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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in Law did not use car seats for my children.

195 replies

ChouxPastryHeart · 20/04/2024 11:39

Hi everyone,

This will be a bit long so thank you for reading in advance and giving input.

My DH and I have two DC; a 3 year old and an 18 month old. We live in Sweden as he is Swedish and has family here. This week, he was away for work which doesn’t usually happen, and since I also work full time, we asked my MIL if she could pick up our girls on one of the days so that they could be picked up at 3pm instead of 6pm, since that was my latest working day. She agreed and a few days before, I sent her a text to let her know where pick up would be etc. I let her know that the childminder lives 15 min walk from our house and that since MIL doesn’t have car seats, she would need to pick them up by walking.

Fast forward to the morning after she picked them up - I have it confirmed by my childminder that MIL did indeed pick them up with her car, but childminder was not aware that she didn’t have car seats. I was livid and just in shock. The journey would only have been 5 minutes, but that doesn’t matter. These girls are the most precious thing in our life and not even 30 secs is worth the risk in my opinion. Not to mention, it is illegal.

I called her that afternoon and calmly asked her to explain what happened. She told me that she had them propped up on some cushions and then used the seatbelt. I told her that I was extremely upset about this, that what she did was dangerous and put the girls’ lives at risk. She responded with: ‘no, it wasn’t dangerous. I fixed it and it was perfect.’ I reiterated to her that I did not agree and that I was disappointed. She replied with: ‘you are angry about this, but that’s not my problem, that’s your problem.’ And, ‘I can’t do things your way, I do things my way and if you don’t like it, that’s not my problem.’ For certain things, I could buy that reasoning, but not for this ffs. 🤯

I was in utter shock and disbelief at this point. When I asked her why she ignored the wish for her to walk to pick them up, she replied with ‘I couldn’t walk that far and I didn’t know the way.’ She absolutely could walk that far; she is 63 years old and goes for hikes when she is abroad! I told her that if she didn’t want to walk, she could have told me days before and I would have arranged something else. She had no answer for me.

I ended the call by saying to her that I find it worrying that she does not see anything wrong with what she did, that this has made me lose trust entirely, and that this was the last time she would be asked to ever supervise the girls alone. Her response was: ‘well that’s your problem.’

My husband is also flabbergasted by this and said he will have a talk with her. I need to mention that this has not been the only occasion throughout the 11 years we have been together where she has disrespected me and crossed boundaries, but this is just a whole other level and involves my children’s safety. DH has had harsh conversations with her before about various things, but I don’t think that will cut it this time. I feel like I am done with this woman.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

PS. We never rely on her for childcare regularly, except for asking for a little bit of help for like two times a year and this was one of those times!

OP posts:
amylou8 · 20/04/2024 14:52

What she did was wrong, but I also think you're hugely over reacting. No harm was done, your kids are fine. She'd not be looking after them again unsupervised, but going NC and destroying the children's relationship with their grandmother is way OTT.

sleepyscientist · 20/04/2024 15:01

Instead of going for the nuclear option why not pick up a cheap car seat and a high back booster for you. She did you a favour you should have dropped her the seats off

Cherrysoup · 20/04/2024 15:05

Difficult to say when we don’t know what else she’s done.

gentlemum · 20/04/2024 15:12

I think this is shocking and especially given you're in Sweden where car seat safety is taken a lot more seriously than in the UK. I'd be furious as although thankfully nothing happened, there could have been a car accident and it's unlikely the children would have been safe given they weren't in car seats and being so young and small they would not be restrained by the seat belt. I don't agree with those saying you're overreacting, you're protecting your children. If this was my MIL I would consider cutting her off. Particularly as she's not accepting she's done anything wrong or apologising.

sleekcat · 20/04/2024 15:22

Personally I would not cut contact, I just wouldn't ask her to collect the children again. She is probably just pigheaded about the fact that things have changed over the years - some older people are like that. Don't ask her for anymore help.

caringcarer · 20/04/2024 15:24

I'd never let her drive your DC again. Any risk to a child's life is too high. I'm surprised she can't see this.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 20/04/2024 15:25

I have absolutely no idea who thinks YABU.

Not using car seats is insane.

Tigersonvaseline · 20/04/2024 15:38

Strange isn't it how some people in laws or parents are happy to taken risks because they did it and everyone else survived.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2024 15:46

Not only is she willfully stupid, she's a total bitch as well.

Yup, that would be it for me. The fact she has no issue in gambling with her own grandchildren's lives is absolutely shocking. If they had been killed in an accident, would that, too, have been "your problem?"

What a cunt.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2024 15:49

sleekcat · 20/04/2024 15:22

Personally I would not cut contact, I just wouldn't ask her to collect the children again. She is probably just pigheaded about the fact that things have changed over the years - some older people are like that. Don't ask her for anymore help.

She's only 63 and it's 2024! Some pp are writing as though this woman is 90 and it's 1984. She has no excuse for her batshit behaviour.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/04/2024 15:56

Granny doesn't get to spend time with children unsupervised going forwards. I'm surprised that you couldn't have managed to get the car seats installed into Grandmother's car before your DH was away thereby making this whole situation impossible to happen but if situation didn't allow it then it didn't.

Hope you're doing ok now.

RampantIvy · 20/04/2024 16:16

Don't be so ageist @sleekcat Hmm

I'm 65 and know perfectly well that the correct car seats have to be used.

Haydenn · 20/04/2024 16:20

If you don’t trust her to look after your children that’s fine you don’t ask her to look after them. To cut off contact to punish her is cruel on both her and the children. It strikes me as you don’t like the woman and you are using this as a reason for a bit of a power play to show her who’s boss.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/04/2024 16:24

MrsSlocombesCat · 20/04/2024 12:48

I think it’s a bit of an overreaction to a one off. They were raised and had seatbelts on. She probably comes from a time when only babies needed car seats. Our generation just strapped kids too big for baby car seats in the back of the car. She’s probably never known of a child being in an accident. I haven’t. So I can see both sides, but it really isn’t something to go no contact for. That’s ridiculous. Just don’t ask her to pick up or take the kids anywhere again.

I am 62, so very close to MIL's age. OK, she's in Sweden and I've always lived in the UK, and the law may have been different there. However, here in the UK as far as I can recall when my children were born in the early 1990s it was either a legal requirement to use car seats or it was so well understood that they made children much safer in cars that everybody I know used them on every trip. I can't believe a woman my own age has not grasped that this is now absolutely standard and even if she hasn't, it's the law! She sounds like someone who just isn't safe to look after little ones, as OP has deduced. Good luck.

randomusernam · 20/04/2024 16:26

She is totally in the wrong but she won't apologise. I can just tell from the things she has said.

I'd be wanting my husband to be as upset as me and explaining that if it had been my mum and she had responded that way id be saying I want nothing to do with you. Hopefully your husband sees sense and says the same thing.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/04/2024 16:27

sleepyscientist · 20/04/2024 15:01

Instead of going for the nuclear option why not pick up a cheap car seat and a high back booster for you. She did you a favour you should have dropped her the seats off

She could have asked for a loan of the car seats if she felt unable to walk. She let the OP believe she was going to collect the children on foot and walk home with them, then she didn't. If the OP's account is accurate, this is 100% on MIL. The OP would never have asked for this favour if she had known that MIL was going to break the law and put her very young children at risk.

BearHug33 · 20/04/2024 16:28

Car seat safety is taken far more seriously in Sweden. There is the Swedish Plus Test which by far exceeds our car seat safety standards. I'm less than a decade younger than this woman and my (now teen) children were put in Swedish Plus car seats less than ten years ago. She cannot possibly claim ignorance.

She sounds like a total bitch with her responses.

I would never leave her alone with my young children again!

Sugarcoatedalmonds · 20/04/2024 16:30

MrsSlocombesCat · 20/04/2024 12:48

I think it’s a bit of an overreaction to a one off. They were raised and had seatbelts on. She probably comes from a time when only babies needed car seats. Our generation just strapped kids too big for baby car seats in the back of the car. She’s probably never known of a child being in an accident. I haven’t. So I can see both sides, but it really isn’t something to go no contact for. That’s ridiculous. Just don’t ask her to pick up or take the kids anywhere again.

There are no "both sides" of this. It's 2024.

If you don't know the rules of the road, maybe you should give your licence back.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/04/2024 16:32

toomuchfaff · 20/04/2024 13:43

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home,

Yes, YABU to consider banning her from your home and going nc for this.

You didn't ensure that she had the car seats, if you wanted her to use them, then you male sure that they are left at the childminders or she has them in her car. You can't dictate that she must only walk when she has your children when she has a car. It was up to you to make sure she had the car seats.

YABU to expect her to do things your way; however YANBU to not entrust her with your children if she won't do things your way.

She didn't dictate! Why was it up to the OP to ensure MIL had car seats? MIL is a fit and active woman in her early 60s, perfectly capable of walking a short distance with two children. OP explained that as MIL didn't have car seats MIL would need to walk home with the children if she could do this pick up and MIL said yes, then chose to put the children in her car with no car seats, and didn't tell the OP what she'd done. She knew she was going against the agreement. The OP is in no way at fault here. It was open to MIL to say 'No, if you don't want me to use the car I can't do it' and she didn't.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 20/04/2024 16:34

My sons biological father once looked after him as a baby after we broke up. He did not clip him in the car seat at 5 months old. He also did not put seat belt around car seat and clip that in. When I went to lift my baby out his car as he got to mine I noticed and went mental. His answer was it's 5 minutes away and he knows how to drive. I explained that had he been hit by another car the car seat could have hit the window and thrown our son out the car.

Tell your mil lots of info online about the risks of not using car seats. I would be telling her she's lucky I haven't informed the police.

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 20/04/2024 16:35

It isn't about disrespect. It is about not putting her grandchildren's safety front and centre. That is where I would focus, not on some airy fairy, I felt disrespected nonsense.

Until she can be trusted to put them and their safety first, she cannot have unsupervised contact with them.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/04/2024 16:36

Teentaxidriver · 20/04/2024 12:53

Why didn’t you make sure that she had the car seats in the first place? It was clearly going to be an issue - she must be at least 60 years old, car seats are bulky and heavy, there are 2 and she had to walk for 15 minutes with them. You helped to create this problem and now you seem to be using it as an excuse to punish your husband’s mother for previously overstepping your boundaries.

Good grief, another one. OP has given her age, it's 63, so you don't need to guess it. Most people of 63 are perfectly capable of walking a short distance with two young children, and OP says MIL goes for long hikes on holiday. In any event, if MIL was one of the unfortunate people in their early 60s who aren't fit enough to walk, why not say so? Ask for a loan of car seats, go out and buy them for her own car, or say no, sorry, can't do it this time. Any of those options would have been fine, but what she CHOSE to do was to lie and break the law. How anybody can be making excuses for her and trying to blame the OP is beyond me.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/04/2024 16:44

Teentaxidriver · 20/04/2024 12:53

Why didn’t you make sure that she had the car seats in the first place? It was clearly going to be an issue - she must be at least 60 years old, car seats are bulky and heavy, there are 2 and she had to walk for 15 minutes with them. You helped to create this problem and now you seem to be using it as an excuse to punish your husband’s mother for previously overstepping your boundaries.

Yes, that's what I thought.
I think you re over-reacting, OP.
If you don't want to leave her in charge of the DC again, then don't, but all this expecting apologies and cutting contact is childish.
If car seats are totally non-negotiable for you then you should have made sure that she has appropriate ones fitted correctly.
She probably doesn't see the problem in driving children with seat belts on on raised cushions, it's what she did safely and legally for her own children. Times have changed, but practically speaking there wasn't an issue as far as she was concerned. Suggesting that she doesn't respect you or care for her children because she made a choice you don't agree with is manipulative, and sounds like you are trying to cause drama.
You could just say " can we put some car seats in your car, so that this problem isn't an issue again?"

DenmarkStreet · 20/04/2024 16:48

I'm Swedish and I would have reacted the exact same way as you did. This is not cultural, it is stupidity.

Beginningless · 20/04/2024 16:57

NightPuffins · 20/04/2024 14:35

From what I understand of the rules in Sweden (having spent time there), occasional short trips can be made without baby/toddler car seats, for example in a taxi, or in this case being picked up by someone who doesn't usually drive with them. They were in the car for a matter of minutes, boosted with cushions and wearing seatbelts. What she did may not be ideal, walking would have been better, but it's not illegal and they weren't in danger.
It sounds more as you don't like her and this is an excuse to cut her off. She doesn't keep to your rules, but she did raise your husband and you trusted her enough to ask her in the first place. Don't prevent the children having a relationship with their grandmother over this, just don't ask her to collect them again.

I agree with this. Yes this was not ideal and waking or car seats would be better but this isn’t like she let them walk home alone or something completely outrageous. I also agree that your feelings on it are your issue. That said, her belligerence is likely to give her an issue in terms of how you both react.

I think it sounds like there’s more of an issue about a power struggle here between you, and you need to understand she is not a MIL who will do things your way, and adapt around that according to your wishes. I bud the frustration but she clearly doesn’t want to do things your way. I don’t know the full story but punishing her with no contact leads to removing an important family relationship from your husband and children; you have to decide is this worth that.