don't agree you shouldn't do it - it will change her life.

BUT I would say that it's a very very long term low interest loan that won't become repayable unless and until she starts making x amount or x% above the average or something like that.

Or you could couch it as a lifetime investment in the property that only becomes active when she or her estate sells the property.

Summerpussy · 21/04/2024 12:46

Put in to a fund for your children
You have no idea how their lives will turn out
They may end up a single parent of numerous children,and be desperate for money..or something may happen that stops them working and earning or like my family they may have an ill child who can't work as an adult ..
I think you will regret giving it a friend when your own children are adults..it's a difficult world out there ,your own children and grandchildren will need it

Jk8 · 21/04/2024 12:46

Personally I wouldn't but I would broach wether she wanted to buy a house/was able too given mortgage lending & rate rises

Or better yet if your in a better position offer to help her get a home loan via a cheaper bank (probably europe=speak to mortgage broker who covers Europe as well as UK)

moofolk · 21/04/2024 12:47

I think the people saying don't are very tight. If you can afford it and it would significantly improve her life then why not?

That saying it'll be the end of your friendship - maybe it will be the end of your friendship not to. You would always be thinking how you could have helped her but didn't in case it was awkward

someonethatyoulovetoomuch · 21/04/2024 13:05

If I had the money to help my friends I absolutely would, and I wouldn’t be offended if a friend offered me a life changing sum of money either! I really feel like people have strange friendships if they’d be ruined over something as kind as this.

I’d just have an honest conversation with her OP - “I’ve inherited X and I’d like to gift you Y to help you to buy a house / invest for the future etc is that something you’d be happy with?”. Easy! I’m sure OPs friend is a grown up who can make the decision for herself. I’d be so upset if a group of internet strangers talked a friend out of potentially changing my life.

Thriving30 · 21/04/2024 13:05

It's a lovely thought but money can ruin friendships

Mnk711 · 21/04/2024 13:08

Also thinking about it you don't need to pretend you've won the lottery, you could just say you always thought about what you WOULD do if you won the lottery and you would want to help her. So now you've come into this money that's what you'd like to do. Cleaner than a lie but brings to mind the lottery and how all of us think about treating our loved ones.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/04/2024 13:11

If you value the friendship at all then you will not give the money so that it is traceable to you in any way. However kindly meant, you will be lady bountiful, no longer a friend. If you want to give the money then anonymously with no link to you is the only way.

People knock their friendships out of equilibrium at their peril.

Gettoachiro · 21/04/2024 13:24

If you can afford it, do it. If you don't want it to cause any issues say you won the lottery. She might reject it and if so then so be it, but it will probably make her day! (More than her day!)

sonjadog · 21/04/2024 13:25

How could it be given completely anonymously? If someone suddenly announced they were giving me a huge some of money, for no obvious reason and with no way of finding out who, I would assume it was some scam or illegal money laundering or something like that, and tell them to fuck off. I would think anyone sane would do the same.

If you want to give it to her, then you do it above board, no lies. The truth will come out at some point and then she will feel tricked, guilty and angry. Don't hide truths from adults about their own lives.

ArchaeoSpy · 21/04/2024 13:25

Thriving30 · 21/04/2024 13:05

It's a lovely thought but money can ruin friendships

its apitty people were not more able to see past the money

Whatonearth07957 · 21/04/2024 13:33

I would offer £5k to help and invest the rest in a trust for my children. You have absolutely no certainty they'll inherit from you or your family in the future.