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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mother in Law did not use car seats for my children.

195 replies

ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 11:39

Hi everyone,

This will be a bit long so thank you for reading in advance and giving input.

My DH and I have two DC; a 3 year old and an 18 month old. We live in Sweden as he is Swedish and has family here. This week, he was away for work which doesn’t usually happen, and since I also work full time, we asked my MIL if she could pick up our girls on one of the days so that they could be picked up at 3pm instead of 6pm, since that was my latest working day. She agreed and a few days before, I sent her a text to let her know where pick up would be etc. I let her know that the childminder lives 15 min walk from our house and that since MIL doesn’t have car seats, she would need to pick them up by walking.

Fast forward to the morning after she picked them up - I have it confirmed by my childminder that MIL did indeed pick them up with her car, but childminder was not aware that she didn’t have car seats. I was livid and just in shock. The journey would only have been 5 minutes, but that doesn’t matter. These girls are the most precious thing in our life and not even 30 secs is worth the risk in my opinion. Not to mention, it is illegal.

I called her that afternoon and calmly asked her to explain what happened. She told me that she had them propped up on some cushions and then used the seatbelt. I told her that I was extremely upset about this, that what she did was dangerous and put the girls’ lives at risk. She responded with: ‘no, it wasn’t dangerous. I fixed it and it was perfect.’ I reiterated to her that I did not agree and that I was disappointed. She replied with: ‘you are angry about this, but that’s not my problem, that’s your problem.’ And, ‘I can’t do things your way, I do things my way and if you don’t like it, that’s not my problem.’ For certain things, I could buy that reasoning, but not for this ffs. 🤯

I was in utter shock and disbelief at this point. When I asked her why she ignored the wish for her to walk to pick them up, she replied with ‘I couldn’t walk that far and I didn’t know the way.’ She absolutely could walk that far; she is 63 years old and goes for hikes when she is abroad! I told her that if she didn’t want to walk, she could have told me days before and I would have arranged something else. She had no answer for me.

I ended the call by saying to her that I find it worrying that she does not see anything wrong with what she did, that this has made me lose trust entirely, and that this was the last time she would be asked to ever supervise the girls alone. Her response was: ‘well that’s your problem.’

My husband is also flabbergasted by this and said he will have a talk with her. I need to mention that this has not been the only occasion throughout the 11 years we have been together where she has disrespected me and crossed boundaries, but this is just a whole other level and involves my children’s safety. DH has had harsh conversations with her before about various things, but I don’t think that will cut it this time. I feel like I am done with this woman.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

PS. We never rely on her for childcare regularly, except for asking for a little bit of help for like two times a year and this was one of those times!

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 20/04/2024 11:48

No, that’s so ridiculously dangerous and stupid. Besides that not being a safe seating arrangement anyway, most 18mo wouldn’t know to sit still and would be able to get straight out of a normal seat belt and climb around the car! She should have said if she wanted it drive so you could arrange to put the car seats in her car beforehand if possible, or find another solution.

I’m pretty laid back, and of course the chances of something happening on a quick drive are slim, but things can happen and this is just unnecessarily dangerous and you’re right to not let her have care of them again. I hope you’re DH can talk some sense into her.

PotatoPudding · 20/04/2024 11:57

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

This tells me your issues go far beyond those mentioned in your post. You don’t punish or cut off communication. You point out that there is a reason child car seats are a legal requirement, perhaps backing it up with some facts or case studies. You have a grown-up discussion about it until she apologises.

BlueMum16 · 20/04/2024 11:59

What she did was wrong on so many levels. You have explained that to her. Your DP needs to also address this.

As for consequences, I personally would never ask her to provide supervision or lifts again but I wouldn't cut contact completely. The children need grandparents and if your DP can facilitate a relationship for their mum I think I'd accept that.

Dacadactyl · 20/04/2024 12:01

Cutting contact over this would be unreasonable in my opinion.

I just wouldn't ask her for help I'm future. The "it's your problem" seems to indicate she doesn't want to help with any childcare whatsoever. My in laws were the same.

Original poster
ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 12:04

PotatoPudding · 20/04/2024 11:57

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

This tells me your issues go far beyond those mentioned in your post. You don’t punish or cut off communication. You point out that there is a reason child car seats are a legal requirement, perhaps backing it up with some facts or case studies. You have a grown-up discussion about it until she apologises.

You are right - over the years, there have been so many occasions where she has behaved in an inappropriate and disrespectful manner towards me. This was the ultimate last straw. If this had not been the case, I would view cutting contact until an apology is offered as a bit extreme, but unfortunately this is just the most recent incident among a whole string of others in which she has shown she doesn’t give a shit about me at all. The way she spoke to me this time just solidified it. Plus, she clearly demonstrated that she doesn’t value her grandchildren the way a grandparent should.

OP posts:
Noyesnoyes · 20/04/2024 12:04

What she did was totally wrong, no excuse.

But that alone shoutd not be a reason for NC.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 20/04/2024 12:16

She sounds pig-headed and has just made herself redundant from ever being asked to help again. Assert new boundaries with her and dh, don't wait for him to do it as it'll never happen. Good luck.

NotTram · 20/04/2024 12:19

Wow 😮

mrsdineen2 · 20/04/2024 12:20

Absolutely fair and reasonable to have completely lost trust in her ability to drive them anywhere before they're old enough to be responsible for their own seatbelts.

But this is so far below the bar for going no contact. You're just seizing your chance here, aren't you?

rainbowstardrops · 20/04/2024 12:24

I wouldn't go no contact but I wouldn't be leaving my children with her! If she thinks propping small children up on cushions in a car is ok and 'your problem', I'd be worried what else she would be so blasé about too.

Choux · 20/04/2024 12:26

I would ask her why, if what she did was perfect, is it illegal? Why do safety experts and lawmakers say car seats are needed.

The chance of something happening was small. More than a remote possibility but small. But it's her 'I know best and I was definitely right' attitude that would make me conclude I couldn't entrust my kids safely to her care.

Original poster
ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 12:32

mrsdineen2 · 20/04/2024 12:20

Absolutely fair and reasonable to have completely lost trust in her ability to drive them anywhere before they're old enough to be responsible for their own seatbelts.

But this is so far below the bar for going no contact. You're just seizing your chance here, aren't you?

No, this isn’t about seizing any chance. I am not suggesting that we go NC forever. I am suggesting that if she refuses to see sense and acknowledges that what she did is not right, then we should refuse to communicate with her until she personally apologises to us. If she does this, then there is no need for NC.

Like I said to another poster, this is the last of a long line of incidents where she has crossed boundaries and not listened or apologised
when DH confronted her. He has had multiple harsh conversations with her and nothing ever changes. At what point do I draw the line?

OP posts:
GreatGateauxsby · 20/04/2024 12:32

except for asking for a little bit of help for like two times a year and this was one of those times!

You cant ask for this any more unfortunately/sadly

I think total NC is a bit much

Our rule with my mil is absolutely no unsupervised contact. Meaning myself or dh are physically in the same room at all times (even toilet breaks we ensure the other person is there). We accept we cant change her so forwars plan and put structure & boundaries in place so the kids can have a relationship.
I think you'd be very reasonable to insist on this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/04/2024 12:33

She replied with: ‘you are angry about this, but that’s not my problem, that’s your problem.’ And, ‘I can’t do things your way, I do things my way and if you don’t like it, that’s not my problem.’

Add this to the all-round disrespect and it couldn't be clearer ... the DCs don't go in her car again, or indeed anywhere "her way" is likely to put them in danger

I'm not sure I'd go as far as cutting her out completely, but you may not need to; tell her the above and with someone like this she'll probably do it for you

PotatoPudding · 20/04/2024 12:44

ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 12:04

You are right - over the years, there have been so many occasions where she has behaved in an inappropriate and disrespectful manner towards me. This was the ultimate last straw. If this had not been the case, I would view cutting contact until an apology is offered as a bit extreme, but unfortunately this is just the most recent incident among a whole string of others in which she has shown she doesn’t give a shit about me at all. The way she spoke to me this time just solidified it. Plus, she clearly demonstrated that she doesn’t value her grandchildren the way a grandparent should.

Show quote history

She sounds like an absolute nightmare.

MrsSlocombesCat · 20/04/2024 12:48

I think it’s a bit of an overreaction to a one off. They were raised and had seatbelts on. She probably comes from a time when only babies needed car seats. Our generation just strapped kids too big for baby car seats in the back of the car. She’s probably never known of a child being in an accident. I haven’t. So I can see both sides, but it really isn’t something to go no contact for. That’s ridiculous. Just don’t ask her to pick up or take the kids anywhere again.

Teentaxidriver · 20/04/2024 12:53

Why didn’t you make sure that she had the car seats in the first place? It was clearly going to be an issue - she must be at least 60 years old, car seats are bulky and heavy, there are 2 and she had to walk for 15 minutes with them. You helped to create this problem and now you seem to be using it as an excuse to punish your husband’s mother for previously overstepping your boundaries.

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2024 12:54

MrsSlocombesCat · 20/04/2024 12:48

I think it’s a bit of an overreaction to a one off. They were raised and had seatbelts on. She probably comes from a time when only babies needed car seats. Our generation just strapped kids too big for baby car seats in the back of the car. She’s probably never known of a child being in an accident. I haven’t. So I can see both sides, but it really isn’t something to go no contact for. That’s ridiculous. Just don’t ask her to pick up or take the kids anywhere again.

FGS

There are no 'both sides'

I brought my first child home from the hospital in a folding side carrycot! I would never dream of doing that now. We have always had our own seats for the DGC and I'm possibly over-strict with them

The law is the law for a reason and if there's been an accident they'd have been killed by the seat belts!

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2024 12:56

Teentaxidriver · 20/04/2024 12:53

Why didn’t you make sure that she had the car seats in the first place? It was clearly going to be an issue - she must be at least 60 years old, car seats are bulky and heavy, there are 2 and she had to walk for 15 minutes with them. You helped to create this problem and now you seem to be using it as an excuse to punish your husband’s mother for previously overstepping your boundaries.

No. She was supposed to walk the children.
Not use the car

And at 60, she could manage a 15 minute walk

RampantIvy · 20/04/2024 13:01

@ChouxPastryHeart What are the car seat laws in Sweden?
If they are similar to ours she would have been breaking the law.

2chocolateoranges · 20/04/2024 13:02

car safety is the one thing I’m pretty strict on, proper car seats for the correct age/stage. In-laws were never allowed to drive our children as they continually used the wrong size of car seat or no car seat for other grandchildren.

I once told them my niece was far too little to be in a high back booster and was shot down with them saying oh well you all survived without car seats! That is not the point car safety has improved so much and we have laws and guidance for a reason,

toomuchfaff · 20/04/2024 13:43

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home,

Yes, YABU to consider banning her from your home and going nc for this.

You didn't ensure that she had the car seats, if you wanted her to use them, then you male sure that they are left at the childminders or she has them in her car. You can't dictate that she must only walk when she has your children when she has a car. It was up to you to make sure she had the car seats.

YABU to expect her to do things your way; however YANBU to not entrust her with your children if she won't do things your way.

Bibbitybobbity70 · 20/04/2024 13:50

I wouldn't go NC but she would never be left unsupervised with them again. You can't trust what she'll do even in home/parks if her regard to their safety is so lacking.

Maray1967 · 20/04/2024 13:55

MrsSlocombesCat · 20/04/2024 12:48

I think it’s a bit of an overreaction to a one off. They were raised and had seatbelts on. She probably comes from a time when only babies needed car seats. Our generation just strapped kids too big for baby car seats in the back of the car. She’s probably never known of a child being in an accident. I haven’t. So I can see both sides, but it really isn’t something to go no contact for. That’s ridiculous. Just don’t ask her to pick up or take the kids anywhere again.

We had this from PIL - does he really need to be in a car seat for a short journey? I left DH to ‘have a word’ - but they were left in no doubt as to our feelings.

We had the ‘ it was fine in our day’ - DH explained the death statistics.

If GPs want to have a role in DCs’ lives, car safety is a basic requirement.

NightPuffins · 20/04/2024 14:35

From what I understand of the rules in Sweden (having spent time there), occasional short trips can be made without baby/toddler car seats, for example in a taxi, or in this case being picked up by someone who doesn't usually drive with them. They were in the car for a matter of minutes, boosted with cushions and wearing seatbelts. What she did may not be ideal, walking would have been better, but it's not illegal and they weren't in danger.
It sounds more as you don't like her and this is an excuse to cut her off. She doesn't keep to your rules, but she did raise your husband and you trusted her enough to ask her in the first place. Don't prevent the children having a relationship with their grandmother over this, just don't ask her to collect them again.