AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

[Marven]

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

I would gift her money if it's something you can do and something you want to do. However, I would talk to her. Because if you gift based on the assumption she needs it for xyz, then that may come across as very patronising and saviour like, thus ruining the tone of the friendship.

If you really don't care about what she does with the money then don't mention buying a house at all because it gives the message that strings are attached, even though you say they're not.

Just have an honest conversation and say that you've come into a very large chunk of money, and you would like to gift some of it to her, with no strings attached, because she's a very significant part of your life and you want to share your good fortune with her.

Good luck

If you don't care about the future of the friendship, give her the money. But be prepared for further requests you finance her in future.

Given the proportion of your own assets you are talking about, I love this. I think I would frame it as lotto money and a deposit or years rent. If she's a good enough friend to offer this amount of money, I'd think you can have a fairly frank conversation. I'd make it clear that you will notarise the no strings, not change your opinion of her or her lifestyle in any way however she responds, and perhaps suggest you have earmarked a certain amount for people you especially care about. She doesn't need to know that's only her.

These are the sort of acts I wish I had the assets to do. Sounds like she has had a terrible start. So many people get started with family support. It's not her fault she doesn't have that, and how wonderful to be able to offer it. I've spent time this weekend with the people who did everything for me when I had nowhere to live as a teen 30 years ago. It's never been financial but that love and support from people with no obligation to help me gave me so much more.

I knew someone whose sister helped her in a similar way. Although grateful, the recipient felt it highlighted how different their lives were and the relationship did suffer a bit. She didn't like feeling beholden to someone else

Thing is, if you say you don't care what she does with it, you have to be entirely happy if she fritters it away on plastic surgery, five-star holidays or Mulberry handbags.

Put it away for your kids! They may not inherit if grandparents’ money is eaten up in care fees. That money would be a house deposit or uni fees each.

I wouldn't be offended or think differently of someone who offered me money I don't think, to help me but I can't fathom why you wouldn't invest it for your children.
It's very kind of you to want to help your friend though.

What does your partner think?

What would the people that you got the money from think? If it's an inheritance then I know they aren't around to have an opinion but I know I'd not like it if money I gave or left to a child gave a lump of it to a friend. I'd want the money to be used by my kids or grandkids.

We've given lumps of money to our kids and we always make it clear it is for them to do what they want with. We say this in words and we say it in our actions however I'd be gutted if they gave away 'our' hard earned cash - we wouldn't say anything but It would make me reassess how we deal with things.

How old are your kids OP? I think I'd wait until they are older and see how things go. I guess it depends how much money you have but it seems strange to give away money that you could keep for your children.

You seem very unsure about whether to do this or not if you are being so heavily influenced by what people are saying on a Mumsnet thread.

Why don't you do nothing for a few years. Maybe just give her £5k for now. It is an unusual thing to do and seems a bit impulsive.

@Marven

This is so wonderful. You seem like exactly the type of person one would love to accept a gift from. You have no rules or expectations attached to it. I think your friend will most likely accept it. Will be absolutely grateful for it and when you make it clear there are no expectations re how it is used - she will not feel like she owes you or feel guilty/shame. Your friend sounds like someone reasonable and smart who is trying to make her life better and stable. Therefore, she will most likely use the money in the way you have imagined - to purchase a house. Make some time to see her and just say ‘Hey, I have come into a great amount of money. I want to share some with you. How do you feel about it? It’s a gift and you can do whatever you want with it…’ it is really
that simple. You will get a positive or negative vibe immediately and this approach does not pro long it. Regarding your friendship. I am 30 and I have a school best friend I met in year 7 and we see each other every few years….when we meet its like we have seen each other everyday. We just pickup where we left off. I am married with kids - she is chasing her dream of being a Paediatrician. As our family/career evolves so will our friendship and the amount of time we see each other. So, I totally get your friendship…honestly, you will be doing a lovely thing. I really do not see how your friendship will change? Your not giving her millions to suddenly start a lifestyle of the rich and famous. Even if she refuses - I doubt it will cause any resentment. Once you do give her the money - text her or put reference as ‘gift’ so she will have even more peace of mind. You do not need to get solicitors involved - why? Your not attaching any conditions to the money? This might scare her tbh. The whole buying house/rent/give it to her in increments are just complicated and setting conditions upon her. She will likely refuse them. Just gift her the amount you are comfortable with. No less and no more. There is no point thinking deeply into how much is useful for a deposit/house purchase or this or that -
more money is always better. Purchasing a home is not just about a deposit (legal fees, stamp duty, estate agent, mortgage fees
etc etc). So the 50-80k sounds really good. Maybe some left over for decoration and holiday.

A few weeks ago, my friends’ mom was really struggling financially. Friend already supports her long term. All our mutual friends gave a little sum (some bigger than others) and gave it to her mom. Friend was grateful not upset or feel embarrassed. I know yours is a lot more!! But maybe response will be the same.

Good Luck OP - remember no matter what her response, you still did a wonderful thing by offering.

I think it's very kind, and with the right handling doesn't have to be the toxic, friendship-tainting act others are suggesting. I think the ingredients that would make it work are, as others have said, give her a bit of pre-warning (a brief message outlining your intention to gift her some money so she can start to digest the news in private), and then a proper chat in which you emphasise that the gift is no strings attached, can be spent on anything she likes, and you'd prefer to never mention it again (obviously you need to thoroughly check-in with yourself that these things are 100% true. Try and imagine the worst way she could possibly spend the money, and see how you feel about that).

The white lie that you've won the lottery is an interesting one. I can see how that might ease the situation, but there's also something a bit patronising in fudging the truth somehow. If I was being "patronised" (in a positive way) with this gift, I think I'd rather have the dignity of being trusted with the whole truth, iykwim?

I agree with this. You say you want her to save for a deposit but she might not do that. She might blow it all on fripperies- people do, especially people who arent used to having large sums and investing. You say thats fine but I wonder how you would genuinely feel if this happens and she ends up in exactly the same position she is now in 2 years time for example.

Give it to her, but be fully prepared that she might not get a flat or a house and you'll have to be 100% ok with her not saving it and blowing it all. If that makes you even a tiny bit uncomfortable then you shouldn't do it. Once the money is hers she can do whatever she wants with it and its clear from your posts that you do have some expectation that she'll save and buy a house with it.

That may never happen.

I agree with all of this.

I think it’s a very kind idea but the reality can’t not affect the friendship.

Also you say you have “some” savings - how much? Do you have a good pension? By the sounds of it you need to build up your own savings and you can always put more into a pension.

I like this poster’s idea of investing in a BTL - that would be a good investment for you and you could charge DF a subsidised rent. Although that has its drawbacks too - if for whatever reason you needed to raise the rent to pay for repairs or even sell - and she wasn’t able to cover it or find anything comparable, that would be highly problematic.

To those wondering why she doesn't invest it for her children, I'm sure she's considered their future finances and has decided that they have enough wealth coming their way already. Even if her kids don't ever know about this particular thing, I imagine they're benefiting a great deal from her kindness and sense of fairness as a human being. Setting your kids up well isn't just about finances.

I don't understand some of these responses, I've always said I'd offer to help out my friends if I came into a very large sum of money, why not share the joy! Whether she accepts is up to her but you sound close enough to have the conversation.

What a lovely gesture! You are very kind! I’m not sure if this has been suggested before but could you buy a property in her area, and keep the rent she pays and then after say x years, give her the rent back as her deposit? So you haven’t directly given her the money but helped facilitate her buying her own place?

This sounds very sensible and you invest the money. You don’t know the future and you don’t know how much financial assistance your own children will need. DD in her first year at uni-rent £10k; stuff to set her up (kitchen stuff, towels, duvets etc etc) came to around £1k. She gets minimal grant which didn’t even cover half the rent. And limited job availability means we support her with the rent and general living costs as well. DS goes this year so we will have 2 to support at the same time. Are you in a position to be able to do that without this money?

I agree.

No-one knows what’s round the corner. GPs could easily eat up all their assets with care fees. Or OP might develop any disease of old age. 80k only covers one year in a care home.

What's you're imagining is a fantasy. Reality rarely matches up, with all sorts of unintended consequences. Wise people thoroughly think through the implications.

Don’t ever be naive enough to count on money “coming your way”.

Why don't YOU try to buy a house in the area she wants and let her rent cheaply from you? You can say that you have always been wanting to invest in a second property (or you "inherited" it from an unknown, mysterious great aunt). Say about how it is so important to have a decent tenant, etc.....

That way, you retain the basic capital. Your friend retains her dignity and might be able to save for her own place. Your friendship maybe retains its original dynamics. You are helping her if you offer paying no rent at all and maybe even buying some white goods.

I wouldn’t. I really wouldn’t want to feel beholden to a friend in that way.

A lovely thought, but far too much money. Whilst you say you and your children are secure financially atm, who knows what could happen in the future? There are many people who have been comfortable but then lost it or some life changing event has changed their situation.

Yep- I know so many people who counted on inheritance and didnt get a penny due to various circumstances, the main obvious one being care home fees which can cost 60k+ a year.

Maybe it's guaranteed, in trusts? I know plenty of people who's kids will definitely be getting large sums of money this way.

I suspect that the people telling you not to do it are, for the most part, very well off themselves. I am not well off. I struggle to provide for my family and have a husband who cannot work. Neither my family nor my in-laws have any money. We will inherit nothing. We are in debt just trying to get by. Honestly, the thought of someone giving me 50k is a dream that would never be a reality. I suspect your friend would feel embarrassed but be delighted. If you are worried about the dynamics, either lie and tell her you won the lottery or give it to her anonymously. Either way, you should still give it. It is a beautiful, wonderful, generous thing to do, and you would really change her life in a way that you probably cannot imagine because you have been luckier in life with your upbringing.

Please, do not let other people who are probably also rich stop you from doing such a warm-hearted, kind, generous thing all because it might make you feel uncomfortable or change your relationship a bit (both of which can be avoided by doing one of the suggestions above). Really think about what they are saying: they want you to not do this because of social discomfort, but what you are offering has the potential to completely transform the lives of a family. Do not underestimate the huge, detrimental effect of financial stress on the physical and psychological health of a person or the very deep impact it can make on their lives.