Mother in Law did not use car seats for my children.

[ChouxPastryHeart]

Hi everyone,

This will be a bit long so thank you for reading in advance and giving input.

My DH and I have two DC; a 3 year old and an 18 month old. We live in Sweden as he is Swedish and has family here. This week, he was away for work which doesn’t usually happen, and since I also work full time, we asked my MIL if she could pick up our girls on one of the days so that they could be picked up at 3pm instead of 6pm, since that was my latest working day. She agreed and a few days before, I sent her a text to let her know where pick up would be etc. I let her know that the childminder lives 15 min walk from our house and that since MIL doesn’t have car seats, she would need to pick them up by walking.

Fast forward to the morning after she picked them up - I have it confirmed by my childminder that MIL did indeed pick them up with her car, but childminder was not aware that she didn’t have car seats. I was livid and just in shock. The journey would only have been 5 minutes, but that doesn’t matter. These girls are the most precious thing in our life and not even 30 secs is worth the risk in my opinion. Not to mention, it is illegal.

I called her that afternoon and calmly asked her to explain what happened. She told me that she had them propped up on some cushions and then used the seatbelt. I told her that I was extremely upset about this, that what she did was dangerous and put the girls’ lives at risk. She responded with: ‘no, it wasn’t dangerous. I fixed it and it was perfect.’ I reiterated to her that I did not agree and that I was disappointed. She replied with: ‘you are angry about this, but that’s not my problem, that’s your problem.’ And, ‘I can’t do things your way, I do things my way and if you don’t like it, that’s not my problem.’ For certain things, I could buy that reasoning, but not for this ffs. 🤯

I was in utter shock and disbelief at this point. When I asked her why she ignored the wish for her to walk to pick them up, she replied with ‘I couldn’t walk that far and I didn’t know the way.’ She absolutely could walk that far; she is 63 years old and goes for hikes when she is abroad! I told her that if she didn’t want to walk, she could have told me days before and I would have arranged something else. She had no answer for me.

I ended the call by saying to her that I find it worrying that she does not see anything wrong with what she did, that this has made me lose trust entirely, and that this was the last time she would be asked to ever supervise the girls alone. Her response was: ‘well that’s your problem.’

My husband is also flabbergasted by this and said he will have a talk with her. I need to mention that this has not been the only occasion throughout the 11 years we have been together where she has disrespected me and crossed boundaries, but this is just a whole other level and involves my children’s safety. DH has had harsh conversations with her before about various things, but I don’t think that will cut it this time. I feel like I am done with this woman.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

PS. We never rely on her for childcare regularly, except for asking for a little bit of help for like two times a year and this was one of those times!

(a) Car seats were in use and if not legally required when OP's husband was a small child certainly becoming normal practice for most parents. The MIL is 63, not 93.

(b) If car seats are totally non-negotiable for you then you should have made sure that she has appropriate ones fitted correctly. Totally non-negotiable? It's the law! The OP hasn't made a weird choice to put her tiny children in car seats, it's a legal requirement and has been for a very long time, because it makes car travel far safer for children. Should we say to all older people 'Oh, don't worry, I know this wasn't a legal requirement when you were younger, so you're exempt from it now.'? No!

(c) For the umpteenth time, the OP pointed out that without car seats the MIL couldn't collect the children by car, and the MIL said that was fine, she would walk them home. Why do people keep saying the OP should have provided her with car seats? Why is this relatively young, fit, heatlhy woman, who as far as we know is compos mentis, not expected to know the law and comply with it herself?

You have to accept that she is no capable of looking after young children, whether that be though age and inability or plain pig headedness

She was totally unreasonable not using car seats , you are being totally unreasonable expecting your husband to say she’s not welcome in the home again . The answer , obviously , is do not let her have any lone access to your children , job done .

She would never ever have my children unsupervised again. I wouldn't trust her not to make other stupid, dangerous, reckless decisions.

Your 18mo especially would have been seriously injured with just a minor accident, even just harsh breaking. Their necks cannot withstand that at all.

You can drive as slowly and as cautiously as you please, that doesn't mean shit. I used to work for a vehicle security type company and watched lots of dashcam footage of accidents. One driver, during work, in a big ass van, stoned, driving down a straight 30mph road drifted onto the wrong side of the road and hit three cars head on. Imagine what an 18mo sat on cushions with an adult seat belt feels then.

I don't know about Sweden specifically but I know that a few other European countries, the people are generally more relaxed about this. A lot of my friends with small children take lifts from friends with no child seats, as an occasional thing. I get offers of lifts and when I say no because there's no car seat, I'm met with eye rolls
So it may be likely she just doesn't see it from a UK perspective where we all take car safety very seriously. But still, it IS dangerous regardless of her intention. And as you she's got a long history of disrespect for you I'd just stop giving your kids to her and let her know why if she asks.

This is not true.

Sweden has always had really stringent car seat rules for the past 30+ years.

My mil did exactly the same thing when my now ten year old was around 4.

Sat her on a cushion, so she could “see out the window”. They did not tell me they were planning on taking her anywhere, I just said she could go to their house for dinner.

PIL have not been allowed dd since. No one gets a second chance with my child’s safety.

(I am now the Antichrist).

I cannot fathom how a grandparent could be so reckless. I don't care how short the journey is. My best friend is a fireman, the harrowing stories he could tell your MIL would put her to shame.
road accidents are still a leading cause of accidental death to children and young people.
Children are not just small adults. Their anatomy is different and vehicles are not always designed with them in mind.
When children are not properly restrained in the right car seat, even on the shortest of journeys, the impact can be devastating.

So you have to witness a child being seriously injured or killed before you are fully convinced ?
Maybe you could share that with parents who have lost / have children with life changing injuries !

So you've asked about a specific situation, then said actually there is loads of stuff!

So no one can reasonably answer your AIBU 🤷‍♀️

In Sweden it is much tougher than the UK - Sweden has been at the forefront on car seat safety with the first ones produced in the 1960s

Since 1988 car seats have been required by law for children

Since the 1990s it is required that children under 4 travel in a rear facing seat - in the 1990s I saw a woman get a warning from the police for having a child under 4 in a front facing car seat when we were both pulled in on a local road for a car safety check

So she knows very well that her actions are illegal and very unacceptable in Sweden

I can't imagine how children survived in the 1960s and 1970s. I totally get the benefit of car seats, but it's gone a bit too far now. Given that most people don't have car accidents every day, a 5 minute drive really doesn't put (cushioned and belted) children's lives at serious risk.

I am much more concerned about people using phones while driving - do they think that their children in car seats will be magically protected in an avoidable serious collision caused by lack of attention to the road?

Why are both not completely unacceptable ?
OP we were furious that my MIL did this 25 years ago .

Hell, I'm nearly 60 and I walked 26 miles in one day last year! OP has said that her MIL does a lot of hiking so she is clearly perfectly fit for a short 15 minute walk. She just couldn't be bothered to put in a bit of effort to keep her GC safe.

Supervised visits with dc only. Dh can't argue with that.. She has no regard for the safety of your dc. Previously ils saw dc at our home when they would have preferred the dc at their home. Open windows, medication lying around and feeding issues meant it never happened their way..

It’s not a reason to go NC but absolutely your dh needs to have the conversation with her that not having car seats is both unsafe and illegal and she can’t take the kids in the car again unless she promises to use them

that said I would have made it easier for her to get the car seats. My kids grandparents have their own as less hassle.

'Like I said to another poster, this is the last of a long line of incidents where she has crossed boundaries and not listened or apologised
when DH confronted her. He has had multiple harsh conversations with her and nothing ever changes. At what point do I draw the line?'

When you said she would have to walk to the childminders house why didn't you realise then that she was unlikely to do that given she does her own thing?

What she did was wrong but ultimately you and your husband are responsible for entrusting the care of your precious children to someone who you know will act responsibly.

You admit that she isn't that kind of person but still allowed her to collect your children!

Agree.

Let your H deal with this the way he sees fit.

She's clearly not going to apologise, and tbh, both children made it home in one piece, so she has a point. Of course what she did was not legal, but she took that risk herself. If she had been pulled over or observed and reported, that would have been her problem to deal with.

Does she have a buggy to put the 18 month old into? Some way to keep the older child safe while walking? Is it possible she decided on the car after anticipating dangers she would have difficulty with if on foot? A busy road to cross? Potential of the older child bolting and difficulty of chasing while holding or wheeling the toddler?

Going forward, you have to deal with this woman because she is family, and it is in everyone's best interest to deal amicably and not tirn the relationship adversarial. She's your husband's mother and you clearly feel you have no other backup childcare or you wouldn't have asked her for the favour despite issues in the past.

In your shoes, I'd develop a support network that doesn't include her, accept that her judgement of situations is going to differ from yours occasionally for persona, generational, or cultural reasons, and it might well be a huge benefit to the children to have a granny who hikes and does outdoorsy stuff.

Cultures are different. In some parts of the world, very young children are encouraged to walk to school without parents shepherding them along, or teenagers are taught to drive in high school, or allowed to use properly sharp knives to prepare snacks for themselves. Be aware that some of her judgement of danger may come from a different cultural context.

Agree.

This is on you, OP. You knew what she was capable of.

No need to burn the boats. Just quietly remove her from your list of options for favours involving the children.

Cultures are different. In some parts of the world, very young children are encouraged to walk to school without parents shepherding them along, or teenagers are taught to drive in high school, or allowed to use properly sharp knives to prepare snacks for themselves. Be aware that some of her judgement of danger may come from a different cultural context.

We have several Swedish posters or posters who seem to know Sweden very well on this thread. I'm not getting the impression from them that Sweden has until recently been a happy go lucky place where child safety was low on the pecking order. Quite the contrary.

People will do and say anything to blame the OP on AIBU even if it’s something as egregious as not strapping a child into a car seat. FFS.

You seem to be totally over-reacting and using this as an opportunity to cut her off because of historical events.

I'm not sure what the rules in Sweden are, but pp's saying it's illegal :

Unexpected journeys
If the correct child car seat isn’t available, a child aged 3 or older can use an adult seat belt if the journey is all of the following:
• unexpected
• necessary
• over a short distance

Illegal?

I'm not condoning what she did, it didn't follow your instructions, but let's get perspective here. Not all children travel in seats in taxis, just as an example.

I think this is shocking and especially given you're in Sweden where car seat safety is taken a lot more seriously than in the UK

I don't pretend to know eitther way, but I think someone said you don't have to use child seats for short journeys in Sweden?

It doesn't really matter though, since I'd expect parents' reasonable requests to be complied with, and the attitude OP received just makes it worse

@ChouxPastryHeart whilst I would be incredibly angry with her in this scenario and would absolutely not leave her alone with the children any more I think your solution won't work. If you want to go full no contact that's fine but realistically she won't apologise so cutting her off will be properly cutting her off. Are there things she does with your family she values that you could temporarily cut down whilst maintaining contact e.g. a regular dinner date? Also I'd definitely say DH needs to say to her after a strong telling off, to include her behaviour towards you as well as the lies and safety issue, that this the last time he will have a conversation like this. If she can't respect you as his wife or your collective wishes for your children that is not acceptable. One more incident and you will be forced to distance yourselves.

But this was an expected journey and the youngest child is 18 months.