AIBU to offer friend big chunk of money?

[Marven]

Difficult one... I've just come into some money. I already own my house, have two kids and a bit of savings. Mine and my partners families are reasonably well off, and so I know the kids will also be thought of by their grandparents.
This lump of money will give me some to upgrade the house and some to put away for the future.

I'm thinking of giving like £50-80k to my friend... How do I handle that and would you be offended if your friend tried to give you money?

My friend - we used to be close at uni, but live far apart now and life and family get in the way, but still keep in touch and see each other every few years. Last time I saw her she'd had to move rented accomodation again and was saying how shs didn't know if she'd ever be able to buy. Her family is not well off and they'd promised her some money for a deposit, but had then gone and given it all to her brother with nothing left for her! She works hard, travels a fair bit, but she just hasn't had the really fortunate start that I have in life.

If I gave her the money, I would have no expectation about what she did with it, although her talking about buying a house was what sparked this idea for me. I honestly wouldn't care. She's had a tough life and she deserves whatever she wants and however she wants to live her life. I just think that this £50-80k would make a much bigger difference to her life than to mine.

We don't live in the same area - she's up north so I'm hoping that money could be a useful deposit?

How would you broach it, or would you just be totally offended by it?

Came to say the same - unless you are understating your savings then I think you should make sure you're all sorted (as far as you can plan for) first. For instance, would you perhaps be in a situation where you'd want to help out your children with deposits, too? You mention grandparents but it's impossible to say what might come down and when.

I'd consider using some of the funds to speak to a financial planner to properly map out how much you and your family need into the future, and how much to set aside as a reserve. So lovely of you to consider this, though.

I'd do it as a property investment - to be repaid as a share on the death of your friend or sale of the house. And use a solicitor.
That way she benefits but you and she are protected.
Friendships go South - she may get a new man - an abuser, a gambler, someone who marries her and takes half. Someone who hates you. She may feel uncomfortable telling you she went on holiday or bought a new car.. and so distances herself. She may feel she has to keep thanking you..."Of course we couldn't have done it without your kind gift..". You may discover you weren't such good friends as you thought - and it all leaves a nasty taste.

How would you feel if it were the other way round? I know I'd hate it. It would ruin the friendship.

Waiting for the thread "AIBU - Friend I gave £80k to has got new DP - and ghosted me. AIBU to feel betrayed?"

If you really don't mind how she spends it then give it to her. Might make future conversations difficult if you are not going to ask about the money because it's a life changing amount. So if she buys a house or goes on lots of holidays you'll know why.
However, I get the impression that you'd like to give her the opportunity to buy a house or flat. In which case, talk to her, see what she'd like to buy / how much mortgage she could afford and offer the £ as a deposit, either as a gift or long term loan.

Why not use the funds as a deposit and buy a BTL property that you could then rent to her at a reduced rate therefore protecting your funds for your family in the future. This way you are still making a big difference to her life.

I really hope you do help her. You know your situation the best and if you really do have more than enough money for a safety net then I think you should help her. But agree you need to seek financial advice. You could even spin it that a financial advisor advised you to give some money away for tax purposes or something.
I think you need to have a conversation with her and see what she thinks. I like PP's idea of treating her to a weekend away as a sort of testing the water thing to see how receptive she'd be.
It makes me feel quite sad that so many people are saying don't do it 😞

A nice thought but I wouldn't.

I don't think this is a good idea but if you do go ahead, don't lie about where the money came from. It's not morally better to give up part of a lottery win than family money. And unnecessary lies are never a good thing.

You seem very fixated on her owning a home, as if life is not worth living if you don't. We happen to have fairly high home ownership in the UK but plenty of people don't own homes, more so in other countries.

If she spends a lot on travelling, maybe that suggests she values that over home ownership, and why not? It's a valid choice. If she's married, one day her ex may take half the proceeds of the house and she could end up unable to buy again. And despite what you say, I think you'd be very disappointed if she didn't spend it on a house at all.

I feel she may see you as Lady Bountiful and resent your patronage. Even the offer could end the friendship. Talking about money between friends is very difficult. I have close friends of many decades and I know a lot about their jobs and lifestyles but I'd never ask how much money they actually have.

Don’t not do it based on mumsnet. Mumsnet is great but also weird. Like any online forum the norm here is not always reflected in the real world.

I would say offer to your friend but only if a- you’re iron clad certain you can afford it and don’t expect it back, and that is is a one off b- word won’t get out to others in your social circle who feel they are owed a share.

If I was in your shoes I’d do it (if I was as generous as you, which I’m not sure I am!) and if in was in your friends shoes I’d gratefully accept & say thank you! But I’m not a very proud person. You know your friend best and how she’s likely to respond. So go with your gut. Not us on here!

I totally agree with @Lilaciriscrossabove!

I think people are being awfully cynical on here and it doesn't reflect real life. Offer the money- what a lovely thing to do and it will make a huge difference to her life, by the sounds of it.

Please don't get put off by random strangers on the Internet making you doubt your good intententions. Switch off and follow your instinct.

Are you so well off you don't need this money for your DC?

Do you have money to see them through university, give them both a substantial deposit on a house and support them with any emergencies that come their way?

Do you have money to support yourself should you need care when you're old?

Unless the answer is "yes, all this is covered and more" don't even consider doing it.

FWIW I used to have a fantasy that I'd help a friend out if I came into money, by buying her a flat. She'd had a tough life and I wanted her to be happy.

But decades later, I can see how patronising this would have been.

Had I bought her a flat it would have made our whole relationship really weird. And she's doing fine I'm rented accommodation, she didn't need me to swoop in and be some kind of misguided saviour.

I have always thought about this in the context of what if I won the lottery.

I work in a care home and there’s people there who have worked so bloody hard day in day out and they don’t have what I think they should have to show for it.

I would find a way to use a solicitor to do it anonymously.

I have received money from wills of someone I don’t know before and just been informed and received cash so I am sure it is possible.

You wouldn’t want the dynamics of just giving money.

To those saying about her traveling - if you don't have any help from parents, you're working and paying rent, the amount needed for a deposit from scratch to buy is almost impossible. Why shouldn't she go travelling, as well as saving the bits left over. I don't begrudge her going away and enjoying herself when buying her own place must feel so unobtainable

I like the idea of just paying her rent for a year or so , so that she can save. Something like that could work

I wouldn't tell her I won the lotto. You'll always know that it's not true, and could feel awkward in the future, especially if things get tough in the friendship.

People are saying not to, because this is almost unheard of.
Personally I think it is a life changing, very generous and kind offer. If it is not going to impact much on your finances, do it!

It might be awkward for her at first, of course. But leave the idea with her and a way to make it easy to say yes. You know her best, you’ll know how to do it.

A 50k windfall will have a huge impact on most of us. Being able and willing to do that must feel so good. I can’t imagine that she’ll not be incredibly grateful for the offer.

Also - don’t lie about the lotto. There’s no need.

That's why I haven't travelled in ages. I'm busy saving.

I honestly don’t understand why people are saying not to. I am not in an unfortunate position but if I was and I had a friend who did this it certainly wouldn’t ruin my friendship. I think all you need to do is tell her you love her, regard her as family and since you don’t need the money would far rather it went to her and her children. Tell her she can do as she wishes with it, but it’s an early inheritance as you would absolutely leave her some in your will.

honestly, I am not this wealthy but I have a much loved friend in another country so I see her rarely. If I had this kind of money to give her I would in a heartbeat.

I haven’t read all the replies but am surprised so many are negative. I am the less fortunate one amongst my group of university friends. When dc were small a a friend gifted me £10k - she just put it in my bank account. She knew we were struggling and it was absolutely life changing in that moment. I didn’t ask for it, but I knew she did it with generosity and openness. I felt so loved and cared for.

she has never needed or expected the money back, and it has not affected our friendship. We are still close. Money is just a practical thing she has a lot of. In luckier times for me I have done the same for less fortunate friends (not the same amount, but cash gifts). We remain close.

op I think you’re a wonderful friend and if you can give the money freely, which I think you can, then I see no reason why it would not go well.

It's about 5% of my current assets. I'm sure there'll be more in the future because the system means those with money just get more, and those without find it harder to.

I'm feeling better about the more recent comments, so I think I'll do it, but tread carefully.

I will definitely speak to someone financial about the implications tho, as I don't really know much about it.

@abovethefold you sound like you have a lovely friendship:)

Gosh, does it make me terrible that if I were in your friend's situation, I would have no qualms about accepting your very generous offer? Equally, if I were in your position, @Marven, I would happily give my "lottery winnings", with no strings attached, to a friend whose life would definitely improved by a windfall. I work on the principle of never lending money that I can't afford to give away, as I've learned the hard way only to give freely what I can afford to "lose" so that I don't resent it if it's not repaid. That way, I can just forget about it and hope the recipient does, too!

Either offer to pay her rent for a year, as someone suggested above. Hopefully she'll take the opportunity to save for a deposit for her own property.

OR buy a BTL property and charge her peppercorn rent, but with an airtight rental agreement in case the friendship goes south, or she starts to misuse the property.

You never know what's round the corner. Your family or children might need that money one day.

Tell her you are looking to buy an investment property and will need a long term tenant. Ask her if she would be interested in helping you find one in her area and if she would like to be tenant. Explain you would wrote say a 10 year lease and she would pay say less than half market rate with the option to buy from you later the 10 years?

I wouldn't do it. Treat her to something nice a holiday, etc but this will change the dynamics in your friendship. Also as others have said you never know what's round the corner, keep it invest it for your DC when they go to uni, house deposits, etc

Advice to lottery winners who want to help friends and family is to give a small amount and see what they do with it

One option might be, if say, friend wants to buy a house worth £300K, you pay £60K and you own 1/5 of the house. Friend pays mortgage, bills, has free reign to decorate etc. This would enable her to buy a house, but on basis of both of you investing in it, and if / when the house is sold, you get £60K (or 1/5 of value) back. You'd need solicitor to draw up contract and still a risk things could go wrong, but investing in her house might be more palatable than a huge donation, which might well spoil the friendship