AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

[Marven]

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

The council will look at trusts as part of their deprivation of assets investigation. I used to work for the council and they have an excellent legal team for this very reason. Elderly care is very expensive and if the council can get out of paying they absolutely will so you cannot assume that putting it in a trust will work.

The replies to this post are absolutely enraging.
Yes - give your friend who has been struggling the money. What a lovely thing to do. If for some reason she got mad about it then I guess she's not the friend you thought and you'd don't see her that much so move on. But who would get mad about being given a big lump of cash?!
And if you truly don't care about what she spends it on then great - you won't get mad about it either!

I feel like a lot of people on here are just jealous they don't have a friend who would give them a lump of money 😂

I’d definitely do it anonymously if you do it.

That would avoid a number of the concerns outlined on this thread.

I agree. Do not offer a loan or a house, as then there is the stress of having to pay it back. Just offer it as a gift. You have come into some money and you want to share it with some people that you care about. A gift is a gift. It is kind, and it is beautiful. Do not listen to the people who do not even understand why you want to because they are not kind or generous people. Some people on here seem to think you want to do it to feel good yourself, which is very telling, I think. Listen to the people who understand your desire to be kind and help others.

I don’t think it’s true that people saying don’t do it are well off; just realistic. Care home fees are over a thousand pounds a week for very basic council care. My FIL his care home is £1,500 a week. Don’t bank on your children inheriting from grandparents. Uni is expensive and will get more so. The state of the NHS means that many are paying privately to access care.

also in your OP you say you have a ‘bit of savings’, that doesn’t sound much and whilst this is a very kind thought you’re willing to take away your families financial future security for someone who was a friend at uni and that you see ‘every few years’.

I can’t fathom all the responses to ‘don’t do it’ you have the opportunity to change your friends life immeasurably, you sound very happy with your life and want to do something for someone you care about. What’s the worse that can actually happen, I just don’t get the comments. Even if you fell out which is a big IF then so what, your life is a happy one. Your gut says you want to pass on some good fortune, I’d go with your gut.

The naivete on here is astonishing really.

This is only relevant if you have to access council care. Many if not most people have to pay for their own care as they don’t have the vanishingly small amount of assets that would qualify them for state care.

Gives her the opportunity to retain her dignity? @sykadelic This is the most condescending thing I have ever heard, and I would definitely NOT be accepting this from a friend. My goodness.

If I won the lottery, I would absolutely give some to my friends, even if it was just £5/10k.

As long as this isn’t a loan and you have absolutely no expectations/restrictions on what she can spend it on then I would tell her you’ve won some money and would like to give her some but don’t say it like she’s a charity case.

I’ve heard about people winning the lottery and giving their money away, only for their friends/family to spend it all and then keep asking or think they must have won much more than they’re letting on and they end up falling out.

I’ve also heard of the money being given as a gift and it being spent on boob jobs, tattoos and a new dog etc which the giver was really unhappy about and it led to them falling out.

But on the other hand my friend gave me £50 when she inherited money.
She knew I wouldn’t accept it so put it through my door in an envelope with a note telling me she won’t accept it back.

I initially refused it and told her I would give it back and wasn’t going to spend it.
It doesn’t seem like much but to me it was literally life changing.

I hasn’t told anyone but I only had £5 left to last me 2 weeks as a single parent and I had a job interview which would have cost £3 on the bus.
I chose to go to the interview thinking of the long term positives but the bus didn’t turn up. I remembered the money and ran home and got a taxi just in time to go to my interview which I was successful in and I was able to buy food and nappies for the next 2 weeks.

My friend giving me that money literally changed my life and I am so grateful she was generous to give it to me, when she had absolutely no obligation to do so.

Obviously we’re talking about massive differences in the amount of money being given but due to my income at the time it would have been equivalent to £1000s compared to your income.

You sound like a lovely friend.
Please keep us updated.

Surely not a very close friend if you only see her every few years?

Sorry, you're clearly a very generous, kind person - but I wouldn't see this ending very well.

It's a large sum of money, invest it in your children's futures. Charity begins at home, not in the pocket of an old uni friend you hardly have any contact with. And the whole "parents gave a deposit to brother, and nothing to her" is only HER side of the story.

Frankly, if I was your child in years to come, I think I'd be quite cross to find that my mum had given that sort of money to a random old friend.

I wouldn't do it, your children may need that in the future you don't know so id rather put it in trust for them instead just in case. I would treat my friends instead like an all expenses paid holiday or meals out or spa days / shopping trip etc.

OP I think it’s wonder that you’re such a lovely friend. Offer the money and tell your friend you don’t care what she does with it (and really mean that).

also if i really wanted to help id rather give her things rather than money as money can feel awkward to accept more than items can

OP doesn’t say that, she just says the families are “reasonably well off” which doesn’t mean anything.

And OP says she has a “bit of” savings - which could mean anything. And she says nothing about a pension.

"Frankly, if I was your child in years to come, I think I'd be quite cross to find that my mum had given that sort of money to a random old friend."

I'd be horrified to raise a child with such a sense of entitlement.

Best intentions and all that - you want her to spend it on a house deposit. What if she chooses to spend it on travelling or to give up working.
I think you might be better off suggesting you have some spare cash and you would be happy to invest in a house with her - where you only get your return when she sells ie a percentage of the profit after expenses etc. That way a) you know the money is going to be spent on a house and b) she has a lot of freedom from the purchase time to basically do as she wishes.

If they have any joint friends then they may be upset you didn’t share your good fortune with them.

This.

I can honestly say I would do the same.
I will be selling a company in the next few years and will be buying my best friend's rental for her. It will be less than 10% of the total I receive. My adult children will have similar amounts and we will retire.
My best friend has never been able to work due to some trouble in the past and she had a violent partner who left her and her DC with nothing. I couldn't spend big money on my family and not help her. She's been a good friend to me.

It's a nice thought but if she does a lot of travelling she is spending potential property deposit. She might spend your gift on other things and she is still renting.

Perhaps she doesn't want to have the outgoings of her own property. Although it will never be her house a mortgage could be higher than rent and it is still her home. The rental may be fully furnished, she may get some bills included, repairs and maintenance are not her responsibility. She can move somewhere else without the procedures and expense of everything that goes with buying and selling your own property.

Give her a smaller amount e.g. £10k so she can spend as she pleases but invest the bulk for your future as no one knows what is around the corner.

@Mirabai she says the sum is about 5% of her assets, and it sounds like there's further family wealth.

I have to say I feel a bit discouraged by the "charity begins at home" comments, and those who would be "annoyed" if their parent gifted money to someone outside the family.

I think the issue here though is that the friend isn’t a particularly close friend. If I only saw a friend every few years, I wouldn’t class them as a close friend. It just seems a very large sum to share with someone who appears to have become just an acquaintance at best.

All of you saying it would ruin the friendship or to give it to charity. OMG.

OP I think it is a wonderful thing to do, and ultimately it will change her life for the better, which is an amazing thing to do.

If someone offered to help me get on the property ladder, I would be eternally grateful and it would change the life of me and my children, why would it change our friendship?

I say go for it

I wouldn’t lie about it being lottery money. Only you know the relationship you have with your friend. I have a dear friend who gifted me a large amount of money. Our friendship is as strong as ever—I knew she wanted to help me as she had come into a huge windfall. I’m grateful for the help and she is happy to see me on stable ground.