Mother in Law did not use car seats for my children.

[ChouxPastryHeart]

Hi everyone,

This will be a bit long so thank you for reading in advance and giving input.

My DH and I have two DC; a 3 year old and an 18 month old. We live in Sweden as he is Swedish and has family here. This week, he was away for work which doesn’t usually happen, and since I also work full time, we asked my MIL if she could pick up our girls on one of the days so that they could be picked up at 3pm instead of 6pm, since that was my latest working day. She agreed and a few days before, I sent her a text to let her know where pick up would be etc. I let her know that the childminder lives 15 min walk from our house and that since MIL doesn’t have car seats, she would need to pick them up by walking.

Fast forward to the morning after she picked them up - I have it confirmed by my childminder that MIL did indeed pick them up with her car, but childminder was not aware that she didn’t have car seats. I was livid and just in shock. The journey would only have been 5 minutes, but that doesn’t matter. These girls are the most precious thing in our life and not even 30 secs is worth the risk in my opinion. Not to mention, it is illegal.

I called her that afternoon and calmly asked her to explain what happened. She told me that she had them propped up on some cushions and then used the seatbelt. I told her that I was extremely upset about this, that what she did was dangerous and put the girls’ lives at risk. She responded with: ‘no, it wasn’t dangerous. I fixed it and it was perfect.’ I reiterated to her that I did not agree and that I was disappointed. She replied with: ‘you are angry about this, but that’s not my problem, that’s your problem.’ And, ‘I can’t do things your way, I do things my way and if you don’t like it, that’s not my problem.’ For certain things, I could buy that reasoning, but not for this ffs. 🤯

I was in utter shock and disbelief at this point. When I asked her why she ignored the wish for her to walk to pick them up, she replied with ‘I couldn’t walk that far and I didn’t know the way.’ She absolutely could walk that far; she is 63 years old and goes for hikes when she is abroad! I told her that if she didn’t want to walk, she could have told me days before and I would have arranged something else. She had no answer for me.

I ended the call by saying to her that I find it worrying that she does not see anything wrong with what she did, that this has made me lose trust entirely, and that this was the last time she would be asked to ever supervise the girls alone. Her response was: ‘well that’s your problem.’

My husband is also flabbergasted by this and said he will have a talk with her. I need to mention that this has not been the only occasion throughout the 11 years we have been together where she has disrespected me and crossed boundaries, but this is just a whole other level and involves my children’s safety. DH has had harsh conversations with her before about various things, but I don’t think that will cut it this time. I feel like I am done with this woman.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

PS. We never rely on her for childcare regularly, except for asking for a little bit of help for like two times a year and this was one of those times!

@MrsSkylerWhite because my MIL has never needed to have our children in her car. In the 3 years since we have had children, she has babysat a total of 5 times, for no more than 4 hours at a time, in our home. Had we been using her for childcare on a regular basis then of course we would have bought car seats for her to use. This was a one off occasion and we made it clear she would need to walk. She misled us by implying to us that she would follow our request to walk, which she was perfectly able to do, and then did the total opposite because ‘I did what was easiest for me.’ That is a direct quote from her. She simply couldn’t be bothered.

@RampantIvy it is illegal for a child under 3 years of age or under 134cm, which my eldest is, to travel in a car without a car seat. It is only permitted in emergencies or unexpected short journeys where there is no car seat available. However, she also had my 18 month old in the car and this was not an unexpected journey. She knew in advance and implied it would be fine to walk. Otherwise, I would never have agreed to this.

As a fellow Swedish resident she broke the law as children under 135cm must use a seat, there isn’t actually an emergency clause like there is in the UK, there is however a taxi clause where the journey is short, some people wrongly believe that means a short journey in any vehicle is okay, rather than it just being limited to a taxi.

@Cherrysoup she has tried to dictate what times we should set family gatherings at multiple times, when we have been hosting in our home. When I originally wanted to baptise our girls in the Catholic Church in Sweden rather than the Protestant church of Sweden, she through a fit and yelled at my husband: ‘poor children, I will not be coming then!’

She threw a fit when just my husband and girls visited her for Mother’s Day last year and I went out for afternoon tea with a friend. It was unacceptable to her that I was not present. She brought this up again a month ago, and made it clear she expected me there this year. Husband had to tell her to back down and that what I do on Mother’s Day is up to me. These are a few examples.

Surely your husband should be celebrating mothers day with you and the children?

Because sometimes parents have different opinions on things? Expecting your husband to go NC with a parent over this is mental. You just don't leave the children unattended with her ever again, you don't tell your husband to start dishing out punishments to his own mother as though she were one of your toddlers.

@Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g thank you so much for the reassurance that I am not totally crazy here. This is what I don’t understand - I mentioned to her days in advance that she would have to walk to get them and she said nothing about not being able to do so. No one put a gun to her head, all she would have had to do is say, ‘sorry, can’t do that’ and we would have arranged something else.

@Cherrysoup i think this year he will be. Ever since we moved to Sweden 5 years ago, he has spent it with his mother who hosts an informal lunch with the whole family. I am expected to be there, because my wishes and needs don’t matter to her. I’m done bending for her though.

Going NC would be allowing your anger to override everything.

Yes, what she did was stupid and reckless, but I take it your kids have a relationship with her? Going NC means denying them that.

A conversation between MIL and DH is probably the best way forward.

That and never using her for childcare again!

I would say to her that your anger is a direct consequence of you putting my children in danger and that is a boundary violation that I would not let anyone cross. It's your choice how you respond and my choice how to proceed further. As you show no remorse for what you did and no understanding of the dangers you created, I can never allow you to supervise my children alone again you don't have enough awareness of risk and as a result I find your judgement impaired.

You should get some car seats for the grandparents.
Be the bigger person and make peace.

It's bad. It's wrong and it should never have happened and mustn't happen again.

Having said that, I have to say I think you are over-reacting.

That looks like it would be illegal here? One of the children was 1, and the journey wasn't unplanned or an emergency.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

Yes yabu to cut off communication. She should have used car seats but you and your husband should have bought and fitted them.
The children are fine, I think it's time to move on.

How come your mil is such a danger that you can't nip to the loo? What if your husband isn't there?

Or fit car seats in her car!

She fucking doesn't!!! I'm a couple of years younger than her and my kids all used carseats!! What is wrong with you?!!

I wouldn't go NC but it would be the last time she'd be asked to be responsible for your children @ChouxPastryHeart!!

A grown up discussion only works when both parties are mature and reasonable. The MIL response and her dismissive attitude says it all really. No fucking way would someone like the MIL see my kids again unsupervised but this wasn't a one off the OP has stated her MIL has behaved badly for years and disrespected the OP and clearly this is the straw that broke the camels back.

@ChouxPastryHeart YANBU thats really dangerous I wouldn't let MIL ever be alone with your kids and you're fully justified in going low or NC it sounds like this is the last straw. I suspect your MIL deliberately didn't take the car seats because she has a bee in her bonnet that you dared to tell her what to do so she did the exact opposite to make a point and say 'I will do what I want you can't tell ME what to do' which says it all about the type of person she is. She put your children at risk to point score at you.

You’re not correct. Rear facing is preferable, but it’s not the law.
https://korkortonline.se/en/theory/child-safety-seats/

We provided car seats for our parents' cars to make life easier. They stayed at their cars/places. Might be your solution?

But the car seats aren't really the issue but your MIL actions and your trust in her. She should know better. There isn't any excuses for what she did.

Your MIL is an *sshole. I would let husband deal with her and never ask her to pick up children again. Rather pay a nanny who follows the rules.

@crostini

Scandinavian isn't.
I come from a Scandinavian country.
Car seats are mandatory and people care a lot about them.

@DragonGypsyDoris

A lot of children didn't survived... that's the truth of that (silly) statement.

Lots of children didn't travel by car in 60/70 - life was different. So a lot of people didn't had the ussue of car safety.

Roads are so much more crowded today than 60/70. Traffic is insane. And the need for car seats are higher as a lot of people own a car or rent one.

@Oblomov24

Police would issue a fine in Sweden. No doubt.

Children were to be pick up and walked home. It was planned. Could be done in 10 minutes.

It wasn't an unplanned emergency trip to the ER. That would apply to the rules you mention.

@Soontobe60

A Swedish childminder doesn't walk the children out. She has no responsibility for how anyone brings children home.
If she is aware of children not in car sears she should notify police.

If grandparents agree to walk home with grandchildren you have a plan and parents should be able to trust grandparents.