AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

[Marven]

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

I find it strange that so many people are warning you off. If it's intended as a gift and you have a great relationship I see no harm in having the discussion. It's more complex when someone asks you for financial help, and/or when you're talking about a loan rather than a gift. I have two good female friends who I would do this for if I could and I know they'd want to do the same.

Make the offer to help out financially if she's struggling but bowl up with "look, I want to give you £50k" and she'll wonder what the f... I would broach it gently, tell her you've come into some money and would really like to help her out but you dont want to make her feel awkward or insult her. Just be transparent and honest.

What about buying a house as an investment in her area but letting her live their rent free ?

op can you afford to buy a property outright then rent it back to her on a peppercorn rent in exchange for her looking after the property. that would give her a chance to start saving, you'd have an investment in property and you'd have a trusted caretaker. she'd have a home and be able to save a deposit

I wouldn't give it away. you may find you need it later on to help children with university, first homes etc. you can't rely in them inheriting from grandparents. the money could fade away if they needed long term care for example

you're very kind to even think of it

That's really generous of you. I'd bring it up via talk about her aspirations about her housing situation. 'How's it going, do you think you'll get the deposit together etc.' However she responds, you can then lead it into, 'you know, I've been thinking long and hard about this...'
She will need to think about it definitely. It may be too much for her to think of the fact she's not expected to repay it. So that conversation will need to be had. To reassure her you don't need it back at any point. And also that it's not necessarily for the deposit.

Seems odd
What about the friends you are close to?

I wouldn't. Whilst it's a very lovely idea, I would hate it. I'd feel bad about whatever I'd did, I'd feel judged every single time I went out to eat, on holiday, bought clothes. Because when I've been loaned money before (which I have paid back) this is what happens.

I'd suggest you offer to buy a btl property in an area she likes. She can live in it for as long as she needs at low.rent. you've helped her and kept your money safe.

I would also Be wary of assuming moneybis coming your way. Your parents could need care. Or decide to give their money to the cat charity. Or, someone could gamble it all away. I know it sounds silly, but the point remains that you can't rely on money coming to you.

The other option I'd consider is finding small charities around you and donating 25k to each. That would help them potentially employ someone, or just boost their funding.

I haven’t read the whole thread, so not sure if this has been mentioned, but if you could buy a house in her part of the country and allow her to live there rent free (or for a peppercorn rent) then she would have a chance to save a deposit, and once she’s able to do that, you could either sell it (maybe to her) or continue to rent it out, and she would have the chance to buy her own place. So you wouldn’t be gifting her a large sum, but enabling her to have the chance to save.

I think this is a wonderful idea.
Even if it ruins your friendship you will know that you have done a good deed and made a difference to someones life.
If you gave it to charity you would not know how it had helped whereas your friend has given you happy memories and you will be able to see it make a difference.

And don't forget that she will need to pay tax on it.

I'm more selfish than you but it's different to have worked for your money as opposed to come into a massive free windfall. I would be gifting that to parents/children/siblings to ensure their lives were easier. Never anticipate any potential inheritance. If you lost your income in the next year, will that amount make any difference?
Have you paid off your own mortgage? Have you maximised your own pensions & ISAs? Have your DC been set up with their own JISA/JSIPP investments?

If you literally have won the lottery then do it. I wouldn't tell anyone - look at all the unwanted opinions here!
Gift it with no strings attached. Don't control what she can spend it on. She may spend it all on travel/luxury holidays and you need to be OK with that.

That is a very good idea but even a one bedroomed flat would cost a lot more than £50-80k and op would be responsible for maintenance. It's a thought though.

This is so weird- the responses, not the post.

Just give it to her as you planned, it's really kind and would change her life for the better.

I don't think it would ruin the friendship at all unless you're intending to lord it about once you've given it to her- which it sounds like you're not.

It's just a good and kind thing to do and everyone on this thread seems to be weird about money.

I would do this for my closest friend and I'm sure she'd do the same. I don't think it would spoil our friendship because we've known the challenges of eachothers lives since we were teens.

Any sort of BTL /peppercorn rent solution surely increases the risk of making things weird, as it prolongs the imbalanced power dynamic. A one-off no strings gift would keep things more "clean" imo.

@Marven

I'm thirty odd years in the charitable sector and my job is literally grant giving. For individuals. It's a joy to do but it's really tough to be fair and stringent on who is "eligible" and who "deserves" and to define "needs" over "wants". It's not my money, after all.

Your gift, freely given, is your choice and it sounds like you're really thinking about it. Which is a good thing. What happens if you do this. What happens if you don't. What difference will it make.

What will preserve your friendship is open and honest communication. If this was a windfall from family, it would be welcome without question. Heck, if you were to die and leave in a will to your friend then no question. Explain this is a living legacy. And check out the tax implications on that.

Best of luck. This has been an interesting thread. I'm saddened by so many of the responses. The best and worst of mumsnet all in one place x

I would 100% do this if I came into a lot of money. I can't image benefiting so much without spreading my good fortune to make my friend's lives easier. I would also accept it if it came my way, but only if there weren't a load of conditions and it would depend on the friendship. I have often dreamed about just giving money to strangers too, just pay their rent for a year, knowing how that kind of thing would take a burden off me. I'd love to have the chance to do it. So I say do it, maybe the lottery route.

I'd be absolutely thrilled and relieved that I wasn't having to stress about money every single fucking day. It would be amazing and I'd love that I had a friend who cared so much about my situation.

In your situation I'd definitely offer her the money. You have explained that giving this money away would be no detriment to you and your family and I completely agree with your comment about some people working and struggling their whole lives and never getting a break whilst others have advantages and money just handed to them.

To quote the playwright, Thornton Wilder, "Money is like manure. It should be spread around." This gift could give your friend the opportunity to buy her own home and give her security for the rest of her life.

I would definitely speak to her, face to face and explain that while there are no conditions attached, you know she wants to buy her own home and you would love to help make that happen because you feel it's unfair you had the opportunity, but she didn't. Obviously you could also make it clear that if she wants to spend all or some of it on it on travelling you are happy with that too.

Talk to her Op, you won't know what her decision would be until you make that offer.

Because it is a lot of hassle just buying a house and let alone dealing with all the issues of renting it out etc. That would be a sure fire way of ruining a friendship.

The OP is thinking of doing a wonderful thing. I don't understand why everyone is so negative.

What tax? The only tax that is due is IHT if the OP dies within 7 years of giving the gift.

But she's currently paying rent and obviously would need a mortgage.

Which could well be affordable. There's plenty of places where you can buy a flat or even a house for £100-200k, which could be very affordable with a mortgage, it's just that she's currently paying rent so unable to save a deposit.

I Don’t know if anyone else has mentioned this, but bear in mind any tax implications attached to such a gift, and whether it would impact any social welfare she may be receiving. It’s a really lovely idea, but you need to talk to your friend face to face & come up with a solution together

5% of your current wealth obv isnt a lot to you so can understand why you want to help

Have a chat face to face so can gauge her reactions

If you really don't care what she does with £50/80k whether deposit or spunking it then fine give it no strings attached

It's counter intuitive perhaps but would be better off offering it as a lend of X money for a deposit (or possibly buy depending on where up north she is!) and she can pay you back as and when, no rush on starting repayments, no interest kind of thing.

An aunt did something similar for me and I chip away at the total monthly and take breaks months I want or increase in bonus month etc. and its not affected our relationship negatively at all. As a present it would be a burden but as I can pay it back as suits me it doesn't feel demeaning. You can tell her you don't need a lawyer to draw anything up, We just kept ours light, typed up a few paragraphs on word specifying there was no interest, repayment at the choice of the person receiving the money etc.